Daily Dose - 990417 - Microsoft Announcement, Laws, Aussie bloke, accountant, favourite bar, fertility clinic, The Onion, Hey Martha

Courtesy of John in Qatar

**Official Microsoft Announcement**

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads: -

WINDAES 98

with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver.

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labelled "Oot tae fuck"

Dialup Networking is called "Ma Mates"
Control Panel is known as "How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins"
Hard Drive is referred to as "Big Disk"
Floppies are known as "Them Wee Plastic Bastards"

Other features:

OK = its aww-right
cancel = fuck off
yes = aye
no = nay fuckin' chance
find = get it yer fuckin' sel'
go to = orr therr
help = ah cannae dae it
stop = gie's fuckin peace
start = fuckin' move
settings = settins
programs = stuff at does stuff
personal folder = ma shit

Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:

tiperiter = a word processor
cullerin book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
Sounds = CD player
porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchers = a graphics viewer
dole money = M/S accounting software
Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores
Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super
Tax records = usually an empty file
Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

________________________

1.The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2.The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3.The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4.The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5.The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6.The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7.Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

8.Wailer's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9.Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10.Law of Volunteer Labour
People are always available for work in the past tense.

11.Conway's Law
In any organisation there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12.Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

13.Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

14.Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

15.Heeler's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

16.Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

17.Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

18.Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilisation.

________________________

This Aussie bloke

This Aussie walked into a bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"

The man says," I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich. The Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't paying!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, " I ain't paying".

But the bloke comes up each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman.

"Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't paying!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket... every time?"

"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?" "Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether it's a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in 'ere...?"

The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy. (frighteningly familiar)

__________________________

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel to meet his secretary, there was a letter waiting for him at reception, which read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you read this I will be with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 a hell of a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

___________________________

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist. He says,"Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

__________________________

favorite bar.

They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by. This beautiful blonde walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other and smile.

One of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 fur sure."

A fantastic looking redhead, comes walkin by in front of them. First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4."

And the second cowboy agrees, and says, 'Yep, no arguin' there she sure is a 4."

They're into their beers, just watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful brunette. As she comes near them, they both kinda straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That one has GOT to be a 6."

And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6"

The brunette turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys. She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing there rating women??!?"

They look down at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand..."

"Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"

"You are, rating women. I understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating system."

The brunette says, 'Oh, and what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before."

The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks, "What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

He say reallllll slowly,

"Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

________________________

An 80 year old man walks into a fertility clinic with his 35 year old wife. He walks up to the doctor and tells him of their plan to have a child. The doctor tells the man he'll need a sperm sample to see if that was possible.

He hands the old man a plastic jar and tells him where to go. The old boy takes his wife by the hand and heads for the room.

Two hours later the doctor was beginning to wonder if they would ever come out. The two finally emerge looking embarrassed.

"I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her teeth in ,and she tried with her teeth out", cried the man. "But we still can't get the fucking lid off this thing!".

______________________

The Onion

Secretary Of State Makes Diplomatic Visit To Totally Fucked-Up Country

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA--Secretary of State Madeleine Albright arrived in Mogadishu Monday, beginning a four-day diplomatic visit to the totally fucked-up nation of Somalia.

"The ravages of civil war have taken a terrible toll on Somalia, claiming the lives of more than 500,000 people since 1995," said Albright in an address before the United Somali Congress. "Another 300,000 Somalis have died of disease and hunger. Your nation is truly up shit creek."

Albright called for an increase in U.N. funds for resettlement of the nearly two million Somali refugees displaced by political unrest. She also pledged $800 million in U.S. aid for food and medical supplies, though she acknowledged that it would make little difference in a country so profoundly under the shithammer.

"Somalia is fragmented under the control of a dozen rival clan-based ruling factions, each with its own military force," Albright said. "The resultant internal fighting, compounded by perpetual border tension with Ethiopia, makes it difficult to establish the kind of stability necessary for sustained, substantive economic development."

Added Albright: "Christ, this place is fucked."

In addition to pledging $800 million in aid, Albright said the U.S. will finally restore economic ties severed in 1989 due to human-rights violations committed by the now-deposed Siad Barre government.

"By driving out the corrupt Siad Barre regime, Somalia has shown a commitment to reform," Albright said. "Steps are being taken to establish a climate in which democracy and free-market capitalism can take root. But despite such progress, we must not lose sight of the fact that this nation is in such a shitstorm of trouble, it is unlikely ever to happen. I mean, there's fucked, and then there's total, reamed-up-the-ass, fucked-in-half fucked."

Albright's visit included a tour along the only paved road in Somalia. The road runs from Berbera in the north to Mogadishu, and then down to Chisimayu, a city Albright said is all the way in the shitter.

"The U.N. classifies Somalia as a developing nation," Albright said. "Well, I didn't see very much developing going on in Chisimayu. You don't even want to know where these people go to the bathroom. I practically fucking puked."

U.S. political experts say Albright's assessment of the situation is on target.

"Right now, three different men claim to be ruling Somalia," said Dr. James Knox, a Yale University African Studies professor specializing in the insane shit going on in the Gulf of Aden region. "A clan chief in Northern Somalia has proclaimed independence and leads a government in Hargeysa, while another clan chief, Hussein Aideed, recently nominated himself president of the Somali National Alliance. Then there's Ali Mahdi Muhammad, who presides over the United Somali Congress. Could you imagine if that kind of fucked-up shit went on in America?"

Environmental factors have exacerbated the plight of Somalia, which has been hit by crippling droughts and massive flooding. Earlier this year, the Jubba River in southern Somalia flooded, causing massive crop devastation and leaving hundreds of thousands unbelievably fucked.

"The factors responsible for the chaos in Somalia are complex and varied," Knox said, "but whatever the cause, one thing is clear: This East African nation of nine million is taking it in the ass, big-time. And as far as I can tell, there's pretty much not a chance in hell they'll be able to un-fuck themselves anytime soon."

_____________________

Hey Martha

Tuesday, April 28, 1998

People we all hate.....

CLEVELAND (AP) -- Supposedly, lightning doesn't strike twice.

But it has for 12 employees of a Cleveland company. They've won the lottery twice.

The lucky dozen were among 27 workers from Ritrama Duramark who won an $8 million jackpot in the Ohio Lottery's Super Lotto game last Wednesday. They were also among 16 people who split an $8 million Super Lotto prize in 1991, lottery officials said Monday.

One of the winners said the group was trying to avoid publicity and declined comment.

William Lowe won last Wednesday but not in 1991.

"Thursday was ecstatic," he said. "There was a lot of high-fiving going on. It's a nice bit of fun money."