Daily Dose - 990420 - European Sports Quotes, Russian Roulette, worried housewife, emergency flashers, complaint letter, The Onion, Hey Martha
And now for something completely different - European Sports Quotes: - courtesy of John in Qatar
If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them - Wendy Toms, the first female referee to officiate in a professional game
The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil - Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live
I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head off and then smeared blood over my forehead - Manchester United's Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey
The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney - Dean Holdsworth, Wimbledon
Love is good for footballers, as long as it is not at half-time - Richard Moller Nielsen, Denmark coach
You don't have to have been a horse to be a jockey - Arrigo Sacchi, Italy coach, defending a meagre playing record
"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones" - Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.
"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence." - NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" - George Best.
"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent" - Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on." - John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." - ANDY GRAY, Sky Sport
Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you'll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league ?
Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league Richard.
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen." · TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold
"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday." (Radio 5 Live)
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." - (NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live)
"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it." - ALAN BALL
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." - (TOM FERRIE)
"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." - (DAVE BASSETT)
"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins." - (BRIAN MOORE)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - (DAVID ACFIELD)
What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio - Gerry Francis
If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers. - Mick Lyons
He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head - Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)
The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did - Barry Davies (1975)
I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel - Stuart Pearce (1992)
Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?
Terry Venables: I think it's fifty - fifty
If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim - Berti Vogts, Germany coach
The referee was booking everyone. I thought he was filling in his lottery numbers - Ian Wright
____________________
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
<click <click
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal"
____________________
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, this is 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
__________________
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trenchcoats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
______________________
And this one is for real. An e-mail to my brother, Alan, who is a commissioning engineer for a power plant in Indonesia
I would like to express my strong complain and I hope you could take necessery action.
About midnight lastnight, I was a woken-up by a big noise and immediately, the power went off, my baby woken-up and cried. I got-up and peeping outside throught the curtain, I saw Richard Rejmer was breaking The Electric Distribution Panel by a big stone, it is too grazy doing that under the rain, it is not a good way to open an electric box. I don't think this is a good example for a transfer of technology. We'll be operate and maintenance a big plant up-to 20,000 times of this capacity. I don't know what problem he had, but his attitude is not tolerable at all.
Please be informed,
Ali
_____________________
The Onion
Midwest Peace Talks Shattered By Illinois Toll-Booth Bombing
BELVIDERE, IL--Hopes for a Midwest peace accord were dealt a severe blow Monday, when a bomb ripped through a toll booth on the I-90 Illinois Tollway. The attack, which killed six and delayed westbound traffic for hours, is believed to be the work of Iowa-based militant Lutheran extremists.
The explosion is the deadliest in the troubled region since Oct. 4, 1997, when a bomb went off in a crowded Kankakee flea market, killing 22.
Illinois governor-elect George Ryan denounced the attack as "the work of cowards."
"If there is to be any hope of a lasting peace in the Middle West, these sorts of despicable acts of violence must not be tolerated," said Ryan, speaking before an emergency session of the Illinois legislature. "All sides in the Midwest crisis must demonstrate a genuine commitment to honoring the terms of the Lake Geneva Convention."
The bombing, which reopened deep historical wounds in the unstable, strife-torn Midwest, sparked mass outrage and protest among Illinoisans.
"I can't stand those stupid Cornheads," said Galesburg, IL, resident Marty Lemke, burning an Iowa state flag at a massive anti-Iowa rally in Peoria hours after the bombing. "They're all fat and lazy, and they can't even drive. All summer long, we have to put up with them and their huge RVs messing up our parks. And now this."
Doug Boehm, who lives in the Illinois border settlement of Rock Island, was equally fervent in his anti-Iowa sentiment. "Last month, when the Illinois Lottery jackpot hit $85 million, thousands of Iowans crossed the border to buy tickets," Boehm said. "I had to wait in line for hours because of these jerks. And then, of course, the winner was some guy from Cedar Rapids."
Added Boehm: "Hawkeyes suck."
In a follow-up to Monday's attack, the Iowa-based group FIB is stepping up demands that Illinois withdraw all shoppers from the occupied Plaza Strip Mall.
"Unless Illinois pulls out of the Plaza Strip, the violence will only escalate," a press statement from the militant group read. "Illinoisans have shopped in the Plaza Strip territory for dozens of years, attracted to the lower sales tax here in Iowa. Meanwhile, they have driven countless Iowans from their rightful shopping grounds with their loud, rude, pushy, obnoxious ways. From now on, Illinoisans are not permitted in the Plaza Strip."
FIB is also demanding that control of disputed Mississippi River border settlements revert to the ethnic Scandinavians who occupy them, claiming squatters' rights.
Reacting angrily to the demands, Ryan renewed his hardline stance against tourism.
"Our people have been subjected to increasingly hostile assaults from our neighbors to the west," Ryan said. "They come into our territory with their minivans and portable barbecue grills and leave a trail of trash in their wake. For too long, we have placated these belligerent foreigners, offering them reduced admissions to our waterparks and 'kids stay free' deals at our hotels. From this day forward, the state of Illinois will not negotiate with tourists."
Following Ryan's speech, the Illinois government took steps to beef up its Iowa border presence, approving funding for a $60 million riverboat to be deployed in heavily disputed Mississippi River waters off the coast of Moline. Iowa leaders condemned the plan, calling it "a direct challenge to our sovereignty in the Iowa corridor of the Quad City region."
The toll-booth bombing ended nearly three months of relative calm in the troubled Midwest region. On Aug. 20, South Dakota governor James Cleamons was assassinated by a Missouri Synod extremist during a speech at the Corn Palace. The slaying touched off a 24-hour period of rioting, during which rival Wisconsin Synod, Episcopalian and Presbyterian factions clashed violently, leaving four dead and dozens injured.
According to witnesses, Monday's explosion occurred when a blue Geo Metro pulled up to an eastbound 40-cent exact-change-only lane at approximately 3 p.m. CST. A witness at an eastbound EZ-Pass lane said the Geo filled with smoke before the driver rammed it into the coin-drop basket, causing the car to burst into a ball of flames.
"It was horrible," said New Yorker Jessica Habisch, who has lived in the Midwest for the past three years while working on a soybean farm near Cairo, IL. "There were bodies and quarters everywhere."
Nathan Sorensen, 29, was making his annual pilgrimage to visit his mother in his ancestral city of Rockford when he was caught in the blast.
"There was this massive explosion, and the next thing I knew, I was pinned underneath a 400-pound man in a Chicago Bears sweatshirt and matching sweatpants," said Sorensen, recovering in a nearby hospital. "The doctors say I'm lucky to be alive."
U.S. officials, who have gone to great lengths to promote peace in the region, urged Midwest leaders not to let the latest act of violence drive them further apart. Richard Wilson, President Clinton's special envoy to the Middle West, flew to Camp Snoopy in suburban Minneapolis late Monday night for a closed-door session with leaders of the rival groups.
"This is an extremely volatile time here, but I have confidence that a settlement can be reached," Wilson said. "There must be peace in the Middle West."
_____________________
Hey Martha
Monday, April 13, 1998
Easter Bunny wades into fight
ERIE, Pa. (AP) -- The Easter Bunny dropped the hippity-hop act and waded into a fight, going to the rescue of a toddler.
Minnie Kasper was playing the holiday rabbit Wednesday at the Millcreek Mall when she spotted a woman in her 20s who was striking her 2-year-old child repeatedly with a thick belt.
"The child was trying to get away from the belt. He didn't deserve the belt," Kasper said Saturday.
Kasper intervened and wound up having to defend herself. She said the woman kicked her and smacked her while about 80 shoppers watched.
"She traumatized the Bunny," said Kasper, 24, who said she always refers to herself in third person, and as a male, when discussing her work as the holiday icon.
"The Bunny had a little scratch on his eye and a few bruises, but that was about it. It was more traumatic for him than anything," Kasper said.
Police investigated but no charges had been filed.