Daily Dose - 990419 - 2nd honeymoon, Bubba, buying a rifle, Guide to Male Vocabulary, $20 and dog, If you can..., The Onion, Hey Martha

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man,

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'it' too big, it's too big'."

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...'

Bubba laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.

Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, 'Bubba, is that you?"

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

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GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY

1. "Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."

2. "I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."

3. "I need you"
"My hand is oh so tired."

4. "I am different from all the other guys"
"I am not circumcised."

5. "I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."

6. "You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

7. "I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."

8. "It's just orange juice, try it."
"3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

9. "She's kinda cute."
"I want to shag her till my dick drops off."

10. "I don't know if I like her"
"She won't let me shag her "

11. "I miss you so much"
"I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good."

12. "Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."

13. "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"

14. "I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"

15. "Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

16. "Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

17. "How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on his way to tell you about it now."

18. "I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."

19. "I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

20. "I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

21. "I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."

22. "I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!!!!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog. As they sit down at the counter, the bartender tells them, that no dogs are allowed. The dog looks up and says, "I don't see any sign posted about dogs."

To which the bartender looks at them both and exclaims "Hey! You can talk! This is wild! I'm buying you both a beer".

They both thank him and proceed to enjoy their free drink.

After awhile, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 to buy a newspaper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and that the dog could keep the $20 for his trouble.

The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar.

When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him.

He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he discovers his dog humping a French Poodle. In shock, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!"

The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had a $20 bill before!"

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If you can start the day without caffeine
If you can get going without pep pills
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
If you can eat the same food everyday & be grateful for it
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend
If you can face the world without lies and deceit
If you can conquer tension without medical help
If you can relax without liquor
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog

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Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house.

"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No silly, it's salty!"

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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

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The Onion

Long Awaited Baby Boomer Die-Off To Begin Soon, Experts Say

WASHINGTON, DC--After decades of waiting, the much-anticipated mass Baby Boomer die-off should finally commence within the next five to ten years, Census Bureau officials said Monday.

"I am pleased to announce that it won't be much longer now," Census Bureau deputy director Arthur Clausewitz said at a press conference. "According to our statistics, by 2009, we should see the Baby Boomers start to die off in large numbers. Heart attacks, strokes, cancer, kidney failure--you name it, the Boomers are going to be dropping from it."

Clausewitz said the Great Boomer Die-Off should hit full stride in approximately 2015, when the oldest members of the Baby Boom generation--born during the last days of World War II--turn 70.

"Before long, tens of millions of members of this irritating generation will achieve what such Boomer icons as Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Timothy Leary and John Kennedy already have: death. Before long, we will live in a glorious new world in which no one will ever again have to endure tales of Joan Baez's performance at Woodstock."

Despite his enthusiasm, Clausewitz cautioned that the Great Boomer Die-Off will not be without its downside.

"Our nation must steel itself for one vast, final orgy of Boomer self-obsession as we are hit with a bewildering onslaught of magazine pictorials, hardcover coffee-table books and multi-part, Motown-soundtracked television specials looking back on the glory days of the 1960s," Clausewitz said. "But once this great, final spasm of nostalgia passes, the ravages of age will take its toll on boomer self-indulgence, and the curtain will at long last fall on what is regarded by many as the most odious generation America has ever produced."

Clausewitz also noted that the cost of caring for the elderly and infirm of the nation's largest demographic group will be enormous.

"The selfishness that has been a hallmark of the Boomers will continue right up to the very end, as they force millions of younger Americans to devote an inordinate amount of time and resources to their care, bankrupting the Social Security system in the process," Clausewitz said. "In their old age, the Boomers will actually manage to take as much from the next generation as they did the previous one, which fought WWII so that their Boomer children could have Philco TVs and Davy Crockett air rifles."

The Great Boomer Die-Off will have its greatest impact, experts say, in the economic sector. The funeral industry is expected to enjoy a $700 million surge in profits, a result of the inevitable onslaught of lavish, Big Chill-themed memorial services. Many industries, however, will likely suffer from the die-off, including the manufacturers of sport-utility vehicles, home jacuzzis and hair-replacement systems. The financial sector will also feel the hit, as it is forced to fill some 400,000 high-paying stockbroker and corporate-banking jobs, held for decades by ex-hippies.

"It's not exactly clear how, but for the past 40 years, this generation has managed to keep the spotlight on itself," Brown University history professor A. Thomas Raymond said. "The era-defining flower children of the '60s, hedonistic disco-goers of the '70s, BMW-driving yuppies of the '80s and graying private-investor homeowner parents of the '90s all have one thing in common: They're all Boomers."

"It takes a staggering amount of effort to keep oneself the focus of an entire society for one decade, much less four, but the Boomers somehow pulled it off," Raymond continued. "Thankfully, though, their reign will soon come to an end. It's just too bad so few of them died before they got old."

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Hey Martha

Monday, April 20, 1998

Pigs love their country

STUART, Fla. (AP) -- Paul Thompson claims country music soothes his pigs. His neighbors say the music's volume makes them squeal.

Neighbors Jean and Alice Krenz together with The Florida Club golf course filed lawsuits last week against Thompson and another pig farmer claiming their loud music disrupts golfers and turns away prospective homeowners.

The Krenzes, who live on the other side of the golf course from Thompson, say they can hear his amplified radio broadcasts even with their windows closed.

"The Florida Club has bent over backwards to work with these people," said attorney Louis Lozeau, who said the music violates common law.

"Playing music where people can hear it a half-mile away is certainly unreasonable."

Thompson, who has 200 pigs, and neighbors Thomas and Faith Ann Rossano, with 20 pigs, say they are within their rights. The county has no noise ordinance.

"What we've got here is a rich developer trying to use the court system to squeeze out the poor people," Thompson said. "And I'm not squeezing."