Daily Dose - 990418 - Laws of golf, Balckboard, contractor, comic quotes, sexual problem, The Onion, Hey Martha
LAWS OF GOLF
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases proportionately with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down, and worshipped.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent - or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
_____________________
The Black Board
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
________________
The Contractor
There was once a man whose lifetime trade was erecting partition walls that split one room into two. One day, the man received a call from a young female customer who needed a wall fitted in her bedroom. Needing the extra cash, he agreed to perform the task that very day, and journey over to the girl's house.
Upon arrival, the girl (who was decidedly beautiful) told him where to start, and left him to complete the task. When the man finished, he notified the girl, and quietly waited for payment. Half an hour later, the girl came back in a terrible state, and told the man that she had no cash in the house, but to show her appreciation, she would gladly do anything he asked.
Being an honest man, he explained to the girl that all he had ever wanted to do was to put his index finger up a girl's ass, while having his thumb up her pussy. Cautiously the girl agreed, and pulled down her pants. The man placed his fingers where he wanted them, squeezed them together and said:
"now, give me my money, or I'll rip out the partition."
________________
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
_______________
Comic Quotes
Who said these next five quotes?
1.) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
2.) "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
3.) "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
4.) "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
5.) "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school."
ANSWERS:
1. -Paul Rodriguez
2. -Lily Tomlin
3. -Bobcat Goldthwait
4. -Gilda Radner
5. -Dan Quayle (Surprise.)
___________________
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
___________________
The Onion
Transgendered Sea Anemone Denounced As 'Abomination' By Clergy
HUNTSVILLE, AL--A coalition of Baptist clergymen spoke out Monday against the Telia felina, a transgendered sea anemone they are decrying as "base and depraved."
"This filthy anemone, which exhibits both male and female characteristics, is turning our oceans' intertidal zones into dens of sin and perversion," said Rev. William Chester, spokesman for the Save Our Seas Coalition, a Huntsville-based activist group dedicated to "the preservation of aquatic decency and morality." "For God knows how long, this twisted sea creature has been running rampant in our oceans, spreading its unnatural, bisexual lifestyle. And it's high time somebody took a stand."
The controversial anemone, common to warm-water reefs and basins worldwide, has been practicing its alternative sexual lifestyle at least as far back as 1859, when Charles Darwin first catalogued its phylum and species. Since then, over 40 subspecies of Telia felina have been identified as dually gendered.
The Baptist group also strongly denounced the anemone's reproductive habits and family structure.
"Unlike so many respectable, God-fearing creatures, the Telia felina reproduces asexually, openly mocking traditional family values by giving birth to and raising its young in a single-parent setting," Chester said. "This anti-Christian anemone, which has the audacity to think that a child can grow up properly without the benefit of two loving parents, is truly the Murphy Brown of the deep."
Added Chester: "If you still doubt the pain and suffering wrought by this undersea abomination, just look into the eyes of a young anemone child forced to grow up wondering why Mommy and Daddy live in the same body. This, my friends, is not natural."
As part of its campaign against the invertebrate, Save Our Seas is calling upon Greenpeace and other environmental groups to cease their defense of endangered species and regions that fail to uphold high moral standards. The group is also threatening a boycott of aquariums that display the Telia felina or any other creature of questionable character.
"Is this the kind of marine invertebrate we want our children to see on their school field trips to the aquarium?" Chester asked. "By putting this sort of filth on display in our nation's aquariums--aquariums that are often federally funded with your tax dollars--we send our children the message that the transsexual lifestyle is not merely to be accepted, but encouraged."
"It is truly sad to see what could have been an upstanding Christian creature cross over to a life of depravity and abasement," Pastor Kenneth Boyle, director of the Loaves And Fishes Academy Of Christian Marine Biology, said of the Telia felina. "Just look at its flamboyant bright green and gold coloration. And its hundreds of effeminate tentacles, which sway back and forth temptingly in an effort to lure the spiritually weak. The Bible says that on the fifth day, God filled the oceans with living creatures, but surely this is not what He intended."
____________________
Hey Martha
Thursday, April 23, 1998
Malaysia drops car on North Pole; citizens ask why
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) -- Malaysian sky divers parachuted the national car to the North Pole this week. Many Malaysians wondered why.
Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad praised the feat, saying, "we might seem to be taking our economic problem lightly, but it bolsters our spirit." But some citizens derided the drop as a gimmick intended to draw attention from the flagging economy and a water shortage.
"This doesn't help us at all. It proves nothing," said construction manager John Choy. "I'm too busy worrying about my own financial problems during these tough times," said Peter Lee.
The 16-member team that accompanied the Proton Wira sedan to the North Pole stayed there for two hours Tuesday. Team member AbdulRahmat Omars said the four-door sedan started up right away -- despite the freezing weather.