Daily Dose - 990414 - Having a Bad Day?, Things you never say to a naked man, some maths, strength, love with teacher, scream the longest, organist, The onion, Hey Martha

Courtesy of John S in Calgary...

Having a bad day?

The following is taken from a California newspaper:

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and facemask.

A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast-some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next the was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY? THINK AGAIN.

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day...

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Things you should never say to a naked man...
1)I've smoked joints fatter than that.
2)Ahh, it's cute.
3)I'm sorry.
4)Who circumcised you?
5)Why don't we just cuddle?
6)You know they have surgery to fix that.
7)You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
8)Can I paint a smiley face on that?
9)Wow, and your feet are so big.
10)My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
11)It's OK, we'll work around it.
12)Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
13)Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
14)Oh no, a flash headache!
15)My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
16)Let me go get my tweezers.
17)How sweet, you brought incense!
18)This explains your car.
19)Are you one of those pygmies?
20)All right! A treasure hunt!
21)Why is God punishing you?
22)But it still works, right?
23)Do you take steroids?
24)Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
25)Let me know when you're done.
26)Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
27)Aww, it's hiding.
28)Are you cold?
29)If you get me real drunk first.
30)Is that an optical illusion?
31)Were you neutered?
32)It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
33)Does it come with an air pump?
34)So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
35)Do I hang my hat on it?
36)Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

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Some Math:

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.
"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on."
"When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on."
"When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on."
"Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on!"
"So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"

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The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven- year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

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Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual.
One of them is an Italian, one a Black guy and the other is a Jewish guy.
They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week, and compare.
Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says, " I definitely won, I took my wife out to dinner, I bought her roses, I took her home and made love to her and she screamed for an hour."
The black guy says, "Man, I got you beat. I cooked dinner for my
wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her and
she screamed for two hours"
The Jewish guy states, " I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, I pulled out, I wiped my schmeckel on the curtain and she is still screaming!"

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How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got a girlfriend.

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!

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The Onion

News In Brief

Aztec Extremists Cut Out Visiting Pope's Heart

MEXICO CITY--Exacting retribution for Catholic explorer Hernando Cortez's destruction of their civilization, Aztec extremists cut out visiting Pope John Paul II's heart in a ritual ceremony Monday.

"For nearly 500 years, we have been brutally oppressed by the Catholics, enduring slavery, inquisition, rape, disease, forced conversions and random terror," said Aztec high priest Xalpatlahuac, holding aloft the still-beating heart of the pope, who was making his fourth trip to Mexico since ascending to the papacy in 1979.

"In the name of all those who have died, I sacrifice this heart to the sun god Huitzilopochtli."

The 78-year-old Polish pontiff was riding through the streets of downtown Mexico City in his popemobile when the extremists seized him and carried him off to a nearby Aztec pyramid. He was then pinned down by four priests, and, after a brief struggle, his chest was carved open with a sacrificial obsidian knife.

The Catholic Church has not responded to the extremists' demand that $14 billion in plundered Aztec gold be returned.

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Wednesday, April 29, 1998

Bear learns too late not to mess with Babushka

MOSCOW (AP) -- An elderly Russian woman came out on top in a showdown with a bear, dispatching the attacking beast with a knife, a news agency reported Tuesday.

Nina Bogdanova, a retired post office manager from the village of Bobrovets in western Russia, went into the woods earlier this month to cut tree branches to use as fishing rods, the ITAR-Tass news agency reported.

By accident, she walked near the lair of a female bear and its four cubs. Suddenly, she felt a blow to the back of her head, dealt by the charging animal.

The bear bit through her left hand, but Bogdanova used her knife to stab it to death.

After walking back to the village, Bogdanova was hospitalized, ITAR-Tass said. Since she is allergic to pain killers, doctors stitched her up without anesthetic, it added.

The report did not give her age. The incident took place near Tver, 100 miles northwest of Moscow.

The four cubs were taken to a regional nature preserve.