Daily Dose - 990413 - Best T-shirts, Truck Driver Alert, Twist on Philosophy, Short ones, Bumper Stickers, The Onion, Hey Martha

More from Joe in Calgary

Best T-Shirts

"Filthy, Stinking Rich-Well,
Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney,
My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam"-seen on Cape Cod

"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man-
I've Been Practicing Since 1943"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes,
He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"

"If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher"

"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be, When I Grew Up"

"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"Waiting for the Perfect Man"
(Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse -
He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts-
Do You Want Fries With That?"

"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"

"Finally 21,and Legally Able to Do Everything
I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"

________________________

TRUCK DRIVER ALERT

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the Day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office.

He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply,

"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

________________________

A TWIST ON PHILOSOPHY

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place . . .
You either married it or gave birth to it.

SHORT ONES (OF SORTS)

· Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
· In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
· I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
· What food reduces a woman's sex drive by some 90%? WEDDING CAKE
· New York's Grand Central Station recently received a $ 200 million-dollar make-over. The last American landmark that needed that much work was Paula Jones

______________________

Bumper Stickers

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult If Progress Means To Move Forward What Does Congress Mean? If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Politics - From The Words "Poly," Meaning "Many," And "Ticks," As In "Small, Bloodsucking Parasites"

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

He Who Dies With The Most Toys...Still Dies

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

_________________________

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
How many women would turn up for something called a cunt scrape?

________________________

What's the difference between a Mac and a doorstop?
4.5 lbs.

______________________

Q. What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A. A wedding.

_____________________

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk.

____________________

The Onion

Teenage Boys Helpfully Point Out Fat Girl's Shortcomings

WATERBURY, CT--Officials at Staunton Junior High School in Waterbury are praising three male students for taking the time Monday to point out the physical shortcomings of a female classmate.

Shortly before 9 a.m. homeroom, eighth-graders Jonathan Kurtz, Robby Simonson and Mitch Elliott freely offered classmate Shelley Griese, 13, an in-depth critique of her many flaws, generously giving her their candid appraisal without solicitation. Among Griese's body parts the boys cited as being in great need of improvement: her enormous thighs, stomach, buttocks, arms, chest and double chin. The trio also strongly recommended that Griese take active measures to improve her face, which they called "really ugly."

"Shelley's last name is Griese because that's what her skin is like," said Simonson, who has taken to calling his overweight classmate "Greasy Griese." "Just looking at her makes me wanna throw up."

"Even though she's flat, she wears a bra," Kurtz said of the 140-pound Griese. "And when you look at her from the back, you can see these rolls of fat hanging over the strap. It's, like, so gross."

Staunton JHS principal Howard Krumholz praised the boys for their "selflessness and candor."

"It's rare nowadays to see young people who are willing to reach out to a peer to let her know exactly what her weaknesses are and what aspects of her appearance she should strive to improve," Krumholz said. "If not for Jonathan, Robby and Mitch, Shelley may never have known that she needs to lose 40 pounds, minimum. I certainly didn't have the courage to broach the subject."

School psychologist Harriet Cisneros also had high praise for the trio. "These boys took the time to help a heavier, less self-aware classmate," Cisneros said. "Their fellow students should be proud of them and look up to them as role models."

In addition to Griese's weight problem, the boys also made the girl aware of her tangled, dishwater-brown hair; her shuffling, clumsy gait; and her shapeless, non-descript clothes, which look like her mom got them for like $2 at the Salvation Army or something.

Despite the boys' eagerness to help, Griese has become so unwilling to accept criticism that she often refuses to go to school, locking herself in the bathroom and threatening to swallow drain cleaner shortly before her bus arrives.

"Shelley is lucky enough to have people who care about her, but she's too closed-minded to listen to their advice," said her mother, Roberta Griese. "These boys just want to help her change, and she doesn't even realize it. It's their way of telling her they really care about her."

"Who knows," her mother continued, "maybe it's also the boys' way of telling her they'd like to take her out for pizza and a movie."

___________________

Hey Martha

Friday, January 22, 1999

Elderly woman locked in a pantry for a month

BUDAPEST, Hungary (AP) -- An elderly woman who accidentally locked herself in her pantry survived for a month on tomato juice and canned fruits before finally being rescued, authorities said today.

The 71-year-old woman, who lived alone, was reportedly in good condition after being found Wednesday by police.

Officials said she had locked herself in the small pantry of her house on Dec. 22. Neighbors in the residential Budapest neighborhood contacted police after not seeing her for a month.