Daily Dose - 990412 - Victoria's Secret, Ribbit, curse, without glasses, what is sex, playing church, taxidermist, nibble on my ear, Onion, Hey Martha
Surprises in Victoria's Secret New Spring Line
43> "J. Reno" signature set of brown paper evening headwear
42> Catalogue included essay by Tyra Banks on "Semiotics of Mass Culture in the Third World"
41> Genetic Mutant Selection: 3 Cup Push-Ups
40> New "SuperMiracle Bra" turns your girlfriend into a supermodel by pumping up her bustline and deflating her IQ.
39> New MarvWear line for middle-aged sportscasters
38> New Queen Victoria's Secret Line: Black fabric-and lots of it, baby!
37> New baggy crotchless panties hang off your ass and down to your knees.
36> New soft-elastic panty waistbands allow women to "adjust their crotch" just like the guys!
35> One word: Lederhosen!
34> The CamperTramp collection of Gore-Tex lingerie
33> The Skank Collection, featuring models that might actually look twice at average men.
32> The all-new "Presidential Stains" collection!
31> The revolutionary "Tentacle Bra"
30> This year's hot item? Beret/Thong combos.
29> What's up with that whole Amish Chic flannel thing?
28> "Angels 2000"-good idea. "Rabbis 2000"-heads will roll.
27> "Tripp-The-Night-Fantastic" underwire bra with microphone built right in
26> 10 pages of Men's Silk Boxers, modeled by Marlon Brando.
25> 30% less airbrushing!
24> A line of ugly undergarments for women who've delivered octuplets and don't want their husbands ever touching them again.
23> Carmen Electra signature lingerie that changes color to blend with your partner's hair
22> It features a new line of sheer, diaphanous welding suits for women who work construction
21> M & M chocolate tassels, "melt in your mouth, not your hand."
20> New Catalog comes with alternate wife-safe "Sportz Illustrated" false cover
19> New dress, "Victoria's Secretion," endorsed by Monica Lewinsky.
18> New line of bras with the patented "Gordian Knot" clasps: Tells him in no uncertain terms that "No" means "No!"
17> New tool belt butt crack lingerie
16> Seniors - pamper yourself with our new Marge Schott burlap line
15> Spring Catalog cover model: a lockout-idled Dennis Rodman
14> Two words: Cigar holders
13> New "Victor's Secret" line
12> New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.
11> Company's efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.
10> Spring Special: Purchase any item from the "Rodman Collection" and get a free tattoo!
9> Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.
8> All bras are now seductively beer-scented.
7> Every wear you look-corduroy!
6> The "Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria's Secret Catalogue?" junior bra and panty set.
5> New "Wedge-o-matic" discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.
4> Damn near everything in the new "Monica" line is Scotch-Guarded.
3> All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.
2> New Teletubbies bras-because it's never to early to screw up a young girl's self image.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise in Victoria's Secret New Spring Line...
1> All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.
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Ribbit
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".
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A guy goes up to a girl in bar and says, "You want to play Magic?"
She says, "What's that?"
The guy answers, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear."
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Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
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A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the neighborhood children gathered around the front steps.
He asked what it was they were doing.
"We're playing church." one said.
The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, "Well, we've already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon. Now, we're all outside smoking."
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A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out.....
"Watch out for the wall!!!"
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My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was:
"No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back!"
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Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
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The Onion
Area Man May Never Find Out If Condom In Wallet Is Still Good
OMAHA, NE--Donald Muller, a 33-year-old Omaha near-virgin, may never find out if the Ramses Extra Sensitive condom in his wallet is still good, it was reported Monday.
"I really hope it hasn't deteriorated in the past three years," Muller said of the birth-control device, which was first inserted into his wallet in March 1996, prior to a St. Patrick's Day party that "didn't pan out."
"I don't really have any particularly strong leads right now, but it'd be nice to know I was prepared just in case anything came up."
Muller, who bought the condom in 1993 as part of a box of 12, said he hopes to strike up a conversation Sunday with a woman who uses the same laundromat as him.
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Hey Martha
Tuesday, February 2, 1999
America Online bans 10-year-old for Internet prank, then backs off
ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. (AP) -- When a 10-year-old boy broke America OnLine's rules, the giant Internet provider came down hard. It banned him -- and his family -- for life.
Derrick Wolbert and his family were a bit surprised. "I e-mailed a kid," the fifth-grader told The Buffalo News on Sunday, smiling and shrugging his shoulders. "I said I was, like, an AOL agent."
AOL refused to reconsider, said Derrick's father, Dennis. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got.
"How do I get banned for life, too?" Wolbert asked.
Finally, after Wolbert complained to the state attorney general's office and the News began pursuing the story, AOL relented and reinstated the account.
"Someone impersonating an America Online employee is an absolute violation of our terms of service, whether it's someone 10 years old or 80 years old," said AOL spokeswoman Tricia Primrose.
People posing as AOL employees frequently try to persuade others to tell them passwords or credit card numbers, she said.
Ms. Primrose said AOL didn't know what was in the e-mail; she said AOL knew about it only because the recipient of the message lodged a complaint.
She said an AOL representative talked with Derrick's father about guidelines.