Daily Dose - 990411 - Strange but True Deaths, MS Stands for?, Wrong Number, Actual product warnings, Noah's Ark, Readhead jokes, The Onion, Hey Martha

Strange But True Deaths

JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore-where a tree blew over and killed him.
ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge-killing him.
TAKE NOVOCAINE
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
POOR SUCKER
Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
CHECK THE PULSE FIRST
In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
FRAUD DOESN'T PAY
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

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MS Stands For...?
The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America. One of the ads uses the slogan "MS: It's not a software company" exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.
Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart.
One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task.
(From the UK edition of 'PC Week' 31 March, 1998)

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Wrong Number
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

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Actual warnings on products.
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

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Noah's Ark, etc.

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Noah's Ark...
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics-do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. :o)
8. If you can't fight or flee-float!
9. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
10. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
11. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
12. Don't miss the boat.
13. No matter how bleak it looks, if God is with you, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?
A: A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied- a redhead let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched "Stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Q: Why don't redheads like plastic vibrators?
A: Too frail for endurance.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde whore and a redhead whore?
A: After the blonde, you put antibiotics on your dick. After the redhead you put antibiotics on the bite marks on your shoulders and scratches on your back.

Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you.

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The Onion

Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Adfvocates Chocolate Cereal Consumption

MINNEAPOLIS--Count Vladimir Elysius von Chocula, the 400-year-old undead Rumanian nobleman who sustains his existence by feeding on the blood of the living, held a press conference at General Mills headquarters Monday to restate his long-standing advocacy of the pre-sweetened breakfast cereal that bears his name.

"Bluh! I am Count Chocula!" the walking cadaver told reporters. "And my cereal is a monstrously delicious part of this complete breakfast!" Chocula then gestured to a cobweb-strewn, rococo-carved oak table set with orange juice, buttered toast, half a grapefruit and a bowl of Count Chocula, part of General Mills' popular line of death-themed breakfast cereals.

Chocula, who routinely feasts on the blood of the innocent to prolong his nightmarish living death, told parents that a single serving of Count Chocula with half a cup of skim milk provides nine essential vitamins and minerals, and contains only half a gram of fat.

"Count Chocula is a ghoulishly good way to start the day!" said Chocula, shielding himself from a ray of deadly sunlight with his giant cocoa-brown cape. "It's so full of nutrients, it's frightening!"

The emaciated, single-toothed corpse went on to note that for a limited time, specially marked boxes of the cereal will feature "delectably scary" ghost-shaped marshmallow bits, as well as a coupon good for a $5 rebate on purchases of the direct-to-video film Casper & Wendy: The Mystery Of Ghoul Mountain.

Chocula concluded the press conference by fatally attacking Associated Press reporter Milt Feuerstein, biting into his jugular vein and sucking out nearly five quarts of blood.

Chocula's announcement is widely considered the most vehement on behalf of a breakfast cereal since October 1998, when a lurching, misshapen zombie-man assembled from stitched-together dead bodies demanded that U.S. children consume a strawberry-flavored cereal, and that a monstrous bride be made for him.

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Hey Martha

Tuesday, February 2, 1999

Man gets 60 days in jail for decapitating wife's cat

JONESBOO, Ark. (AP) -- A man got 60 days in jail for cutting the head off his estranged wife's cat and using it like a paperweight to hold down a threatening note to her.

Todd Anthony Looper, 31, was sentenced on Friday for cruelty to animals and terroristic threatening. He was also put on probation for a year and ordered to pay $510 in fines and court costs.

Pam Looper, 23, reported that someone broke into her house while she was gone Thursday and that she found the cat's head in her vehicle, with a note that read in part, "I'm going to give you a birthday like you never will forget."

Looper told police that he had had 14 beers in three hours and did not remember hurting the cat, but admitted the handwriting on the note looked like his.

Mrs. Looper's birthday was Sunday.