Daily Dose - 990410 - heaven and hell, button humour, quotes, Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty..., Useful Info, Hey Martha
Yet more from Joe in Calgary
One day while walking down the street a highly successful, executive woman was hit by a bus and, tragically, she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.
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Button Humour
Top 10 slogans I'd like to see on a button:
10. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9.I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7.I like cats too ... let's exchange recipes.
6.Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
5.Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
4.I'm just working here 'til a good fast food job opens up.
3.I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
2.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
1.God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
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Men get laid, but women get screwed.
-- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason to have sex-men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)
Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette.
-- Ernestyne White
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
-- Sanskrit proverb
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.
-- Jane Wagner
March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb.
-- Anonymous
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
-- Carrie Snow
Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
-- Remy de Gourmant (French writer)
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
-- H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow
God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
-- Anonymous
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMM......I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty at the office but isn't:
1.It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
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Top ten things that sound dirty in law but aren't:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in my chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3.Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:
1.Think you can get me off?
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Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4.Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2.Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1.Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
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Useful Info
You may have heard of some of these before.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom".
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Texas is the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same time height as the US flag.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie", (thus the name of the Don McLean song).
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other; adhere and separate.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat", which means "the king is dead".
Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
When opossums are "playing possum", they are not playing. They actually pass out from sheer terror.
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Big John
One day, a very small, sickly-looking man with thick glasses rode into a western town on the stagecoach. He was hired as the local saloon's bartender, but the owner gave him a word of warning: "Remember, drop everything and run for *your life* if ever you hear that Big John is on his way to town."
Things went fine for a few months. Suddenly, a big, strong cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'! Big John's a'comin'!" The patrons scrambled to get out the door, knocking the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him.
The bartender gathered his senses about him and had just found his glasses when the room went dark. He put them on to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors. Riding bareback on a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip, he came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the doors and doorframe! The man FLUNG the snake into the corner, KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the bar in half as he demanded a drink.
"Y-y-yes sir!" The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to the man. He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth, downed the contents in one gulp, let out a belch that shattered the saloon's mirror, ... and then turned to leave.
The bartender realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the man if he would like another drink?
"I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, April 09, 1998
IRS whopper: And you owe ... $270 billion?
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) -- Don't ever tell Lorie Marling the Internal Revenue Service can't be understanding. She got a surprise bill for back taxes, but the agency offered to let her pay in installments -- of $90 billion each.
"I looked at it and I thought, 'Oh, no, you must be kidding.' My accountant was afraid I'd have a heart attack," she said. The total owed: $270 billion.
"My accountant thought I was being called on to pay off the national debt," Marling said.
Yes, the bill that came Tuesday was a mistake, the IRS said. The agency has a system for reviewing tax notices before they're mailed out, but this one slipped by, said Teri Dixon, an IRS spokeswoman in Cincinnati.
"Every now and then, an erroneous notice does get through," Dixon said.
Marling said she does owe the IRS some money but hasn't finished calculating how much.