Daily Dose - 990407 - diver, Not So Deep Thoughts, samaritin, purpose of dating, old family bible, The Onion, Hey Martha

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,

"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

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Not So Deep Thoughts

· I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
· When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
· I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
· Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
· If all is not lost, where is it?
· It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
· If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
· The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
· I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
· It was all so different before everything changed.
· Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
· Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
· I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
· It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
· Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
· The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
· If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
· When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
· There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
· A closed mouth gathers no feet.
· Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.

It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

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The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman:

"What would you say to a little "oral" activity?"

"That all depends,..." she quickly responded. "...Your face, or mine?"

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The Onion (satire)

Bleary-Eyed Cosmopolitan Staffer Cranks Out 10 Billionth Way To Bring Out The Animal In Your Man

NEW YORK--Cosmopolitan writer Melissa Rutherford achieved a journalistic milestone Tuesday, when she cranked out the magazine's 10 billionth article revealing how to bring out the animal in your man.

"Surprise him by greeting him after work in a sexy new red cocktail dress," wrote the drained, numb Rutherford, who has advised Cosmopolitan readers how to bring out the animal in their men 135,285 times during her six-year tenure with the magazine.

"If that doesn't do the trick, tell him you left something in the kitchen, leave the room, and then come back in the altogether!"

Upon completing the piece, Rutherford jumped out a 34th-story window.

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, January 27, 1999

Suspect caught by name on hat

FORT SMITH, Ark. (AP) -- It didn't take police long to figure out their prime suspect in the holdup at the Gas Well convenience store.

Police said clerk Mary Ann Buckner remembered the pistol the robber carried, and the hard hat he wore. Oh, and also the name written on the front of the hat: "James Newsome."

Four hours after the robbery early Sunday, James Newsome, 37, was in custody.

An officer checking the route from Gas Well to Newsome's apartment searched a trash bin and found a plastic grocery bag that contained a hard hat with the Newsome name on it.

As for the weapon Newsome allegedly used, police found the tip of a toy pistol in his car.

Newsome was held in the Sebastian County jail for investigation of aggravated robbery and theft pending a court appearance Wednesday.