Daily Dose - 990406 - Wedding, War Veterans, What is FOREPLAY, minister, mother-in-law, blonde joke, Giuseppe, The Onion, Hey Martha
How many Petroleum Geologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but hundreds will apply for the job.
(ouch!)
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Wedding
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear!"
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War Veterans
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
The reply is, "l got this in the war."
Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.
So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."
Fred moves.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."
His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. l can't get it off of my hand."
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What is FOREPLAY?
1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4- The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.
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Y zero K problem
While browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered parchment.
After some effort he translated it and found that it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister fastorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 1 B.C., January 7 -- or 2000 years ago (remember, there was no year zero). The text of the message follows:
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
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After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!
He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.
She told me that HER mom died too!!"
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Giuseppe walks into work, and asks, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony responds, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a George Washington?"
Giuseppe says, "Hah! George Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and asks, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony replys, "No, Giuseppe, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Giuseppe says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe...you know who Filippo Giusti is?"
Giuseppe asks, "No. Who's-a Filippo Giusti is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
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The Onion (satire)
Desperate Wheel Of Fortune Receives Approval To Use Swear Words
BURBANK, CA--Desperate for new phrases, Sony Pictures' Wheel Of Fortune' received special permission from the FCC Monday to use word puzzles containing objectionable language.
"Twenty-three years of daily broadcasts have depleted us of every last familiar, non-offensive phrase," Wheel Of Fortune producer Robert Reynolds said. "I mean, last night we were doing puzzles like 'Pyrrhic Victory' and 'More To Be Pitied Than Censured,' and nobody could guess them."
Beginning next week, the program will feature such phrases as "Balls To The Wall," "Dick-Slapped," "Titty Fuck," "On The Rag," "Greasy Wop" and "Fucked Eight Ways From Sunday."
The popular show will also introduce such profanity-laced "Before & After" puzzles as "What A Crock Of Shit For Brains."
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, April 16, 1998
The driving lesson from hell
ABILENE, Texas (AP) -- Driving instructor Allen Merritt thought he had taken on the world's worst student: She nearly flattened a construction worker and a food stand and ran afoul of a police officer.
The joke was on Merritt: The woman was actually a stunt driver hired by a TV show called "Payback" in cooperation with Merritt's colleague, A-1 Academy of Driving owner Rick Bennett.
"I had no idea what was going on," Merritt, 67, said after the ordeal was over. "Everybody knew but me!"
Stuntwoman Jill Brown was helped with the gag by a bogus construction worker, a phony policeman and a fraudulent food stand.
Merritt grew increasingly frustrated as he became convinced that his "student" was out of control.
"Nobody's listening to me!" Merritt cried out, according to witnesses. "The police aren't listening to me, you're not listening to me and he's not listening to me!"
The episode was supposed to end with the car's carefully staged crash into a food stand, but Merritt managed to get a firm grip on the steering wheel as the car came to a stop.
"It was great," Bennett said. "Al was hilarious. It really was payback. I'm sure all of his students will love it."