Daily Dose - 990405 - New Baby Boy, gates of heaven, tech support, Adam and Eve, blind date, prison, The Funeral, The Thief, VIP in the limo, The Onion, Hey Martha

New Baby Boy

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like heck.

I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and...guess what he found?????

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The birth control pill!

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3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

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What people say to the tech support guys...
· My DOS system got corroded.
· I have about 20,000 megabytes on my hard drive.
· OK, I have a C: backsplash.
· Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?
· I have a cursing flasher.
· Do you have 3 ½ inch diskettes? 'No, I only have 3 of them.'
· I have Microword Soft.
· Do you want a forward backslash?
· I just put on DOS/Windows 6.0 and my memory crashed the system.
· Press any key. 'I can't find it!!'
· This DOS program says I have insignificant memory.
· Can you hang on while I take out my earring?
· I have a scummy card in my system.
· Why can't I call more than one BBS with one modem at a time? this IS a MULTITASKING system, isn't it?

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In the beginning, when God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females on the other. Then He asked "Which of your species would like to pee standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine" said God. "Women get multiple orgasms."

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"HOW was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

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As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

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The Funeral

Mannie and Morris had been partners in the garment district for decades. Both prospered well, so when Mannie suddenly died, Morris felt it only right to give his old friend as fancy of a funeral as he could.

As the funeral cortege moved slowly through the streets towards the Mount Zion Cemetery, a large coal truck accidentally pulled into the line of cars directly between the hearse and the limousine where Morris rode.

"If I hadn't seen this with my own eyes, I'd have never believed it! " exclaimed Morris, his voice ringing in admiration. "Mannie not only knew where he was going, but he ordered his own fuel as well!"

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Thief

After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"

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Top 10 signs Bill Clinton is telling the truth:
10. Oh, wait, never mind. There aren't any.

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V.I.P. In The Limo

The Pope was on a visit to New York to speak to the General Assembly at the UN. The Secretary General was to pick him up personally at the airport but, being detained by some crisis or another, sent his personal limo on ahead instead. The driver held up a sign that simply said "Pope" and explained to the Pope what had happened and that he was there to take him to UN headquarters and invited the Pope to sit in the back of the limo.

The Pope got in and, boy, was he impressed: 9 yard leather seats, one-way tinted glass, Dom P. on ice, air conditioning, sliding sun roof, stereo, television with satellite dish, computer and fax machine, magic fingers under the seat, all of the comforts. Then the Pope saw the driver: Walkman headphones on, wrap around Raybans, leather racing gloves, elbow out the window, wind blowing in the hair,...

The Pope knocked on the glass and said: "My good man, I have a proposition for you. I bet you have never sat back here before and I have never driven one of these things before so, what do you say, shall we trade places? You come back here and let me drive?"

The driver resisted at first but eventually agreed. He pulled over to the curb, go out, let the Pope behind the wheel and settled in in the back with the bottle of bubbly. The Pope adjusted the mirrors, put on the headphones, turned up Tina Turner, stuck his elbow out the window and stuck his foot in it: 80 mph, 100, 120, settled in at 140 mph and flew right past a motorcycle cop.

The cop switched on the overhead, gave chase and, with much difficulty, finally pulled the limo over about two miles down the road. He swaggered over to the driver side, rapped on the window and started to say: "Look buddy, what in the holy crap do you think you are ...." and he saw the Pope behind the wheel. He went back to his motorcycle and got the shift sergeant on the radio.

He said: "Sarge, Mullaney here, look I have pulled over this limo here on 47th Street for speeding and we got a problem. It's a VIP". The sergeant said: "OK Mike, I understand, tell me. Just how important is he? Is he, for instance, more important than the Chief of Police?" Mullaney said: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Chief."

"Alright", said the Sergeant, "is he more important than, say, the Mayor?" Mullaney said that he was even more important than that Mayor. The Sergeant asked: "The Governor?" and Mullaney answered: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Governor even."

The Sergeant said: "But, surely, not more important than the Senator?" and Mullaney replied that this VIP was much more important than even the Senator. The Sergeant began to be a bit worried and asked:

"God man, you didn't stop the President of the United States did you?" The cop said: "No sir I didn't, but this man is even more important than the President."

The sergeant said: "More important even than the President of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? Then tell me, who is it?"

The cop said: "Well Sarge, I can't rightly say who he is but I can tell you this. His driver is the Pope!"

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The Onion (satire)

Animal Rights Activists Release 71,000 Cows Into Wild

PRAIRIE DU CHIEN, WI--Members of the radical group Animal Liberation Front swept through a 900-square-mile region of Western Wisconsin Monday, freeing an estimated 71,000 cows from their human captors.

"These cows are finally free to run wild through the wilderness," said ski-masked ALF member "Brent," loosing a 200-head Guernsey herd from Milk-Rite Dairy in Reedsburg. "No creature should have to live in servitude to humans."

Within hours of the cows' release, police departments throughout the area began receiving reports of bovine fatalities.

"We've been getting calls all night long," Viroqua police chief Dale Chambers said. "So far, 43 cows have been hit by cars, 11 have fallen off bridges and drowned, and three have been electrocuted from chewing on power lines."

Among the 71,000 freed cows were 450 Jerseys from the Cumberland Dairy Farm near Prairie du Chien, liberated by a team of activists in a midnight raid. The cows were loaded onto trucks, then transported 100 miles north and freed in a forest clearing, where, as of press time, all 450 were standing around eating grass.

The long-distance transport of the Cumberland cows was deemed necessary in light of an event last August, when 80 Milking Shorthorns were released from the Miklewski farm in Beloit, only to wander back into their pens the next day.

"It was the greatest thrill of my life to have personally broken the padlock on the gate that cruelly held these cows," Animal Liberation Front member Ross Kreutzman said. "As long as I live, I'll never forget the lazy, sluggish look in those cows' eyes as I shoved them through the gate with all my might."

Animal activists are hailing the raid as a major victory for cows' rights.

"Cows do not belong in dairy farmers' pens. They belong out in the wilderness, where they may run free with the wolves and bears," PETA spokesperson Linda McCune said. "This raid was an important first step toward returning the proud, majestic cow to its natural environs."

Monday's cow release is the highest-profile raid for the Animal Liberation Front since October 1996, when the group released three million chickens into Yosemite National Park.

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, April 13, 1998

Where's the fire? Drunken woman takes fire truck on wild ride

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) -- A woman climbed into a 25-ton fire pumper truck, drove away with the emergency lights flashing and led police on a 50-mile chase before she was arrested.

Police accounts say the hour-long chase began after Shirley Jean Shay, 41, walked up to police officers during a domestic dispute Saturday morning, asked them for help finding her car and was told to wait for a taxi.

Instead, she climbed into a $350,000 fire truck idling nearby and drove off.

She went north for a while and then turned around on Interstate 15, reaching speeds of up to 70 mph even though the parking brake was never disengaged.

Police used road spikes three times to puncture all six tires. Ms. Shay drove 20 more miles before the wheels gave out.

"We're regarding it as a fluke that she was able to get the truck under way," fire Capt. Devin Villa said. "Our drivers undergo extensive training to learn how to operate the trucks."