Daily Dose - 990404 - pollster, Rodneyisms, Last 10 things any man would say, Cadillac, smoke rings, Understanding the Engineer, gay football, well endowed, The Onion, Hey Martha

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?"

_____________________

"Texan George W. Bush, describes himself as a, quote, 'compassionate' conservative, which in Texas means he asks you how you like your Jello just before he flips the switch." (Craig Kilborn, on The Daily Show)

____________________

Rodneyisms

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. (Rodney Dangerfield)

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. (Rodney Dangerfield)

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield)

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (Rodney Dangerfield)

My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a friend. (Rodney Dangerfield)

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. (Rodney Dangerfield)

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could....but he pulled through. (Rodney Dangerfield)

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide. (Rodney Dangerfield)

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. (Rodney Dangerfield)

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. (Rodney Dangerfield)

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too! (Rodney Dangerfield)

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! (Rodney Dangerfield)

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. (Rodney Dangerfield)

____________________

The Last Ten Things Any Man Would Ever Say

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her tits are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
7. Sure! I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping, and I can hold your purse.
9. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost. I'd better pull over and ask for directions.

____________________

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1998 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10.

He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.

Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

____________________

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes."

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."

"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.

The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear....."

___________________

Understanding The Engineer

The optimist: This glass is half full.
The pessimist: This glass is half empty.
The engineer: This container is twice as large as it needs to be.

___________________

Swedish auto-maker Volvo is in talks to take over Italian auto-maker Fiat.
They say their goal is to create the world's safest non-functioning car. (Steve Voldseth)

____________________

A man who had just divorced his wife was at the local bar sucking a beer down, when a fag approached him.

"Wanna play football?" the gay asked

"No!" the man shouted

"It's easy! Just guzzle a beer for a touchdown, and fart for the extra point"

"Ok, you first" so the gay guzzles a beer and says "TD! 6 points" then he proceeds to pull down his pants and let one go--

"Extra point- good!"

"Ok, It's my turn" the man says.. He guzzles down a beer, and pulls down his pants to fart, and the gay begins butt-fucking the man shouting, "Block that kick! Block that Kick!"

_______________________

A virgin girl gets married to a guy who is renowned for being particularly well endowed. She's a bit nervous about the wedding night and explains this to her new husband.

Being sympathetic, he works out a way around this - he'll show her his penis bit by bit.

So the wife's lying in bed when she suddenly sees three inches of penis poking through the doorway.

"Are you sure you are not nervous yet?", her husband asks.

"No, I'm OK", she replies.

Another six inches of penis promptly comes through the doorway.

"Are you still OK?"

"Yes, I'm still OK", she replies.

When another six inches appears in the doorway she says, "I'm still not nervous."

"OK", her husband replies, "then I'm coming up the stairs now!".

_______________________

The Onion (satire)

God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Little Boy

SAN FRANCISCO--For as long as he can remember, 7-year-old Timmy Yu has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer to walk again. Though many thought Timmy's heavenly plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true Monday, when the Lord personally responded to the wheelchair-bound boy's prayer with a resounding no.

"I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me," said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life.

"And now my prayer has been answered. I haven't been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy."

God's response came at approximately 10 a.m. Monday, following a particularly fervent Sunday prayer session by little Timmy. Witnesses said God issued His miraculous answer in the form of a towering column of clouds, from which poured forth great beams of Divine light and the music of the Heavenly Hosts. The miraculous event took place in the Children's Special Care Ward of St. Luke's Hospital, where Timmy goes three times a week for an excruciating two-hour procedure to drain excess fluid from his damaged spinal column.

Said Angela Schlosser, a day nurse who witnessed the Divine Manifestation: "An incredible, booming voice said to Timmy, 'I am the Lord thy God, who created the rivers and the mountains, the heavens and the earth, the sun and the moon and the stars. Before Me sits My beloved child, whose faith is that of the mustard seed from which grows mighty and powerful things. My child, Timmy Yu, I say unto you thus: I have heard your prayers, and now I shall answer them. No, you cannot get out of your wheelchair. Not ever."

Paralyzed in a 1996 auto accident that also claimed the lives of both his parents, Timmy has served as a shining example to his fellow churchgoers at Lord In Heaven On High Church, inspiring others with his simple, heartfelt devotion. Now that Timmy has received an answer, Christians the world over are celebrating his story as a stirring testament to the power of faith.

"The Lord has answered a little boy's plea to know if he would ever walk again, and that answer was no," Rev. H. Newman Gunther of the San Francisco School Of Divinity said. "For years, this boy had been plagued by the question of whether or nothe would ever walk, and now Our Lord, in his wisdom and mercy, has forever laid to rest any lingering doubt. Young Timmy can rest assured in the immutable truth that the Lord has bestowed upon him. Now and for all time, he finally knows that he will never escape the cruel prison of his chair of iron, for God hath willed it so. Praise be to God!"

Asked for comment, God said: "This kind-hearted child's simple prayer hath moved Me. Never before have I seen such faith. His trusting soul, so full of innocent devotion to Me, hath offered seventy times seven prayers asking, 'God? Can I please walk again?' It was indeed right and fitting that I, in My infinite wisdom, should share with him the One True Answer to this long-repeated question he put before Me."

"My will be done," God added.

Witnesses to the miracle said Timmy begged God for several minutes to change His mind and heal his shattered vertebrae, but the Lord stood firm.

"God strongly suggested that Timmy consider praying to one of the other intercessionary agents of Divine power, like Jesus, Mary or maybe even a top saint," Timmy's personal physician, Dr. William Luttrell, said. "The Lord stressed to Timmy that it was a long shot, but He said he might have better luck with one of them."

Despite all the attention he has received, Timmy remains humble in the face of his newfound notoriety as the only human ever to have a prayer directly answered by God Himself.

"I know that God loves me, because it says so in the Bible," Timmy said. "So right now, I am just glad that God took the time to answer my prayer. If only I could walk, this would be the greatest day of my life."

_____________________

Hey Martha (true)

Monday, April 06, 1998

Easter Egg hunt degenerates into fracas

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- A church-sponsored Easter egg hunt turned into a free-for-all.

Some 5,000 people were drawn to Saturday's event held by the World Harvest Church, which featured a pile of thousands of artificial eggs containing Bible verses and pieces of candy.

But when it came time to grab the treats, children were joined by anxious parents rushing the pile, and eggs and youngsters got trampled.

Ten-year-old Lizzy Ellenwood managed to collect a few eggs, but complained that some kid pushed her in the stomach and another ran over her foot with a skate.

"This isn't an Easter egg hunt. It's an Easter egg massacre," said Joe Vetter, one of the adults watching the debacle.

Church spokesman Ryan Julison called the event a success, but said that next year the church will make sure everyone realizes it's for the children, not the adults.

Deborah Edge took her 6-year-old and 10-year-old children to the hunt, and was shocked at how some parents behaved.

"I saw a lady stealing out of a little kid's basket," she said.

__________________

God's Wings

An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings. After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.

One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings. The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring's to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived and the heat had singed her small body, the mother had remained steadfast. Because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.