Daily Dose - 990403 - God sent you, health club, Proof Jesus was..., race-car driver, office sign, sheep sex, The Onion, Hey Martha
"In a recent interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would leave President Clinton. In response, the President said, 'If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of this would have happened in the first place." (Conan O'Brien)
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God sent you
A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" "Yes, Dear, He did."
"And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl? Again the answer was "yes."
The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?... .No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
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For my birthday this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named T anya, who said she was a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress:
Day 1.
Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blonde hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think that just standing next to her, in THAT outfit of hers, added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while.
Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest, so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.......
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It SANK!
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floors don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music or social studies teacher?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
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PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
PROOF THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. His last request was a drink.
PROOF THAT JESUS WAS LATINO:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
PROOF THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
PROOF THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
PROOF THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
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The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.'
Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'" "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
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Variety reports that The Rolling Stones plan to charge up to $300 for seats to their upcoming concerts which will be held in more intimate 20,000 seat arenas. This is expected to be particularly hard on the many Rolling Stone fans living on a fixed Social Security income. (Jim Rosenberg)
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A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
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Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed.
"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."
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Sign in an office:
"This job is only a test.
had it been an actual job,
you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions."
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A South African tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
"Fer Christ's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
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Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." -- Steven Wright
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The Onion (satire)
Wife Too Busy Videotaping Elk Attack To Save Husband's Life
BANGOR, ME--Investigators are citing "camcorder duty" as a significant factor in the death of Larry Fallon, who was kicked to death by an elk during a hunting trip Monday.
"I wish more than anything that I could have grabbed Ken's rifle from the truck and helped him," a grieving Roxanne Fallon said, "but to aim and fire the gun while maintaining focus and properly framing the action would have been impossible."
Fallon's death, captured on tape in its entirety, will air Friday, Dec. 18, on Fox's When Animals Attack VII.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, April 03, 1998
Easter eggs for the blind
ELKO, Nev. (AP) -- The department store cashier gave Margaret Paoli a funny look as she rang up the customer's 40 toy cellular phones.
"She said, 'So you're stocking up on toy cellular phones? Do you run a preschool?"' Mrs. Paoli said.
Not exactly. Her husband, Mark, needed some parts from the phones to make their Easter eggs making beeping noises.
The invention will allow children with impaired vision, like the Paolis 4-year-old son, Gus, to hunt for Easter eggs even if they can't see them.
Mrs. Paoli said she had heard of beeping egg hunts, but no one seemed to know how to make the special eggs when she called local associations for the blind.
So she had her husband put his engineering talents to work to design an Easter egg that made noise. That's where the toy phones came in.
"He loves them," Mrs. Paoli said of her son. "He thinks they're great."