Daily Dose - 990331 - Paparelli, New Viagra, loaf of bread, commiting suicide, hitchhiker, For the Ladies, Moses and Jesus, Grandpa and Viagra, womanizer, The Onion, Hey Martha

Paparelli was hung like a horse. He died with an erection, and with rigor mortis, well, the funeral home staff had quite a job ahead of them! They tried strapping it to his body, but it pulled him up into a standing position. They tied it to his leg, but his leg sprang up in the air!

The funeral director called Mrs. Paparelli as to what to do, and she told them to cut it off and shove it up his ass. The undertaker wondered why he hadn't thought of that himself.

At the funeral, the widow noticed that there was a pained expression on the dead mans face. There was even a tear in the corner of his eye. She leaned over and whispered, "See, you bastard, I told you it hurts!"

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New Viagra

With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate

Viagrallium: A mix of Viagra and Vallium: if you don't get to fuck, then you don't give a fuck.

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Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand deep in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

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An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again - the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.

"I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

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Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride one night from this real mean-looking redneck trucker.

After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said:

"Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.

"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."

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For the ladies....

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

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Moses and Jesus were playing golf one day when they came up to a long hole with a water trap right in the middle of the fairway. Jesus teed his ball up and pulled out a two iron. Moses saw this and said, "You can't make it over that trap with a two iron."

Jesus replied, "Jack Nicklaus does it all the time. Sure I can." So Jesus hit the ball and sure enough, the ball fell right into the trap. Moses walked down, parted the water and retrieved Jesus' ball.

As he brought it back up to Jesus he said, "See, I told you you would never make it over that trap. Your going to need at least a four wood."

Jesus said, "No! If Jack Nicklaus can do this with a two iron, I can!" So he hit the ball again. Right into the trap it went.

As Jesus was walking around on the top of the water, looking for his ball, a golfer walked by and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replied, "No, he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus....."

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A carpenter was doing work for Johnny's folks. Every time the carpenter got out another tool to work with, little Johnny would say, "My pop's got TWO of those."

The carpenter finally had to use the bathroom, and Johnny followed him in there. "I 'll bet your pop hasn't got two of THESE," said the carpenter.

Johnny replied, "No, but he's got ONE that will make TWO of yours!!"

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My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the same reason. With both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit.

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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she had caught ICE-Man with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. ICE-Man thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.

In a panic, ICE-Man sought the advice of a physician who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue. By now, the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.

"What is this thing growing out of my head Doctor?", asked ICE-Man.

"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?, pleaded a distraught ICE-Man "

"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."

"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!", cried ICE-Man

"There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" asked ICE-Man.

"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."

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The Onion (satire)

Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity

NOME, AK--A Castrol supertanker ran aground Monday near Nome, AK, spilling more than 50 million gallons of high-grade Castrol motor oil into the Bering Strait and greatly improving the viscosity of local marine wildlife.

The spill, the world's largest since the Exxon Valdez ran aground in 1989, coated over 500,000 birds, fish and seals in quality, medium-weight lubricant that will provide them with valuable protection and keep important animal parts running smooth.

Local wildlife officials were excited by the spill. "A thick coat of oil should help these animals tremendously, especially with the cold weather coming," said Greg Gedman, secretary of Alaska's Department of Fish, Wildlife and Parks. "Last winter, over 2,500 Aleutian cranes suffered severe thermal breakdown from the cold. When temperatures reach 75 degrees below zero, cranes need a good oil like Castrol to keep their wings, claws and other parts loose."

Gedman said that the Bering Strait's extremely active animal population has long been in need of basic preventative oil care.

"Today's wildlife revs at higher r.p.m.'s," Gedman said. "So when you're a gray seal swimming after a fish at over 200 strokes per minute, you can't afford any excess friction on your fins or tail. You need a quality motor oil to keep them as loose as possible."

Particularly enjoying the Castrol spill is the local salmon population. Shortly after the spill took place, several thousand Alaskan salmon were spotted enthusiastically flipping about in the crude oil, gasping for air from all the playful exertion. Many of the fish were so tired from frolicking that they stopped moving altogether.

Castrol public-relations director Bob Crutchfield expressed pleasure with the oil spill. "For years our products have provided top-notch protection for millions of automobile owners," Crutchfield said. "Now we've shown the world that we can offer that same protection to America's birds, fish and other wildlife."

Crutchfield said that, for most Arctic-region animals, he recommends Castrol Premium. For animals that spend a lot of time in or near the water, such as egrets and halibut, he recommended Castrol Plus, which contains a special anti-rust ingredient.

Monday's spill was so successful, Crutchfield said, that plans are already underway for more oil leaks around the world.

Beginning this spring, massive Castrol tankers will be intentionally run aground in over three dozen wildlife-rich areas, covering millions of surrounding flora and fauna in a healthy coat of premium-grade motor oil. In shoreline areas not rocky enough to rupture the tankers' metal hulls, the vessels will be "pre-cut," their hulls sliced just enough to burst open at the slightest contact.

In addition to off-shore spills, Castrol officials hope to expand inland, coating rainforests, wetlands and other at-risk ecosystems in high-grade automotive lubricant.

"Every day, seven more species become extinct in the Amazon rainforest," said Marcia Nettles, director of the Rainforest Action Network. "Perhaps if we stressed proper prevention and maintenance with genuine Castrol-brand products, we could keep these species from dying off so fast."

According to Gedman, Monday's spill has had an added benefit, providing the waters of the Bering Strait with an attractive rainbow sheen. "Before the spill, the water here was pretty much greenish-blue all the time," Gedman said. "Now we've got a million different colors. It's quite beautiful: The oil's iridescent, rainbow-colored shine is far more attractive than the algae and drab-green colors of the plant life it replaced."

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, March 31, 1998

Naked driver leads police on high-speed chase

ALMA, Mich. (AP) -- An Indiana woman was arrested after leading police on a high-speed car chase wearing nothing but her seat belt.

Police from five agencies chased the 46-year-old woman Monday afternoon after several drivers called to report a naked motorist.

The woman reached speeds of up to 177 kilometres an hour in a borrowed car.

"She was all over the place, passing on the right and everything," said Chief Wayne Donley of the Shepherd, Mich., Police Department.

Officers draped the woman in a raincoat and arrested her after she pulled into a parking lot. She was taken to a hospital psychiatric ward.