Daily Dose - 990324 - Mating Calls, Blackboard, Classic Quotes, Jordan's Legasy, scale, Span and Urban Legends, Sucking His Thumb, Sunday School, Tax Facts, Little Prayer, The Onion, Hey Martha
Happy Mount Arafat Day and Eid Al-Adha everyone !!!
Jokes will continue on March 31st
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Mating Calls
There were two Indians and joe walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave...
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
and then listened very closely until he heard the answer...
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
joe was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.
"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave.
He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
joe started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about.
All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"
Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of esctasy and grandure.
He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!
Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read, NEKKID GUY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!
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Blackboard
A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front door of a school. It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air.
There was a piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard, so the priest took it and wrote in large letters, 'I'm a priest and I pray for you all.'
A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he added under it, 'I'm a lawyer and I defend you all.'
Then a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk and wrote on the blackboard, 'I'm a doctor and I cure you all.'
Finally an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, 'I am a ordinary citizen and I pay for you all.'
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Classic Quotes
1.) "Many a man in love with a dimple, makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl." --- Stephen Leacock
2.) "Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law." --- Hubert Humphrey
3.) "I don't even know what street Canada is on." --- Al Capone.
4.) "Get out. Last words are for fools who haven't already said enough." --- Karl Marx
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Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole thing.
He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing
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Michael Jordan's Legacy
Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game:
$10,000 a minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making $178,100 a day, working or not.
Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.
If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with no popcorn), but he made $18,550 while he was there.
If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it was boiling.
He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.
He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of 'Friends.'
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.
He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.
Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
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Spam, Urban Legends, and Chain Letters
This is a perfect combination of the most popular urban legends, chain letters, and other general crap that we all get just for having an email account. Remember none of the following is true in real life :)
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over.
When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around.
And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 20 people you will have good luck but 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
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Sucking his Thumb
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute,then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."
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Sunday School
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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Tax Facts
Your Tax Dollars...
The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 [I don't know what version the author was referring to] words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.
There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.
Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.
The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year.
Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.
60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.
Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
WOW!
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Saying a Little Prayer
On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance".
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The Onion (satire)
Sadamm Hussein Steps Down Following Sex Scandal
BAGHDAD--Succumbing to public outcry and intense media scrutiny over his alleged March 1996 sexual liaison with a Presidential Palace concubine, embattled Iraqi president Saddam Hussein resigned Monday.
"President Hussein has finally done the right thing," said Special Inquisitor and Most-Holy Scholar Of The Koran Fayd al-Khurmah, who doggedly pursued the president for nearly 27 months. "It is my sincere hope that this episode has at last been brought to a close, and that the nation of Iraq can move forward."
According to sources close to Hussein, the final straw came on July 30, when al-Khurmah struck an immunity deal with the 22-year-old concubine in exchange for her testimony against the Iraqi ruler. The concubine--who remains unnamed because of fundamentalist doctrine stipulating that convicted harlots be referred to as "She-Who-Cannot-Be-Named"--agreed to provide al-Khurmah with a full account of Hussein's alleged sexual misconduct. She also agreed to hand over to prosecutors the infamous "Love Veil," a black, woolen facial covering Hussein allegedly removed to gaze upon her exposed hair, facial features and upper neck.
Under the terms of the concubine's deal with the Special Inquisitor's office, in exchange for her testimony, she will be spared execution for harlotry by public stoning.
Hussein, who maintains his innocence, issued his brief statement of resignation on Iraqi television.
"My fellow Iraqis," Hussein said, "while I very much would like to continue to govern this nation, I can no longer do so effectively while faced with this distracting investigation and constant hounding by the Iraqi media. In light of this, I believe it is in the best interests of Iraq that I step down as your president."
For more than a year, Hussein struggled to preserve his government's totalitarian reign of terror while the scandal deepened. Though he originally attempted to downplay the al-Khurmah probe, dismissing the sexual-misconduct charges as "satanic, infidel lies" and telling reporters, "I need to get back to the serious business of slaughtering thousands of Kurds," the investigation and accompanying media frenzy ultimately proved too much for the president.
On July 8, Hussein admitted to investigators that he helped the concubine land a position in Iraqi deputy minister of finance Mustafa Aziz's harem in the remote desert city of Mosul, but he insisted he only did so as "a favor to a friend."
Among the numerous charges Hussein has denied: that he had improper sexual relations with the concubine and urged her to lie about it under oath; that he gave her numerous gifts, including a personally autographed copy of The Koran, a 14th-century Moorish sword, and the left ear of longtime opposition-party leader Khusuf al-Birjand; and that he proclaimed a fatweh, or death sentence, against al-Khurmah.
Iraqi public opinion of the Hussein scandal has been deeply divided.
"If Saddam Hussein did indeed have improper relations, is this the sort of man we want leading Iraq?" said Samarra-area fig vendor Anah Saddiq. "It is important for me to feel that I can trust my president."
"What does it matter if President Hussein lifted a woman's veil?" countered Abdul Kifri, a Ba'qubah rice farmer. "The important thing is that he is doing a good job leading Iraq. As long as unemployment is low, crime is down, and the weapons-inspecting U.N. infidel pig dogs are kept away from our secret underground chemical-weapons plants, who cares what the president does in his private life?"
Hussein, who officially left office Tuesday, said he plans to take a year off and then rejoin the Baghdad law firm of Basrah, Abdanan & al-Qayyarah, where he was a senior partner from 1966 to 1972.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, April 08, 1998
The Pansy Circle gang?
FULLERTON, Calif. (AP) -- What's in a name? Police hope that renaming Baker Street to Pansy Circle will send gangs elsewhere but city officials aren't so sure.
The City Council on Tuesday postponed the suggested change. Members like the idea -- but they might opt for a different flower.
"A couple of council members said the name 'pansy' might have a negative connotation to some people," city spokeswoman Sylvia Palmer said.
The 2300 block of Baker Street, a cul-de-sac of apartment buildings, is claimed by the Baker Street Gang as its turf. There are loud and violent parties and plenty of graffiti.
"We don't want this to be an attractive area for a gang," Sgt. David Stanko said. "The other connotation (of pansy) besides a flower is something a gang wouldn't want to identify with."
Doug Weiss, executive director of the Gay and Lesbian Community Services Center, said "there must be a better way to discourage gangs."
Councilman Richard Jones proposed rhododendron or chrysanthemum, saying those might be tough for a graffiti vandals to spell.