Daily Dose - 990322 - Japanese candidate for Darwin Award, Pillsbury Dough Boy, God Damn Deposit, clean pussy, hangover, limericks, A Priest please, More dirty limericks, The Onion, Hey Martha

Japanese candidate for 1999 Darwin Awards

TOKYO (AP) - The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.

The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and discotheques.

Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice.

Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.

The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere.

"Mr Otoma has no-one to blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are allowed to deal with customers" said Mr Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take bar.

"Mr Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximise the size of the flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the judgement is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen bottles of lager he was badly out of tune."

"He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the front of Mrs Mifune's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr Otoma's knees, knocking his legs from under him."

"The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr Otoma's legs backwards also pivoted around his centre of gravity and moved his upper body forward with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that cigarette."

"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential muteness and loss of employment are his own fault."

Mr Otoma was unavailable for comment.

______________________

Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead At 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

_____________________

A guy goes into a bank. He says, "I want to make a God damned deposit."

The teller says to him, "You can't talk that way in here."

He says again, "I want to make a God damned deposit!"

She says, "I'm going to get the manager."

He says, "I want to make a God damned, fucking deposit!"

The manager comes over and asks, "What seems to be the problem here?"

The man says, "I just won the lottery and I want to make a God damned, fucking deposit."

The manager says, "And this bitch won't help you?"

___________________

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."

"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week

___________________

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.

Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have i done? must have been a wild party".

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "If there's a god, please let this be a teabag"

____________________

There once was a girl from Arden
who sucked off a man in the garden.
I said "My dear Flo
where does all that stuff go?"
And she (gulp), "I beg your pardon".

In the garden of Eden laid Adam
complacently stroking his madam.
So great was his mirth
for in all of the earth
there were only two balls and he had them.

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
said "Fucking is one thing I do know,
All Women are fine
and sheep are divine,
but Llamas are Numero Uno".

There was a young girl from Wheeling,
whenever she'd get the feeling,
she'd lay on her back
and tickle her crack
and piss all over the ceiling.

_____________________

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.

He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor dying man. "

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solem voice :

" B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

___________________

MORE DIRTY LIMERICKS....

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

Clinton says"I love Hollywood!
I've helped every star that I could!
So let's have a big hand
For Chief Justice Streisand
Who, by the way, gives head real good!"

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They screwed eighty ways -
Imagine such fucking devotion!

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who Kept a dead whore in his cave
She was missing a tit
She smelled like shit
But think of the money he saved

____________________

The Onion (satire)

Chinese Woman Gives Birth To Sextuplets - Has One Week To Choose

SHANGHAI, CHINA--In the second such documented case ever, Jinan Huang, a 33-year-old Shanghai woman, gave birth to septuplets Monday.

Jinan, who is in stable condition following the 31-hour delivery, has been given one week by government officials to decide which child she will keep.

"My husband and I have not decided for certain," said Jinan, speaking to reporters from her hospital bed shortly after the miraculous birth. "But we are very much considering keeping the second-born boy. He is the heaviest and, therefore, the most likely to survive and tend to us in our old age."

"We definitely do not want either of the two girls," Jinan's husband Lin said. "Of that much we are certain."

The six children not selected will, in accordance with Chinese multiple-birth law, be thrown off a mountaintop.

Since China's one-child-per-family law went into effect in 1983, more than 65 million multiple-birth babies have been put to death in the country.

Jinan, who said she had tried to have a baby for years, vehemently denied taking fertility drugs, the use of which is punishable by death in China. "I do not know how this happened," she said. "To my fellow citizens and our nation's leaders, I wish to apologize for this shameful and irresponsible multiple birth."
____________________

Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, March 24, 1998

Male gorilla, released to mate with females, drops dead

TOKYO (AP) -- The excitement, or perhaps the pressure, apparently was too much for Sultan. The 28-year-old male gorilla, specially moved to a cage to mate with three females, instead dropped dead.

The 180-kilogram lowland gorilla ran around briefly and played with his new friends Monday, then suddenly collapsed, apparently after suffering a heart attack, said Kunihiko Yasui, head of animal breeding at Kyoto Municipal Zoo.

Sultan was on a "breeding loan" from Ueno Zoo in Tokyo, 370 km east of Kyoto. World zoos have had difficulty breeding the lowland gorilla, considered on the brink of extinction.

A veterinarian from the zoo rushed to give the gorilla artificial resuscitation but to no avail, Yasui said.

"We'd had him in a cage next to the females since mid-January and thought it would be OK to release him. This is really unfortunate," Yasui said.

While age may have been a factor in Sultan's death, he wasn't over the hill by gorilla standards. Lowland gorillas typically live to age 35.

It is the most numerous of the three subspecies of gorillas, though only an estimated 100,000 lowland gorilla survive in the wilds of western Africa.

Releasing Sultan with three females was an effort to improve the chance of fertilization. Male lowland gorillas in the wild typically mate with several females.

Sultan's pelt could end up in science exhibits for school children, Yasui added.