Daily Dose - 990320 - Having a Bad Day?, Hold Me, near death experience, Young English Minds, Nudist, Donald MacDonald, The Onion, Hey Martha

And now, thanks to the "pseudo-miracle" of network E-mail - here are some more jokes - even though I'm in Spain right now...

Courtesy of Joe in Calgary

HAVING A BAD DAY? THINK AGAIN.

So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.

After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.

The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day...

____________________

HOLD ME!?

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman!

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them."

Then she goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).

She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis," but OK if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says," no - no - - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

______________________

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.

God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live.

She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"

To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

_______________________

YOUNG ENGLISH MINDS AT THEIR BEST

This is a compilation of actual UK student exam answers....

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. President Clinton would have liked to live in those days.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man with the same name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the Java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Butus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and terectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the titution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an analist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

__________________

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

___________________

Nudist

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:

"Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?".

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

____________________

The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Area Students Prepare Breasts for Increased Springtime Display

Female college students from across the northern U.S. celebrated the improved weather this week, preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that the warm weather now demands. For the last several months, the students' breasts have existed only in the imaginations and fond memories of others, obscured by baggy sweaters, bulky ski jackets, and shapeless flannel.

Yet, with the coming of spring, all that has changed, as students now slip into less fabric and fewer layers. Their breasts, like big cuddly honeybears wiping the sleep from their eyes as they emerge from hibernation, once again climb out into the sunshine, stretch out in the open air, and with near-mythic power grab the attention of all around, their taut nipples and gently undulating femme-flesh seeming almost to smile and say: "Look at us! Look at us!"

"I just bought a new spring 'mini-T' from Urban Outfitters," University of Michigan sophomore Debi Kahn, 19, says. "Its snug, almost too-small fit captures the essence of my girlhood, and at the same time allows me to prominently display my womanhood. It also has a Charlie's Angels logo on it in 1970s-style iron-on glitter-puff."

Kahn's classmates who have seen the shirt confirmed that it was "so way fly," and added they are eagerly looking forward to seeing her breasts protrude exuberantly from within it.

"At schools in warmer climates, the vast quantities of breasts tend to take on a diminished significance, because of overexposure," says Professor Hiram Milchan of the Hebraic Studies department of the Greater Miami Divinity School. "The campus populace tends to become jaded toward breasts, as they are nearly always visible even to a casual onlooker."

Pointing out his office window at an impromptu dormyard game of bikini volleyball, Milchan adds, "This does not move me. The undulating, the bouncing, the firm upraised globes leaping skyward, then back down again with a resounding bounce--all of this has become com monplace here in Florida."

Milchan went on to explain that in northern climes, the ebb and flow of the seasons creates a corresponding ebb and flow of breast visibility. At the University of Wisconsin and other northern universities possessing lengthy winters and a left-leaning, socially liberal student body, the recent preponderance of breast displays has brought student traffic to near-gridlock, with heterosexual males and both closeted and out lesbians gawking at the near-unbelievable levels of mammarian visibility.

Although most agree that the natural power of the female breast needs no improvement, some women are using technology to further their breast goals. Northwestern University sophomore Heather Bain, a self-described B-cup with aspirations toward the C range, plans to covertly employ a "Miracle Bra," a new, highly technical device that utilizes cutting-edge "padding technology" to make the breasts appear a full cup size larger. The "Wonder Bra," a similar device, uses equally high-tech wire to compress the breasts forcibly, producing greatly increased "cleavage."

Experts are not surprised by the students' breast enhancement efforts, as spring frequently brings about a heightened air of sexual tension.

"From ancient Mesopotamian societies all the way to today's college campus settings, young people have frequently paid increased attention to sexual matters with the onset of warm weather," University of Minnesota sociology professor Jane Simonson says. "I myself, though no spring chicken, have initiated numerous illicit affairs with strapping young students of mine, both male and female, though I am well past my prime breeding years."

Lesbian student organizations agreed.

"Although we are deeply opposed to the systematic sexual objectification of women and their breasts by male heterodoxy, we lesbians are in a uniquely two-fold position of strength in these wondrous springtime months, enjoying both the opportunity to display our fantastic breasts to others, and the chance to enjoy an eyeful of the breasts of our fellow sisters," says Meghan Thomas of Lesbian Students for Social Change.

Spotting a lithe, tube-topped, female rollerblader speeding along nearby, she bit her knuckles, adding, "Wow!"

_____________________

Hey Martha

Friday, April 17, 1998

Dorks of the world, unite!

ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) -- Hundreds of self-confessed geeks planned to congregate in an Albany pub Friday night to celebrate "Geek Pride Day" by swapping tech talk and doing a little geek networking.

Dress is casual. Pocket-protectors are recommended.

The special day and festivities are the brainchild of Tim McEachern, head of a Web design company who believes it's time for geeks to come out the cubicle.

"There's a real pent-up desire to come forward. You get the feeling that geeks are feeling downtrodden," he said. "All they want to do is have some fun."

The theme of the meeting is "I'm a geek ... and that's OK." Activities include a game of "pin-the-subpoena-on-Bill-Gates" and a "stump the geek" contest. A sample question: "Who devised the use of punch cards to operate computers?"

The festivities were promoted -- how else? -- over the Web. McEachern also publicized the geek-fest over his local public radio show "Geek Nation." He said he has gotten hundreds of e-mail responses from people planning to attend. Dancing was not recommended.