Daily Dose - 990317 - quickies, truck driver, convent, IRISH EDUCATION AUTHORITY, two pigs, bad suit, topless sunbather, The Onion, Hey Martha
Happy St Patrick's Day everybody !!
Greetings to all the new addressees, this time from Wafra. We'll try to send these from the Wafra office while I'm away, until the server gags and spits any back at me. Please continue any correspondence to my Hotmail address for the indefinite future, and note the new E-mail addresses for back up. Everyone needs at least 4 E-mail addresses these days (sound like one of the jokes?).
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Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
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The good news is that DiMaggio is finally reunited with Marilyn Monroe...
The bad news is that he caught her with JFK.
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Q. How many Microsoft phone help technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Please hold, your call is important to us
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What is the difference between ooooh and aaaaaaaaahhh?
About 3 inches.
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Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
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Courtesy of Terry in Kuwait
Randy was an 18-wheel truck driver that had just recently broken up with his wife after finding her in bed with his best friend. Randy just finished his dinner at a truck stop when in walked his ex-wife and his ex-best friend.
Randy wasn't happy at the sight, but decided he was going to show them he didn't care that his wife left him, so he turns to his ex-friend and says, "So, how do you like that old, worn-out, USED pussy?"
His friend responds, "It's pretty good, once you get past the USED part."
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I was on my way home last night, when I found myself behind a car with the license plate "NT GURU". I figured the car would just stop working with no warning, or turn blue and crash violently. I quickly passed him.
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Shit!"
Bad Skydiver: "Shit!!" "Whack!!"
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flatuence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.
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The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'".
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And now - in honour of St Patrick's day (today)....A few from John in Qatar
IRISH EDUCATION AUTHORITY
GENERAL CERTIFICATE OF EDUCATION EXAMINATION
Time allowed 3 weeks
Candidates Name in Full..................................................................
.10 Marks
1. What is the language spoken by Frenchmen?
2. What is the time when the big hands on the 12 and the little hand on the 1?
3. Approximately how many Commandments was Moses given?
4. Who invented Stevenson's Rocket?
5. Six kings of England were all called George. The last one was called George VI. What were the other five called?
6. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? Yes or No.
7. Who was buried at Grants Tomb?
8. Where is the basement in a 3 story building?
8. What instrument did Phil the Fluter play?
10.Who is the odd man out; The Pope, Cardinal Heenan, The Archbishop of Canterbury, or Jack the Ripper?
11.Write down the numbers form One to Ten (marks will be deducted for numbers out of order)
12.Who built the Great Pyramids: MacAlpines, Wimpey, Paddy O'Shaughnessy, The Pharaohs?
13.At what time is the "Nine o'clock News broadcast?
14.In the 1973 Irish Sheep dog Trials, how many dogs were found guilty?
15.Either explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium Forces or write you fathers family name in block capitols.
16.Who won the Second World War? Who came second?
17.Name the winner of the 1983 Greyhound derby
18.What is a silver dollar made of?
19.What religion is the Pope: Jewish, Anglican, Catholic?
20.Captain Cook sailed around the world three times. during one of these journeys he died. Which one?
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Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ole mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig??
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell em apart".
"Ah tat'll be grand" says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with only one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will av an ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears, and only one fookin tail".
"Ah tat'd be grand", says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL EM APART!!!!!!!!!!?"
"Ah fook it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."
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When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother-in-law?
New Recruit: Call for backup!
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George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless.
The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that George's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George's wife in the act of performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to George, "Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night.
George replies, "Ha ha ha. Liar! I wasn't home last night.
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The Onion (satire)
Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After" Burrito
PURCHASE, NY--Hot on the heels of last week's FDA approval, on Monday PepsiCo subsidiary Taco Bell launched its controversial "morning after" burrito, a zesty, Mexican-style entree that prevents unwanted pregnancies if ingested within 36 hours following intercourse.
Developed by a team of top Taco Bell gynecologists, the $1.99 "ContraceptiMelt" burrito creates an inhospitable environment within the womb, causing fertilized ovum tissue to be flushed from the body.
Also available are ContraceptiMelt Supremes, featuring sour cream and extra cheese.
Taco Bell officials are excited about the offering. "In the past, before Roe v. Wade, young women literally had to 'make a run for the border' to terminate an unwanted pregnancy," Taco Bell public relations director Grant Lesko said. "But now, women can make that same run for the border at over 7,300 convenient locations right in their own hometowns."
Possible side effects of the new birth-control snack item include weight gain, stomach upset and gas, the same as with all other Taco Bell products.
"The new ContraceptiMelt is a safe, effective alternative to traditional forms of birth control that must be administered before intercourse," Lesko said. "Plus, it's delicious."
Customers who wish to purchase a ContraceptiMelt will be required to meet briefly for consultation with a registered Taco Bell counselor/cashier. The counselor will ring up the customer's order and collect money for it, then provide change, before being allowed to administer the ContraceptiMelt.
Additionally, a five- to ten-minute waiting period may be necessary during high-volume "busy periods" in the restaurant, depending on the length of the line.
"Late afternoon, like 3 p.m., is usually a good time to come in," said Gerry Frankel, an Arlington, VA, Taco Bell counselor/cashier.
While the new burrito is legal and available in all 50 states, parental-consent laws in 37 states require minors who wish to purchase the ContraceptiMelt to obtain permission from a parent or legal guardian--unless they order a side of Cinnamon Crisps and a large beverage.
Taco Bell vice-president of product research and development Marvin Sekuler expects the new product to be tremendously successful.
"All of our test marketing and demographic research indicates that among 14- to 22-year-old females, there is great demand for a quick, relatively painless termination of unwanted pregnancy via spontaneously induced rejection of fertilized, pre-fetal tissue from the uterine canal," Sekuler said. "Plus, 14- to 22-year-olds love delicious, Mexican-style fast-food products. We're thrilled that our newest menu item can meet both these important needs in a lip-smacking, tasty way."
While he hopes that many young women will purchase the new burrito, Sekuler stressed that the decision to terminate a pregnancy is an individual one.
"We are in no way advocating any particular view on this most sensitive of issues," he said. "We simply want to offer this option. And, of course, we fully respect our customers who decide to carry their babies to term. In fact, I'd like to point out that Taco Bell offers a wide variety of non-contraceptive menu items that can provide the crucial nutrients--such as mild sauce, shredded cheddar and beef--that a growing fetus needs to develop properly."
Sekuler noted that every pregnacy terminated by the Taco Bell ContraceptiMelt comes with a special guarantee.
"If any one of our customers becomes pregnant after consuming our new burrito, the Taco Bell Corporation will, guaranteed, hire that person to work for us at $6.25 per hour," he said. "Taco Bell's competitive, above-minimum-wage salaries; flexible schedules; and fun, team-oriented atmosphere make it the ideal place for a young, single mother, enabling her to provide for herself and her children with uninsured subsistence living."
Pending FDA approval, Taco Bell plans to follow up the ContraceptiMelt with the RU-486 MexiCarriage Deluxe. Already legal in France, the MexiCarriage Deluxe costs $1.59 if purchased during the first MexiMester, $1.79 during the second and $1.99 during the third.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, March 18, 1998
Man arrested for failing to pay up after marathon eating binge
TOKYO (AP) -- Taking advantage of the customary Japanese aversion to confrontation, an unemployed Japanese man with no money spent three consecutive days and nights eating at a 24-hour restaurant, police said Tuesday.
Sakae Watanabe, 46, was arrested when he did not pay the bill, said Masahiro Furiya, a police spokesman in Kofu, 110 kilometres west of Tokyo.
Watanabe allegedly ordered 20 dishes worth a total of almost $180 Cdn. during his stay in a Royal Host restaurant from early Friday through Sunday morning. He was arrested after trying to sneak out during an argument between other customers, the spokesman said.
The restaurant's manager said that while the staff thought the man's refusal to leave was "weird," they were unable to do anything as long as he sat quietly at his table, the newspaper Asahi reported.