Daily Dose - 990316 - Jewish Genie, Revenge of the blondes, Advantages of Older Women, Garden of Hedon, How to tell if you're getting old, good news and bad news, The Onion, Hey Martha
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But, this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes.
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams. "
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arabsays: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women. "
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for, there may be a string attached.
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Revenge of the blondes :
1.What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
2.What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
3.What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it.
4.Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ? So brunettes can remember them.
5.What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
6.What's a brunette's mating call? " Has the blonde left yet? "
7.Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
8.Why is the brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
9.What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation
10.What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage
11.Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price
12.Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.
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A sign seen on a breast augmentation clinic:
"WE FIX FLATS."
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Advantages of older women
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to screw you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
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As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy. "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"
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(The editor profusely apologises for this terribly insensitive and racist one in advance)
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.
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When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
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How to tell if you're getting old:
Dialing long-distance wears you out.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
You get winded playing games on the computer.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Almost everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You can't stand all those damn stupid people who are intolerant.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than for romantic ones.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions anymore.
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After submitting to X rays, electrocardiograms and blood tests, the anxious patient waited for the doctor's opinion.
"Howard," the physician began, "I have good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"My son has been accepted to the Harvard School of Medicine."
"And the bad news?"
"You're going to pay for it."
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The Onion (satire)
General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags
DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1998, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1999 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1999 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXIII in Florida. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1999, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"
"It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!"
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1999 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, March 03, 1998
Poor penmanship a deficit for bank robber
PEARL RIVER, N.Y. (AP) -- In a scene straight out of a Woody Allen movie, an attempted bank robbery was foiled when a teller and her colleagues couldn't make out the writing on the robber's note.
By the time they and other clerks finally figured out that "I've got a gun" was part of the message, the robber -- disguised with a plastic bag over his head -- apparently became unnerved and left without saying a word or showing a weapon.
The comedy played out Monday at the Marine Midland Bank office in Pearl River, 25 kilometres north of New York City.
Police said the teller didn't immediately react to the plastic bag the man was wearing because she thought he might have a skin problem or a burn.
In the 1968 movie Take the Money and Run, the bungling Allen character fails at bank robbery when a literal-minded teller points out that his stickup note spells gun "gub."