Daily Dose - 990315 - toughest golf foursome, Italian Mothers, Nixon's Disease, Hooked on Ebonics, robbed, hairless, bowel movements, The Onion, Hey Martha

Did you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
Monica Lewinski...OJ Simpson...Ted Kennedy...& Bill Clinton
Why???
Monica is a hooker... OJ is a slicer... Kennedy can't drive over water...& Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.

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Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa my boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa my boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"
The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa my boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"

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Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.
He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?" After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.
Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says "What?"
He again responds "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."

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Hooked On Ebonics

LeRoy is a 20 year old 5th grader. This is LeRoy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I'll have no money forclose.

2. Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.

3. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel told everybody.

4. Disappointment
My parole officer tol'me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

6. Israel
Alonza try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,"Bullshit, that watch israel".

7. Catacomb
Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody oughta give that catacomb.

8. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the appartment undermine.

9. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

10. Iraq
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

11. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan to stain for dinner?"

12. Seldom
My cousin gave me tickets to the nicks game, so I seldom.

13. Honor
At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, "Who was honor first?"

14. Odyssey
I tol' my brother, "You odyssey see the tits on the ho!"

15. Axe
The policeman want to axe me some questions.

16. Fortify
I axed this ho, "how much?" she say "fortify."

17. Income
I just got in bed wit da ho an' income my wife.

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Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.
"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans.
"If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"

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Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

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A young boy's parents had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the boy at the door, that his parents had forgotten something.
"Please, Mrs. Anderson," said the boy, "may I look at your dining room rug?"
The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jon-Mark. Come right in."
The lad gazed at the rug for several minutes. Then he turned to its owner: "It doesn't make me sick," he said.

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A guy from the deep south moves to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements.
As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds?"
"And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap... see the fish eyes and the rice in it?"
"And this next one is surely from a queer."
The hick asks, "How can you tell it was from a queer?"
The inspector answers, "Well see: It's dented on one end!"

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The Onion (satire)

Shi'ite Terrorists Cross County Line

TANNER COUNTY, GA--A pair of Islamic Shi'ite terrorists, wanted in connection with a string of airport bombings dating back to 1983, broke out of Tanner County Jail Monday, escaping justice by crossing the county line, sources close to the sheriff said.

Cousins Ahmad and Gamel Farouk, longtime Hezbollah members and internationally wanted terrorists, are believed to be hiding out in neighboring Calhoun County, beyond the jurisdiction of Tanner County authorities.

"We'll never get 'em now," said Deputy Clem Pickett, who fell asleep while guarding the Islamic extremists and woke up tied to his chair. "Once somebody crosses that county line, it's over."

"Them boys done hijacked that Pan Am Flight 140 and killed 11 passengers back in '92," Sheriff Buford Colfax said. "That ain't right."

At 2 p.m., Colfax received an emergency CB transmission reporting that Ahmad and Gamel Farouk had escaped from jail and were headed for the county line in their souped-up Mustang, the affectionately nicknamed "General Habib."

Colfax then chased the Islamic fundamentalists to Crooked Creek. "I thought I had them trapped there," he said. "After all, everyone knows that ever since the bridge washed out in the big flood there's been no way to get across Crooked Creek."

The Shi'ites, however, were not deterred by the missing bridge. Using nearby road construction as a makeshift ramp, the pair jumped all the way across the creek. Stunned by their bold move, Colfax drove into the creek, wrecking his car and soaking himself and his lethargic bloodhound, Willie.

Witnesses said that Colfax then crawled out from under his overturned police cruiser and threw his hat to the ground, shouting, "Ooh, them Shi'ites!"

After landing on the far side of Crooked Creek, the Shi'ites easily penetrated a county-line roadblock set up by the sheriff's department by driving the General Habib on two wheels, squeezing through a gap between two parked patrol cars. Deputies gave chase, but were forced to stop upon reaching the sign for Calhoun County.

In a statement from his compound in Beirut, Hezbollah leader Mahmoud al-Aziz praised the two fugitive terrorists. "Allah straightens the curves, and in his might, hills are made flat. Sooner will the mountain catch the Farouk boys than the law."

Ever since the escape, federal anti-terrorist agents have been working closely with Sheriff Colfax on a plan to lure the Farouks back to Tanner County. Though details of the plan have been kept a secret, it is widely believed to involve the planting of a fake treasure map that purports to lead to a stash of machine guns, plastic explosives and more than 40 million dinar buried behind Old Man Potter's place.

Tanner County law officers are also preparing for any potential tricks the terrorists may play on them. In 1995, Deputy Pickett almost caught the two Islamic fundamentalists, but lost them when Fatma al-Qaawi, the pair's sexy cousin, clad in a skimpy outfit of cutoff jeans and a knotted, midriff-revealing blouse, asked him to help her fix her broken truck. She then distracted Pickett by bending over the radiator while the General Habib drove off behind him.

"Them Farouk boys won't be so lucky this time," Pickett said. "Maybe they can get away with this stuff over and over again with the Israelis, but we won't fall for it here in Tanner County."

Calhoun County Sheriff Duane Parsons could not be reached for comment, as he was cleaning hay and chickens out of his car after chasing the Shi'ites through an abandoned barn.

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Hey Martha (true)

Friday, March 13, 1998

Chastity has its rewards

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) -- Chastity could soon have its rewards for Missourians.

Two state lawmakers have proposed a $1,000 bonus from the state treasury for newlyweds who are 21 and willing to swear that they had no prior marriages, out-of-wedlock children, sexually transmitted diseases or abortions.

The bill would restore "fault" in divorce proceedings, including a $1,000 penalty payable the spouse responsible for breaking up a marriage.

"We need to reward marriage, and reward people who do it right," said the lead sponsor, Republican state Rep. Pat Kelley.

The bill, which may go nowhere because of its late introduction in the session that ends May 15, also would mandate that 16-year-old residents must sign a form stating they have been told about the state policy on marriage and the $1,000 bonus.

Kelley estimated that his bill would ost Missouri's treasury about $20 million a year and give out $100 million in tax credits.

"It certainly seems like an awful lot of government involvement -- right down to your sex life," Democratic state Rep. Chuck Graham said.