Daily Dose - 990314 - Hillary Clinton's Question, Polish Phone call, card shop, house painting, genie snake, interesting fact, obscene phonecall, bra, Surgery bloopers, The Onion, Hey Martha

Hillary Clinton's Question........
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question......... "Will I be acquitted?"

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A blonde goes into a world-wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money... but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.
Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

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At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

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One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.
"It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?"
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."

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A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"
The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"
The cowboy thought for a minute...then said "A million dollars in the bank."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the world."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like MY horse."
The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.
The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him.
He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.
So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom.
Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry.
"Dammit, I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!"

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I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.

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It is reported that an IBM Service rep received the following call:
"I tried to install your product and it failed miserably. I inserted disk #1 and it worked fine. It then asked me to insert disk #2 into the drive, it took some doing but it worked. The program then asked for disk #3. Now I don't know what you people are thinking, but if you are going to use more then two diskettes in an installation, please send along a drive expander so that we can insert more than two disks into the drive at the same time."

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Interesting Fact:

If all the Spice Girls CDs sold so far were laid end-to-end, it would be pretty easy to run them over with my car.

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A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it.
"Hello?"

A deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you."

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies, "Wow. You can really tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

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After traveling a few blocks Miss Bigtits realized she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said.
The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."
"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars."

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More Things Your Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
Ya' know...there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

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The Onion (satire)

Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper

Here's a little dog-bites-man tale we couldn't resist! Except replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally violate"!

Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had "claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!

"It was horrible, just horrible," sobbed an eyewitness. Guess she sure got an eyeful!

The bear, named "Barry," attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat, goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!

Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened next--Barry began to brutally rape zookeeper Gilks!

Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing down," and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was mistaking him for his "honey"!

Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in! Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!

And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks, whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)

Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!

"I have worked with dangerous animals before," zoo director Kate Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!

Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital--but at least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!"

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, March 12, 1998

Getting nosy about sex

Smell researchers find aromas that lead to amour

By RASHIDA DHOOMA -- Sun News

TORONTO -- Looking for scentsational sex? Try dousing yourself in lavender and smearing pumpkin pie all over your body.

Or overdose on Good and Plenty licorice candy (called Goodies in Canada) and cucumber, and for good measure, roll around in baby powder.

These old-fashioned, homey scents send blood rushing to all the right spots and turns you into a passionate sex kitten, says a Chicago researcher, who released his study yesterday.

After studying the relationship between sex and smell, the team headed by Dr. Alan Hirsh of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation say they've sniffed out the aromas that pave the road to romance.

Thirty women aged 30 were involved in the study, The Effects Of Odors On Female Sexual Arousal, which was presented to the American Psychosomatic Society national meeting yesterday.

An earlier study of men revealed similar findings, says Hirsh.

Both studies were done to assist research into smells that could enhance arousal in people with sexual problems.

Between 23% and 50% of women have sexual-arousal disorders or are unable to reach orgasm, he says.

"In the previous study we found that stuff like fancy perfumes and scents had about as much appeal for men as roadkill," says Hirsh, "But those good old-fashioned smells, wow, things really looked up with that."

Combinations like lavender and pumpkin pie, doughnut and black licorice, and pumpkin pie and doughnut sent those thermostats soaring.

If food smells worked for men, could they stir passion in women too, Hirsch wondered?

He tested 30 women wearing masks injected with single and combination smells.

Was Hirsch surprised by the results?

"The answer is no when I consider that it's a matter of evolution that because the smells worked for one sex, they should work for the other."