Daily Dose - 990313 - names, parrot, Children's Property Laws, Dennis Miller's advice, kitchen sink, crows, prayers, The Onion, Hey Martha

At a government affair, the wives of four world leaders are chatting about how people refer to a penis in their countries.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
With great resignation, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

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Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?"
Smitty says, "I want to get laid."
So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.
After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and in to the room.
There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers. Harry says, "Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"
Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude."

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Children's Property Laws

1) If I like it, it's mine.
2) If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3) If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4) If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5) If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6) If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7) If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8) If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9) If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10) If it's broken, it's yours
11) If I ...

Whoops, Sorry - I goofed. Instead of reading the Children's Property Laws, I've been reading Microsoft's Current Business Plan.

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DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE ON WHAT MEN WANT

I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom,
Julia Child in the kitchen,
Hazel around the house,
Lesley Visser during a game,
Mary Poppins for the children,
Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
Mary Richards at work,
Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
Gertrude Stein in conversation the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade,
and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.

So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex".

Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes

Here's what men want from women. One through Ten

ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it.
TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't talk.
THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?
FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the fifty-seventh time?
FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single.
SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.
EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean consommé instead of the bowl of lima bean consommé from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
NINE- Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?"
TEN- Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in awhile?

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT

Nowadays it seems like they want... other women. No, uhh... some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man.
Let's see, the myth is that women want
Brad Pitt in the bedroom,
Brad Pitt in the kitchen,
Brad Pitt around the house,
Brad Pitt during a game,
Brad Pitt when they're sick,
Brad Pitt in conversation,
the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as life-givers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare, and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at say... Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl.
FIVE- This is very important During lovemaking Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the day what women want is this equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are.
Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?
---- Ernie's House Of Whoop Ass

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"Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a Big Mac?"
When she answers "no..." tell her,
"How about lunch tomorrow then?"

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Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"
Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says. "Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink".
So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?"

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It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting theirs lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat.
Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to poop on. (Those nasty birds!) The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys.
Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three. The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.
So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are impressed! Where do you learn to poop on people like that?"
The little one said, "I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer."

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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married!' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory! You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

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One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

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The Onion (satire)

AIDS Awareness Campaign Spreads Awareness, AIDS

BOSTON--With new AIDS cases on the decline for the fourth straight year and the disease in danger of losing millions of dollars in federal research funds, a group of concerned activists took to the streets of Boston Sunday to stress the importance of contracting AIDS.

"We've worked tirelessly for over 15 years to convince the government that AIDS research funding is vital," said Steve Hobart, an AIDS Now! spokesperson. "But now, with AIDS on the decline, that's all in jeopardy. The only way to raise awareness of this deadly disease is to have more people die of it."

For the past six months, the New York-based activists have been traveling across the country, visiting college campuses and youth groups, spreading information about unsafe sex, and encouraging people to infect others with the virus.

They have also passed out pamphlets sporting such slogans as, "AIDS Is Cool," "HIV Me!" and "Catch It!" to more than 500,000 young people nationwide. Attractive, racially diverse models in sexy poses adorn the pamphlets.

According to Hobart, if AIDS cases continue to decline at the current rate, America's once-booming $9 billion AIDS industry could suffer a total collapse by 1999.

"The AIDS industry employs hundreds of thousands of people, from benefit organizers to celebrity spokespersons to administrative staffers," Hobart said. "Many of these people have families to feed. If AIDS is stamped out, what will these people do?"

"The key," Hobart said, "is to have lots of unprotected sex."

According to AIDS Now! co-founder Diane Forsberg, if federal AIDS monies dry up, hundreds of top graphic designers who create fashionable AIDS awareness buttons, posters and pamphlets would also be out of work. "Who else will hire them? The breast-cancer people? The breast-cancer industry is strapped for funding as it is," Forsberg said.

"And what about Bette Midler?" Forsberg said. "Where will she go when there are no more celebrity AIDS Walks?"

Forsberg said that her group needs to raise $50,000 every year just for the manufacture and distribution of red ribbons. "The only way we can pay for those is if more people start dying of AIDS in large numbers," she said.

Though hardest-hit by the decline of AIDS has been the AIDS industry itself, others have been affected as well. Profits at Petersen Pharmaceuticals, an Englewood, NJ-based manufacturer of AZT, were down 44 percent last year, a figure company officials blame on the decline in new AIDS cases.

The entertainment industry has not escaped unharmed, either. ABC reported record-low ratings for A Mother's Wish, a May '97 made-for-TV drama starring Judith Light about a boy who contracts the disease. "Had we put out that movie five years ago," ABC vice-president of programming Bob Iyer said, "it would have done huge numbers."

In the wake of last week's Center For Disease Control announcement that AIDS cases dropped 21 percent in 1996, Paramount Pictures announced it was shelving Lifeline, a $25 million AIDS drama starring Diane Keaton already in pre-production.

But for all the negative economic impact the decline of AIDS has had, ultimately it is the members of the AIDS community themselves who are hurt the most.

"You have to understand," Hobart said, "for years, this disease has brought people together, and given them a place to go. For many of these people, AIDS campaigning has been a vital self-esteem-building tool. And now they're in danger of having all of that taken away."

"Just a few years ago, there were AIDS benefits every weekend," said Forsberg, recalling the disease's golden age. "Now, you're lucky if there's a 5K run once a month. It's very sad."

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, March 11, 1998

Car thief identifies himself

AIKEN, S.C. (AP) -- When Kelvin Floyd stole a car and removed its identification number, he replaced it with one he would easily remember -- his Social Security number.

Floyd was sentenced Monday to two months in prison and fined $500 for running an illegal "chop shop," where stolen cars were taken apart for parts.

He was arrested last August after a stolen racing engine was tracked to his house, deputy prosecutor Lawrence Brown said. Floyd ground the identification number off the engine and replaced it with his Social Security number, and it was easily traced to him.

Floyd's attorney pleaded for leniency, saying Floyd helped authorities track other stolen goods. Judge Ralph Epps gave Floyd a five-year sentence but suspended most of the prison time.