Daily Dose - 990310 - formality, What a woman says, Frosty the Hit Man, Nick the prick, fun signs, DNA test, Tony Wright, Hey Diddle Diddle, The Onion, Hey Martha

today's Daily Dose dedicated to Keith - finally escaping Kuwait today (Happy Birthday Darrell)

A young man said to his girlfriend's father,
"I realize that this is only a formality,...
but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"

"Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" asked the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician!" replied the young man.

______________________

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

_______________________

"Frosty the Hit-Man"

Frosty the hit man
was a evil, psycho soul,
with an Uzi and some frag grenades,
and a heart as black as coal.

Frosty the hit man
was a fairy tale they say.
He was made of snow, but the children know how he blew them all away.
There must have been some magic
in those bullets that they found.
For when they put them in his gun
he began to mow them down.

Oh Frosty the hit man
was as real as he could be.
So he said, "you run, and I'll have some fun!
I'll give you 'till the count of three!"

He chased them down the streets of town
right to a traffic cop.
And murdered him in cold blood
when he heard him screaming, "STOP!"

Frosty the hit man
had to run and get away.
So he waved good-bye, shouting "Run and hide!
I'll be back again, someday!"

___________________

Nick the prick had a forty ft. dick
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake,
and now it's only four ft. four.

____________________

FUNNY SIGNS

- On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van-Cincinnati area
"A flush beats a full house!"

- This is what is on a sign at a little restaurant.
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

- I have a neighbor, a urologist, with his license plate
"NOPCME" (no p c me)

- In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection"

- Ohio Road Sign Prosperity 30 mi -> <- Clinton 70 mi

- Actually seen hanging in a gas station several years ago:
Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite.
If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.
(If you don't get it, repeat it slowly)

- Advertisement for a radiator repair shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak".

- In the key west internationl airport's souvenier store
"unattended children will be sold into slavery"

- In the bathroom of a mom and pop store
"we aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

- Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI:
PUSH, if it doesn't open,
PULL, if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

________________________

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

_______________________

This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night for a capital crime.
He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity.
His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"
"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"
"I understand, go take a bath. I'll get supper ready for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?"
He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal.
Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION."
She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.
She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"

______________________

Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
and shriveled
and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like
A balloon.

___________________

The Onion (true)

White House Closed For $30 Million Renovation Of Warren G. Harding Presidential Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite

WASHINGTON, DC--The White House was closed Monday to allow for a two-week, $30 million restoration and refurbishment of the 76-year-old Warren G. Harding Memorial Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite.

"The time has come for the White House's sexual wish-fulfillment facilities to enter the 21st century," White House press secretary Mike McCurry said of the improvements to the historic pleasure room, built by the Harding Administration in 1921 at a then-unheard-of cost of $173,000. "We must make these changes if we are to continue to meet the sexual demands of the nation's president and his advisors, and to fulfill the lurid fantasies and carnal desires of high-ranking foreign dignitaries who visit the United States."

As part of the $30 million plan, the room's outdated hot-pink shag-carpet wall covering and heart-shaped bed will be removed. Also slated for removal are the dilapidated vibrating love-harness, ceiling-mounted butterfly fuck swing, and spring-loaded dildo-attachment bench and pony saddle, which dates back to the Coolidge Administration.

Installed in their place will be a state-of-the-art open-sided shower and tilted whirlpool; a high-tech wireless digital camcorder and playback system; hyper-realistic artificial love dolls with functional oral, vaginal and anal orifices; rotating, neon-lighted cocaine mirrors; a 10-sided bed with extra-secure restraining straps; amyl-nitrate facemasks; and a total-immersion virtual-reality helmet.

Due to the large number of people who have learned the secret location of the Harding sex suite over the years, its sliding panel and rotating bookcase entry-way will also be revamped. Though designers could not, for obvious reasons, reveal much about the new passageway to the hidden sex-chamber, White House building supervisor Karl Hamburg did say that it would involve "pulling a hidden lever and sliding down a pole."

The Warren G. Harding Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite has not been renovated since 1975, when President Ford installed red-white-and-blue marbleized mirrored tiling from floor to ceiling for the '76 Bicentennial. It has been used by every president since Harding as a discrete, zero-consequence environment for sexual abandon, with the possible exception of Jimmy Carter, whom many believe was never told of its existence.

Prior to the current change, the room underwent its most expensive overhaul in 1967, when President Lyndon Johnson temporarily converted it into an Apollo VII "Space Odyssey" fantasy suite, complete with an oversized "moon crater" hot tub and zero-gravity bed, at an estimated cost of $7.5 million.

Though some have called the $30 million price tag for the current renovations excessive, many Washington power players are defending the decision to allocate funding.

"I've had the pleasure of utilizing the facility several times during visits to the White House," U.S. Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) said. "But as great a place as it is, you get two or three blondes in a room that size and you're scrambling for elbow room. Then, once everybody starts really going at it, the place fills up with body heat so fast it can be hard to catch your breath."

"These expenditures, however costly, are certainly justified," said former Secretary of State George Shultz, a frequent visitor to the room between 1982 and 1988. "Some things you can't put a price tag on."

Among the more notable foreign leaders who have enjoyed the suite over the years: Paul von Hindenburg, Neville Chamberlain, Nikita Khrushchev, and, in a rare Arab-Israeli orgy, Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat, who in 1979 celebrated the successful conclusion of peace talks at Camp David by holding a four-way with a pair of D.C.-area strippers.

_______________________

Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, March 10, 1998

Man flattens his own house

SISSONVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- A man ordered to sell his hand-built home and share the profits with his estranged wife hated the idea so much, police say, that he got a giant piece of machinery and flattened the house.

Darrell Carpenter is accused of driving a front-end loader through his two-story home Monday, leaving nothing but a pile of rubble. Police arrested him while he was still sitting on the front-end loader, said Kanawha County Sheriff's Lt. J.S. Johnson. He didn't know who owned the machinery.

Police said a judge ordered the couple to sell the house and share the profits.

Carpenter, who built the house five years ago, apparently had other ideas. Police say he was drunk.

"The house was totally destroyed. That was the biggest thing I have ever seen. It looked like a tornado blew through the place," Johnson said.

Carpenter was charged with public intoxication. Prosecutor Bill Fores said today he is recommending additional charges, including driving while intoxicated and destroying personal property.

"Well, it was his house," Johnson said. "I guess if he wants to drive an end loader through it, he can." But Forbes said the property destruction count referred to the wife's share of the house.