Daily Dose - 990309 - grey hair, Snow White, A dollar per point, generic drugs, Generals, Genesis, FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY, The Onion, Hey Martha

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"It's really amazing," the girl told her wealthy middle-aged lover, as he was relining on the bed. "You have a beautiful head of gray hair, but not a single one in your pubic area."
"Not so amazing as you might think." he replied. "My brain has to do all the worrying. 'That Guy' hasn't got a care in the world."

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Warning - Not for the easily offended

Snow White - NOT the Disney Version

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left ,she turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!"
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

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All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
So what's the generic name for Viagra?
Answer = Mycoxafailin

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A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
"I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." replied the blond.
"Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop.
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

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Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

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The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. (Something Congress came up with!) The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis to my balls."
The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your balls?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."

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An teacher asked her class to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story and as she moved around the class there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across one small boy who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed.
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
The young artist seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the Bible that . . . God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

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FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1.Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2.A day without sunshine is like, night
3.On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21.Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31.For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33.Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34.No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35.Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36.The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37.The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38.The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43.Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44.The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45.The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47.Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48.Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49.Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50.Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53.Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54.If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Texans Elect Gun

AUSTIN, TX--In a landslide decision, the people of Texas elected a .44-caliber revolver to the U.S. Senate Tuesday.

The victory marks the first ever for a handgun in a federal election.

"It gives me great pleasure to know that the people of the Republic of Texas will be represented in Washington by such a well-crafted firearm," Texas Gov. George W. Bush said at the gun's victory celebration. "I am confident that, with the tremendous stopping power of its .44 Magnum caliber, this handgun will strongly defend Texans' interests on Capitol Hill."

Taking 87 percent of the popular vote, the El Paso-based gun handily defeated Democratic opponent Karl Janssen, who ran on a platform of guaranteed child care, increased education spending, and tax incentives for small businesses. The gun's campaign focused on its deep nickel plating, the smooth action of its finely machined cylinder, and the crisp, positive pull of its trigger.

Showing remarkable political savvy for a first-time candidate, the gun took an impressive 71 percent of the women's vote by prominently displaying its elegant pearl grips and well-tooled leather holster throughout the campaign.

Though the gun was unavailable for comment on its decisive victory, Andrew Lawford, campaign director for Gun '97, issued a brief press release stating that the gun was "humbled by the honor of representing the people of Texas on Capitol Hill, and would do its best to maintain its policy of being a double-action centerfire pistol, the sort of good, honest firearm which has served Texans so proudly in the past."

In his statement, Lawford also thanked the many groups that endorsed the gun, including the Sam Houston Society, Citizens For An Independent Texas and the National Rifle Association.

Supporters cited a variety of reasons for voting for the weapon.

"I have the deepest respect for Mr. Janssen," said George Remnick, a 47-year-old hardware-store owner from Corpus Christi. "He was well-informed on important Texas issues, had some good ideas concerning tax restructuring, and gave me the impression of being a tough but fair-minded person. But when I saw the gun's well-machined action and nickel-plated, six-inch barrel, I just thought to myself, 'Which one of these candidates do I want representing me on Capitol Hill?'"

"Honesty, integrity, independence: This gun stands for the same things that I and so many other Texans do," said Jack Tyler, a San Antonio marketing consultant. "And, to be honest, those are values I don't see a whole lot of politicians possessing nowadays. What it came down to for me was a sense that, unlike Mr. Janssen, this gun is a good, old-fashioned, God-fearing American, the kind I can identify with."

Tyler said the fact that the gun's ancestors fought at the Alamo and fired on Pancho Villa "certainly didn't hurt."

"It's about time we had some strong representation in Washington, the kind of tough legislator who's not afraid of a fight," said Edward Wilson, owner of Skyydancer's, a Dallas-area gentlemen's club. "This gun sends a strong message to the people of the U.S.: Don't Mess With Texas."

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, March 09, 1998

Fishermen's wives in Russia upset by salaries paid in vodka

MOSCOW (AP) -- Fishermen at one company in the Russian Far East are literally drinking-up their paychecks and their wives want to put an end to it.

The Preobrazhensk Trawler Fleet in Vladivostok is paying fishermen in vodka instead of cash and their wives have accused the company of "deliberately addicting" the men to alcohol, the Interfax news agency reported Sunday.

In an open letter received by Interfax, the wives said trawlers put out to sea with drunken crews. They said accidents are increasing.

Many cash-strapped Russian firms pay workers in goods instead of money.

The fishermen's wives say they can't afford to buy fruit, vegetables or even bread.

The average life span of Russian men is 58, and habitual vodka drinking is cited as one of the main reasons.