Daily Dose - 990308 - impressions, pregnant, Daer Diary, condom machine, football coach, clitoris licking frog, divorce, David Copperfield, The Onion, Hey Martha

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her, he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to a rapturous applause...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in a checked shirt, and bib overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

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Britain's Prince Charles launched his own Internet website Tuesday and invited websurfers around the world to send him messages and comments. "But for me, the highlight was definitely the Interactive Cut and Paste Camilla Parker-Bowles Head On Other Women's Naked Bodies game." (Jim Rosenberg)

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The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn't say who was responsible. "All right!" bellowed her Mother, "you march yourself to your room, and don't come out until you can give us a definite answer."

Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. "Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now."

"I should hope so!" the Mother responded. "The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father."

"Chill Mom." the girl said. "I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team."

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DEAR DIARY

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his her... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.

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I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it...
Underneath someone had scrawled...
'.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!'

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A college football coach had recruited a talented player who couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office. "Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?"

The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, "I think it's 49."

Suddenly the coach jumped up. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"

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A women walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."
She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come about about the clitoris licking frog."
"Oui madame," the man says.

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"What grounds do you think you have?" asked the attorney whom the woman was consulting about a divorce.
"My husband keeps bringing his work home with him night after night!" exclaimed the client.
"But that's hardly grounds for divorce," smiled the attorney. "Why, I do that myself."
"Sure, I can see a man doing it if he's a lawyer," snapped the woman, "but my husband's a pimp."

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David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your beautiful wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, .......but it's fucking magic to me . "

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Supreme Court Rules Tennesseeans Are Sentient Beings

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--In a victory for advocates of states' rights, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 yesterday that Tennessee citizens are sentient beings with a capacity to make certain decisions for themselves.

Chief Justice William Rehnquist, writing the Court's majority opinion, stated that, "The absence of higher forms of cognitive thinking skills on a statewide level does not preclude the application of the individual liberties guaranteed in the First Amendment to the residents of that state, no matter how strong the evidence is toward their collective lack of intelligence."

The landmark decision, which experts say will forever alter the definition of a living organism south of the Mason-Dixon line, is based on the highly controversial McCardle v. Bratton case.

In 1993, Boone, TN resident James "Bud" McCardle, a thrice-divorced, unemployed father of 11, was declared a "non-sentient being" by a Boone County judge after leaving his 2-year-old daughter in a car for eight hours while he attended an all-day NASCAR funny car time trial.

In his decision, Boone County Judge Ernest G. Tubbs defined sentience as "the ability to perform certain basic functions, such as feeding oneself and avoiding falling off bridges," a definition McCardle failed to pass. McCardle was one of several thousand gap-toothed Tennesseeans arrested that year for a "profound and utter lack of brains," sparking a nationwide debate over the collective sentience of the state of Tennessee.

Among the evidence cited to demonstrate the non-sentience of Tennessee: Opryland USA and Dollywood theme parks; its extreme proximity to similar cultural backwaters Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia; and the state's dead-last ranking among U.S. states in citizens-to-books ratio (70,000:1).

Argued Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor in her statement yesterday: "Mr. McCardle and the other countless Tennesseeans who exhibit no sign of cerebral activity are sentient solely by virtue of the blood flow to the brain, regardless of the frequency and quality of activity with which the said brain happens to be engaged."

O'Connor did qualify her remarks, adding: "Exceptions to this rule are the many Tennesseeans who continue to argue against evolution theory and its place in the state's public schools, despite its firmly established place among the natural sciences for more than 150 years."

Four members of the Court, led by Justice David Souter, dissented from the majority. Referring to the legal tenet of "implicit non-applicability," Souter noted that, "The Founding Fathers clearly never intended the Bill of Rights to be applied to the chromosomal dumpsite that is the Volunteer State."

Dana Hughes of the American Civil Liberties Union lauded today's decision as "a recognition that government officials must not be allowed to overly encroach on family matters, even families of profoundly stupid Southern morons."

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, March 05, 1998

Al Nino gets some calls

NIPOMO, Calif. (AP) -- El Nino's been taking the blame for a lot of ugly weather. So has Al Nino.

Alfonso Nino -- listed in the phone book as Al Nino -- has fielded a few calls from people who for some reason think a weather phenomenon would have a telephone.

Nino (pronounced NEE-no) was awakened at 2 a.m. recently by an enraged, foul-mouth woman complaining about the weather. The retired Navy man replied in suitable nautical language and hung up.

"It's happened at least a half-dozen times -- all phone calls," Nino said. "It's always something like, 'Why are you doing this?' And I say, 'Well, I didn't really have nothing else to do. I thought maybe it would be kind of fun.' I usually joke around with them a bit."

The 74-year-old Nino is one of several Californians whose first name is a variation on the theme. There's Albert, Alfred and Alfredo. There's also Eleazar, Elpidia and Eliseo. And there's all those listings for L. Nino.

Eliseo Nino, 62, a retired San Gabriel teacher, has had the vanity auto license plate "L NINO" since 1970.

"I do wonder sometimes what they think when I drive by," he said. "I saw one lady pointing."