Daily Dose - 990307 - vulgar joke, bump on his head, rocking chair, fixing the light, dragons, car trouble, pun, The Onion, Hey Martha

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

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A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
"Don't worry about a thing, nurse," the doctor assured her. "He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

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An elderly Mr. Steinberg and the widow Joyce Cohen were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.
Mr. Steinberg, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."
Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
Mr. Steinberg says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a "GE" logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right," to which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, He sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, ""Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooooooo........Do you see BettyCrocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."

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A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest." said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest." said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground." said the youngest daughter.

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At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Johnny with a cat up his pants. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the mailman tell my Mummy "I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

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A young woman experienced some car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and began to hoist the car up on the truck, and then the two of them took the car back to the old mans' garage. There he looked at the engine and made an estimate of one hundred dollars, which was more than she had.
"Darn, I'm just one hundred dollars short of cash....if you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd screw you for the remainder of the bill."
"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted, "Take off that dress and get on the car."
She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!
"Oh boy!" she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get screwed out of my brains."
Then she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his pecker.
"Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked.
"Hell," the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"

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Building Superintendent Cal was met in his building's courtyard by his very irate ex-wife. She got directly in his face and screamed at him about the alimony being late again, and accused him of spending the money in frivolous ways. Cal said nothing the whole time, merely turning up his nose in apparent disgust.
By this time nearly everyone in the apartment building was standing on their porches and balconies, watching the scene in the courtyard. Suddenly, Cal put a hand over his mouth and nose and collapsed in a faint.
One man, arriving home shortly after this, asked his neighbor what was going on. The neighbor said, "Our super, Cal, is frivolous; his ex has halitosis."

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Panhandler's Strike Enters Third Week

City officials reacted with panic Tuesday as Milwaukee's panhandlers announced their intentions to continue striking if their demands are not met immediately. The strike was called in response to recent layoffs, and in part to protest working conditions and benefits packages that fail to meet industry standards, according to a press release distributed by the Panhandling People's Union 382. Union local co-presidents Spare Change Guy and Crazed Vietnam Vet Guy have asked union members to remain at their customary posts, but not to solicit spare coins until an accord has been reached. Teetering Man could not be reached for comment as of press time.

Ramifications of the strike may reach beyond the domain of the downtown area panhandlers. Milwaukee's Babbling Street Loon Union 347 is threatening a solidarity strike if the Panhandler's demands are not met. They plan to stage a series of "silent days" beginning next Monday.

The panhandlers' demands include decreased dues, health club membership, a more comprehensive dental plan and perhaps most controversial, profit sharing in the city's fountains and wishing wells.

The reactions of city officials were immediate but varied, ranging from a desire for swift diplomatic resolution to threats of National Guard involvement if public begging did not resume at the earliest possible time. Mayoral response showed a moderate stance common in an election year, emphasizing cooperation between all parties, and pointing out the lack of any existing contract between the city and its begging population. Although the mayor expressed his reluctance to bring in scab bums from neighboring communities, he claimed that the terms, which include setting aside a parcel of local real estate as a tribal homeland, were unreasonable in light of current economic realities. "Of course I'd like to see the groveling continue. We all would," the Mayor John Norquist told reporters, "but when you see how much better off the bums already are than, say, our traveling minstrel community, the social imparity becomes obvious."

Reaction from citizenry has been mixed. Operators of local businesses were concerned that the ambience of outdoor mall shopping might suffer from the absence of filthy beggars. Parents worry about the effects of the strike on their children, many of whose esteem is built mocking the bums.

College students worry that their only real-life look at abject poverty might disappear, taking with it a vital part of their social frame of reference. Local activists have thrown their considerable might behind the cause, announcing a march, candlelight vigil and pancake breakfast triathlon of protest. And economists blanch at the thought of the situation deteriorating to the point where local bums are forced to actively seek other employment, unsure whether the area's already weak economy could stand the strain.

But the picket lines around local streetcorners and backlot dumpsters have continued. Slogans formed of long strings of vowels can be heard ringing in the streets, and signs emblazoned with the "One, two, three, four, no change because I quit," and "No more coins--I used to be in special forces" are being waved aloft, prompting us all to choose sides.

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, March 04, 1998

Parlez-vous stick 'em up?

By MARIA McCLINTOCK -- Ottawa Sun

A would-be bank bandit's bid turned to bust when a francophone teller couldn't read his English robbery note.

The hapless thief handed a teller at the CIBC's Gatineau branch a note demanding cash. But the clerk didn't understand the note.

As the nervous thief waited for his proceeds, she passed the note to her co-workers to be translated.

The red-faced robber fled empty-handed to a waiting taxi, and asked to be driven back across the Ottawa River.

Once in Ottawa, he told the driver to return to Hull.

When they got to Hull, the suspicious taxi driver demanded to be paid, but his passenger said he didn't have any money.

The taxi driver then called police.

As a result of their probe, Gatineau police charged Andre Steven Pietsiculis, 27, in connection with a hold up at a Bank of Nova Scotia on Feb. 24 and a robbery at a CIBC on Feb. 27.