Daily Dose - 990306 - On the 6th day, ATMs, condoms, underwear change, sad man at bar, hospital chart, few outrageous fortunes, The Onion, Hey Martha

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On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the friendliest people on the Earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!"

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ATMs

For Him
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

For Her
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in first
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 kilometres
41. Release hand brake

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A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The clerk says, "What size?"
The guy says, "Gee, I don't know."
The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium." The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerk asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large."
The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
The clerk says, "What size?"
The kid embarassedly says,
"I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4; she grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

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The old geezer was watching television when he screamed, "Mother, git in here right now. You won't believe the perverted thing they're showing on TV."
His wife walked in, took one look, then said, "Put your glasses on, you old goat. That's just Castro eating a banana."

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The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."

The troops started cheering at the news.

"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

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Sad man at a bar

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

The bartender said, "That should make you happy."

The man sadly shook his head and said, "Not when the month is up today!"

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Spelling and grammar errors found on chart review at a hospital on the east coast

· The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
· The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
· Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
· The skin was moist and dry.
· Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
· The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
· She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
· Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
· The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
· I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
· The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
· Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
· Patient was alert and unresponsive.
· When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
· The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
· Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
· Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
· She is numb from her toes down.
· Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
· While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
· The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
· The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
· Coming from Detroit, this man has no children

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A Teacher sends to me:

One of my students pulled this one on me years ago. It was so good that I couldn't discipline him.
Sometimes the students chose their own topics for writing. Sometimes they had a list from which I wanted them to choose. Whatever the case at the time, one student asked to write about his summer vacation. I told him that would be fine.
He wrote a lovely paper about going to the coast and getting a summer job on a fishing boat. He described how, without any skills, he was still able to obtain work as a "bait boy" on the boat. It was his job to make sure the bait was provided, cut up, if necessary, and even put on the hooks if the customers wanted him to do that. He did well, was given more responsibilities, and advanced quickly in the job. By the summer, he had done so well that he was made . . . "master baiter."

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A FEW OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNES
By Jonathan P. Bernick

Politicians invariably think that the laws of nature can be overruled by a two-thirds majority voice vote.
I was into the "grunge" look years before it became popular. Back then, though, it was called "being a slob."
I seek only to serve humanity-preferably in a nice white wine sauce.
In the last presidential election I had intended to vote for the conservative candidate. It would have been nice if one were running.
Always kick a man when he's down. Otherwise, he might get back up again.
Whenever I suspect the human race of developing the slightest shred of intelligence, I read Clinton's latest popularity poll and realize that my fears are unfounded.
Is a crypto-facist a Nazi with PGP?
If I had an "inner child" I'd put the brat up for adoption.
Any God who could create both sex and quantum mechanics has a sense of humor.
Whenever surveys are done as to what women want from a man, topping the list is "a sense of humor." I suspect they say this because "buns you could break a 2x4 on" sounds unladylike.
Democracy is not a spectator sport.
To us, it's "roadkill;" to the crows, it's "meals on wheels."
I am in favor of unnatural childbirth. I believe that the circumstances of the birth should match those of the conception.
A lot of people are hoping that Newt Gingrich will run for president.
They're called "Democrats."
Newspapers are written to be read. Academic papers are written to be written.
Diplomacy is a vital tool of statecraft. In the past, when two nations had a disagreement, they would settle their differences in a time-honored manner; namely, each nation would construct an army, one side would pound the other flat, and the winners would do pretty much what they wanted to the losers. With minor variations this system has endured to this day, particularly in the Balkans and the Middle East. In a few parts of the world, though (mostly the ones where changes of government are accomplished by ballot box rather than cartridge box), it is considered unfashionable for nation A to simply force nation B to do what A wants; A must first try to bribe, blackmail, or bamboozle B into conforming to A's will. The means by which A does this is diplomacy.
Support humane research-vivisect an animal-rights activist.
When life gives you lemons, throw them at the serene bastards who tell you to make lemonade.
Government in, government out.

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Nine Drawn And Quartered At Out-Of-Hand Renaissance Fair

RICHMOND, VA--Nine people were torn limb-from-limb and skewered through the anus with wooden stakes Monday at the annual Richmond Renaissance Fair.

Organizers boasted that the new "Drawn and Quartered" demonstration made this year's fair one of the most authentic and enjoyable ever.

"The skit where we publicly tortured and humiliated 'condemned heretics' gave us by far the most response we've ever gotten," actor Paul Mitchard said. "Who would have thought that violence would appeal to people?"

In the skit, people were randomly selected from the audience, strung up on posts, and read official "charges." A dirt-encrusted dagger was then used to saw off vital parts of the condemned. One man's scrotum was cut off, causing his testicles to fall to the ground. Children in the audience then tossed the testicles back and forth as the victim watched.

Participating audience members then had their livers cut out, cooked, and force-fed to them. The pale and barely conscious victims were then taken down from their posts and prepared for the next stage of their torture amid taunts and bellows from the crowd.

"I loved it," said University of Virginia junior Steve Ohlemeyer, who attended the fair for the first time Monday. "It was like being transported back to the real Renaissance. I got turkey drumsticks at the Ye Olde Grille, threw stones at the Drench-A-Wench booth, and I even got to see a heretic forced to eat his own kidney."

Said Richmond-area elementary-school teacher Linda Rougas: "It was a lot of fun. They picked my husband out of the crowd, and he thought it was a real kick. When they eviscerated him, he really got into it, screaming and begging for his life. So, of course, the kids and I did our part, too, yelling 'Heretic!' along with the rest of the crowd."

After more than an hour of torture, participants had their arms and legs tied to four horses, each of which was made to pull in a different direction. After the volunteers' limbs were torn off, the remaining disembodied, helpless torsos were fed to packs of ravenous dogs.

The victims' highly realistic, historically accurate screams of agony captivated fairgoers.

"I thought it was wonderful," said Herman Kline, who attended the fair with his wife and three children. "I enjoyed taunting the condemned, and my children enjoyed playing with the testicles."

One lucky fair attendee, Mel Bridgeman of Norfolk, VA, got to be the subject of a special demonstration. Bridgeman was tied up and laid on his back spread-eagled, his legs held apart by a short beam roped to a horse. A long wooden stake was then braced against a rock and inserted just a few inches into his anus. When the horse was given a snap from the whip, it bolted, causing Bridgeman to be driven onto the stake until it thrust out of his mouth.

Though most everyone thought the fair was the most successful ever, several family members of the killed were not so enthusiastic.

"My husband and I came to the fair as part of our honeymoon," Richmond native Jacklyn Welden said. "When he was stabbed through the heart for blaspheming the Pope, the fair suddenly wasn't quite so much fun."

"Yea, we try to give people a merry ol' time, we do," fair director Todd Burgher said. "Ye can bet yer knickers we'll be doing it again next year."

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Hey Martha

Monday, March 02, 1998

Seoul subway begins broadcasting anti-groping warning

SEOUL (AP) -- Passengers waiting for a subway train in downtown Seoul were warned Monday against committing "unpleasant acts repulsive to other riders."

Spitting on the platform? Smoking in a subway car? No -- groping.

Violent crimes are relatively rare in South Korea, but groping -- ranging from a man rubbing up against a woman to thrusting a hand under her clothing -- is common in crowded areas.

Seventy-five per cent of women who responded to a recent questionnaire on the issue reported run-ins with gropers on subways and nearly 98 per cent said anti-groping warnings were necessary.

At the urging of women's groups, the Seoul Metropolitan Subway Corp. began broadcasting the warnings Monday -- but only after toning them down to avoid offending men.

"The warning is kind of vague, but it is better than nothing," said Kim Jung-ah, a 23-year-old nurse who has had run-ins with gropers.

A law passed in 1994 makes groping on subways a crime. But there have been few convictions because most women fail to report encounters with gropers out of shame.