Daily Dose - 990303 - pesticide, Perfect Day, nursing home, 5 kinds of sex, bum, girsl track team, outhouse, LAPD, The Onion, Hey Martha

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her ass and I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms with PESTICIDE on it!"

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Q: What is 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
A: Bo Derek getting older.

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Courtesy of John in Qatar

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER:

08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 5kgs lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ and croissants
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and style
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 20kgs
13:00 3 Dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:30 Make love
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:

06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blowjob
06:30 Massive shit while reading sports section of the Daily Mirror
07:00 Breakfast, Bacon and eggs, toast and coffee
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Six pack of the finest brew enroute to the airport
08:15 Private chopper to championship golf course
09:45 Front nine (2 under the card)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 beers
12:15 Back nine (4 under the card)
14:15 Limo back to airport, more beers
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female topless crew
16:00 Land world record light tackle Marlin (1249lbs)
17:00 Lear jet back, massage & hand job by naked model
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch newsflash: Blair resigns
19:30 Dinner, Lobster, appetizers, Grange (1963)
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partages cigar
21:30 Sex with three women
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
23:45 Bed (alone)
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep

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Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great! "I put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!"

"Is that right?" said Ethel. "Well, then, I'm going to try that tonight!"

That evening, while Ethel's husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she takes off all her clothes. And although it's a struggle, she manages to get one leg up and behind her head. With some effort, she finally gets the other leg behind her head as well. No sooner has she accomplished this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells "For God's sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

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5 Kinds of sex!!

1)The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2)The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you' ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3)The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4)The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
5)There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

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A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids to help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championships and are favored to win the national competition easily.
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What?" the coach says in a panic, "how far down does the hair go?"
She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the second thing I wanted to talk to you about."

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Stascz and Janos went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Stascz has to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excuses himself.
Janos waits for Stascz. And waits, and waits. Finally, he looks inside and sees Stascz stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick. "Stascz, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the shit?" he yells.
"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains. "It's the one my momma gave me."
Janos shakes his head. "You're crazy-you not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"
"Hell no," Stascz assures him, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury

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The Onion (satire)

Just Kidding November 18, 1998

Experts Predict On-Line World Of 21st Century To Feature More Breasts

PALO ALTO, CA--Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual International CyberTechnology Summit at Stanford University this past weekend to discuss the future of the Internet. And that future, they say, will be graced with an ever-increasing quantity of naked breasts.

Despite differing on many Internet issues, all attendees were united in one basic belief: The Internet is a revolution in communications that will radically alter the way we access and view breasts in the 21st century. "The company that controls computerized pictures of naked breasts," said Marc Andreessen, Netscape senior vice-president of technology, "is the company that will control the next century."

Netscape, whose Navigator is currently the world's most popular breast-server program, is in a position to be that company. But Microsoft, with its recent $5.1 billion purchase of the Hustler Archives, is mounting a strong challenge.

"The Hustler Archives, with their high-resolution pictures of over 50 million pairs of breasts, is the largest catalog of digitized mammaries in existence," said Nicholas Negroponte, head of the famed MIT Breast Lab. "In the future, anyone who wants to see breasts--assuming, of course, they do not have access to real, live ones--may have to go through Bill Gates."

Added Negroponte: "Every single person in the world uses computers."

In attendance at the conference was Vice President Al Gore, who in his keynote speech said he someday foresees "a single, unified global computing community, in which men from as far off as New Zealand and Germany will be able to log onto their computers and masturbate silently in the dark to the same pair of breasts."

"This," Gore stressed, "is the exciting promise of the Information Age."

To compete with Microsoft, Netscape is currently developing BreastLink 8000, a state-of-the-art, fiber-optic downlink device which will one day meld the television, telephone and computer into a single breast-viewing device.

"BreastLink 8000 will be the center of every family home someday," Netscape CEO James Barksdale said. "It will make 72 dpi images of breasts obsolete, replacing them with supra-real photos and quick-time movies. Waiting several seconds for breast pictures to download on our clunky computers of today is simply barbaric."

Negroponte agreed with Barksdale: "Revolutionary. Computers. Internet. Future."

Educators present at the conference stressed the importance of keeping America's children on top of all the latest breast-viewing technology.

"Breasts will be a vital educational tool in the years to come," said Chicago-area elementary school teacher Pat Ross. "We must be careful that we don't fall so far behind that there becomes a 'breast gap' between children of the U.S. and those of other nations."

While the ripe, juicy, heaving bosoms of nubile females was the main focus of the technology summit, many in attendance promised a future bright with wonders beyond breasts.

"A cornucopia of bare, wet rumps; hot and horny lesbian action; and naked nympho sluts in various stages of auto-erotica await the computer user of the future," said Wired editor Phil Henson. "The flesh-sampling possibilities are virtually limitless. It's very exciting."

"What an extraordinary time to be a child," said Walter Lowery, of Phillips Magnavox's new BreastTV.

On-line breast viewing, or "the Internet," is currently a $20 billion a year enterprise.

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Hey Martha

Friday, February 27, 1998

No more edible underwear

HOUSTON (AP) -- A sex novelty shop has been forced to stop selling edible underwear because it doesn't have a food service license.

"It's so silly," said Myrtle Freeman, owner of Condoms & More.

A constituent complained about the store to City Councilman Robb Todd, who asked vice squad officers to visit. But police decided it didn't fit the criteria for regulation as a sexually oriented business.

So Todd sent city health inspectors to check whether Ms. Freeman had a license to sell the edible underwear. She didn't.

"It's just a little whatnot," Ms. Freeman said Thursday. "Everything I have in here is just for novelty only."

Ms. Freeman decided against paying a $200 annual permit fee and inspections by health officers to continue selling the merchandise. Had she kept the item, Ms. Freeman said the cost of the permit would almost justify making the underwear a little more appetizing.

"If we are going to go to all this trouble, I should at least heat them up," Freeman said. "If you want them fried or baked."