Daily Dose - 990302 - Investment Opportunities, Poetry, Necktie Affair, Flat Tire, Vasectomy, blind carpenter, Wrightisms, The Onion, Hey Martha
Have you heard about the three newest investment opportunities?
The Monica - no maturity
The Al Gore - no interest
The Bill Clinton - no principle
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Jack and Terry were talking one day in the company lunch room. Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women. He asked Terry, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret to finding women willing to go to bed. Terry said the secret was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for faggots. Terry disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him very successful with women.
Jack: " OK, I'll give it try. What should I say?"
Terry: "You need to say something about their hair, then compare their eyes to some animal, then explain to them the way you want to make love to them."
Jack: "Give me an example."
Terry: "Curly blond hair and eyes like a dove. I want to take you home and make sweet love."
Jack: "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."
The next day, as Terry walks into the company lunch room, he sees Jack. Jack's head is swollen & covered with bruises.
Terry: "What happened to you?"
Jack: "I tried your fuckin' poetry, that's what happened!"
Terry: "What did you say?"
Jack: "I took your advise, I said something about her hair, then compare her eyes to an animal, then explain to her the way I wanted to make love to her."
Terry: "And it didn't work?"
Jack: "Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."
Terry: "Let's hear your poem."
Jack: "Nappy haired bitch with eyes like a frog I wanna bend you over and fuck you like a dog."
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A Necktie Affair
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
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Changing a Flat Tire
This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.
"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job. It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.
Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks, "Aren't your ears cold?"
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The Vasectomy
Charlie wanted a new way of birth control and his doctor suggested vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.
At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie's testicles fell on the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels accidentally stepped on it and crushed. However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the operation.
A few weeks later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, this was Charlie's reply.
"Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Everytime we make love my wife gets heartburn, when I pee my eyes water, and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."
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A blind carpenter (BC) walks into a lumber mill and shouts out "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the BC and says "Your a BC, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The BC says "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the BC over to a table and says "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!"
The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest." Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!"
The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The BC takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. The BC then says "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the BC by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. (She agrees to do this because it helps the joke.) She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says "Ready!"
The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says "Ready!"
The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says "I got it, that's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job.
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A more few from Steven Wright
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said, "Oops..."
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child ... eventually.
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Little Sally came running in from school. "Mommy! Mommy! At show and tell, Billy showed us something that's six inches long, and has two nuts, and can make me very fat!"
Gasping, the woman said, "Sally! What on earth did he show you?"
The girl replied, "An Almond Joy!"
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It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"
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The Onion (satire)
November 18, 1998
An Open Letter From The Makers Of Olean To Our Valued Customers
Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder substance has at last been approved by the FDA, and is now on supermarket shelves: "Olean." This exciting new substance allows you to eat more of the foods you enjoy, without having to change your lifestyle one bit.
Imagine that, fat America, you gluttonous fucking pigs. Just imagine, you pink-faced, perfumed fat ladies who coyly sneak heaps of greased chips, creme candies and lard bars at work during your dead-end clerical jobs. You heaving, walrus-shaped dullards who scratch your sweaty testicles while sitting in front of the TV, lapping up cheese puffs, buttermilk, Double Stuf Oreos and caramel-covered popcorn. Yes, imagine the unimaginable, you bloated, artery-clogged idiots. You can celebrate our revolutionary food breakthrough in the manner which befits your disgusting existence--by stuffing your loathsome, wormy, gelatinous mouths until you burst. Without the risk of getting fatter.
I'm not even going to mention the benefits for all the young women who can now amply feed their societally induced neuroses about their body images. I'm just talking to you, fatties.
Does Olean have any side effects? You bet it does. Nutrient depletion, gastrointestinal upset, and uncontrollable diarrhea, just to name a few. That's right, watery shit is going to dribble down your log-like, oafish legs. But what do you care? What's one or two more repulsive personal traits to you? So just keep popping those Hostess Cupcakes in your mouth like they're Tic Tacs, you blimps.
Does it sound like I'm insulting you, you greasy, fat fucks? I suppose I am. But what are you going to do? Chase after me, huffing and puffing, for about six or eight yards before your arteries clog up and you have to stop? Or maybe you'll threaten to not eat my exciting new fat substitute? I doubt it. That would take self-control.
You have no choice! What else can you do but eat Olean? Eat a balanced diet? Walk to places instead of drive? Sound horrific? I'd better stop before you have a heart attack because you forgot to take your "I got so fat I'm going to die" medication.
Lastly, I thank you, you lard-asses, as I stand to profit handsomely from Olean, thanks to your laughable obesity. And to think I could have had a career in adolescent Leukemia research, scraping for grant money like a beggar. Ha! I laugh at not-for-profits now that I have been shown the true glory of The Market. Long live The Market! Long live fatties!
--Dr. Stuart Halcome, M.D.
Chief Food Scientist
Olean Development Team
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, February 25, 1998
Suds for the tub; German brewer offers bathing beer
NEUZELLE, Germany (AP) -- Can't afford a champagne bath? Tired of floral-scented bubbles? A German brewer has the answer: bathing beer.
The Kloster brewery in Neuzelle, 60 miles southeast of Berlin, plans to begin selling three-quart bottles of dark beer concentrate next month. Mixed with water, four bottles, at $22 each, are enough to fill the average 32-gallon tub.
The only difference between the beer concentrate and the normal drinking suds is that the yeast, normally filtered out, is left in, brewery owner Helmut Fritsche said Wednesday.
That makes the bath soothing to the skin and also a great treatment for eczema, he said.
"The usual foam baths are made of synthetic ingredients, while our beer is a purely natural product," he said. "You can bathe in it, or drink it. Whoever wants to can do both."
( who wants to pursue the franchising rights for Kuwait?)