Daily Dose - 990301 - Telecom Weirdness, secretary, Comedy Day Celebration jokes, Ed Zachery, nativity scene, mathematicians, The Onion, Hey Martha

Telecom Weirdness: Courtesy of Jim in Texas

It is common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).

When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron
chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling voltage.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating
on the ground.

4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems CAN be fixed by just pissing on them.

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

_____________________

Comedy Day Celebration Jokes

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.

Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in San Francisco.

These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:

Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"

Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.

Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Buzz Belmondo
It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before I give myself great pleasure....

Lank and Earl
Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 20,000 women.

Bruce Baum
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whooa, I'm way too high."

Mark Pitta
I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is more difficult.
I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter."

Mark Guido
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.
I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet. I hate those windmills.

Steve Kravitz
How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck.

Jim Samuels
I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift.
This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table.
Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a Pinata.
Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

Al Clethen
In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.'
LA is a real strange place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow.

Kevin Rooney
I have one of those real old American-built cars. The kind that just PUNCHES through accidents.

John ?????
You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."

Michael Prichard
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

Authors Unknown, but still funny
There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
You're a great crowd. No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob.

___________________

ED ZACHERY DISEASE

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.

So, she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to other side of room."

So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease...worse case I ever see... that why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr.Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

___________________

What are we going to call the next decade? Over the last 80 years it's been easy.... nineties, eighties etc. but the zeroies just doesn't have much of a ring to it.

Let me be the first to propose an obvious alternative: 'the naughties'.

___________________

A primary school was putting on the Christmas play with the full Mary, Joseph and wise men in a manger stuff. There was an argument between two boys (aged about 5 years) as to who was to be the Inn-Keeper and who was to be Joseph. The teacher said, "OK, I'll choose, you are Joseph and you are the Inn-Keeper. No arguments about it now."

Come the night of the play...

[Scene: Mary and Joseph and donkey arrive at Inn]

Joseph: We are looking for a room for the night. May we stay?

Inn-Keeper: She can stay, you can fuck off.

[I was just told this by one of the people who work here... It would be unfair to reveal the name of the school.]

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Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, VT--The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.

"'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire!" Edney told the neighbors and members of the news media who had gathered to watch the plucky little gent in his latest misadventure. "I think it started in the gare-age! Please, ring up the fire brigade, me wife and baby grandchild are in 'ere!"

The native population of England, known as the "British," are diverse in class and income, but the most lovable of all is the Cockney, a lower-class Londoner. Known as a drinker and carouser, and frequently out of work, the Cockney greets the world with a smile and a saucy wink, for he knows that life is but an elaborate charade.

That irreverent yet exuberant attitude was well evident as Edney ran about on his stout little legs and waved his stumpy arms frantically.

"Oh, God, 'elp me!" Edney shouted to his neighbors, who couldn't help but chuckle at Edney's beet-red expression. "Edna and the li'l lad is in 'at 'ouse! For the love of God, I'm begging you! 'Ey're goin' t'die in 'ere if somebody don't come 'elp!"

"He's just so cute!" said Harriet Gustafson, one of many charmed neighbors. "He has a little ruddy face and wears his little tweed cap cocked to one side. Just like Andy Capp!"

Not surprisingly, Edney's newfound American friends sometimes have a bit of trouble understanding just what the funny fellow is saying. Just last week, Edney complained to his landlord that the "telly" that came with his "bed-sit" sometimes shot off "sparks" and at one point caused his "drapes" to "smolder."

"I still can't figure out what he meant," shrugged Delmore Properties president Jim Delmore. "He just talks so crazy!"

But even if he doesn't always make himself understood, Edney's hardly one to let that stop him: "'Ere, give us a 'and with this 'ose! No, the 'ose, the 'ose! Oh, dear God, the smoke is just too thick! Oh, poor Edna! And li'l Timmy! 'Elp! Fire! For the love of God--firemen, please 'urry!"

"Look at him," neighbor Nancy Marcus cooed. "With his face all covered in soot and ash, he looks just like one of those chimneysweeps from Mary Poppins!"

But, as always, Edney is ever ready with a snappy answer. "'Elp! 'Urry! You sodding, rotten, bloody, uncaring bastards! Rot, I say! Rot in 'ell, the whole bloody stinkin' lot of you!"

___________________

Hey Martha

The Ice Storms of 1998 bring out the best in people...

Friday, January 16, 1998

Woman steps up to bat for family generator

ALFRED, Ont. (CP) -- Nicole Bertrand is known for going to bat for her family. But this week, the feisty 43-year-old mother went a step further when she used a bat to beat off someone trying to steal her family's precious generator.

"I guess when it comes to my kids I won't stop at anything to protect them," Bertrand said. "I was so mad I just didn't care about what I was doing."

The thief struck while family members were out guarding other generators around Alfred. A night earlier, her husband Ernie had chased another prowler into the woods.

"It's just too much," she said of the thefts in the township, about 50 kilometres northwest of Ottawa.

"They (thieves) can steal during the good days, but not during a crisis."

That's why the unsuspecting thief who eyed her family's new generator got a good lickin' instead of the prized unit Tuesday night.

Bertrand was purposely staying up in her La-Z-Boy chair when she saw her two dogs dash after a stranger in the snow.

Without a moment's hesitation she grabbed the bat by her door and raced out after the fleeing man as she shouted a string of choice words. She soon found the cowering crook lying by a nearby tree and gave him "three or four" good whacks with the bat before the thug bolted deeper into the woods.

"I can swing but I'm not much of a runner," Bertrand said.

She admits to being worried the man is still at large, but quickly adds she is not afraid.

Bertrand's husband Ernie has nothing but praise for his wife's sweet swing. "She's great," he says.