Daily Dose - 990228 - We apologise, Baby, Clinton at the Pearly Gates, farmer's son, Church Bulletins, More Darwin nominees, The Onion, Hey Martha

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We apologize

Although crime seems to be the best paid profession in South Africa at the moment, it is still not as sophisticated as in some of the other parts of the world. A gentleman based in Bogota, Colombia, tells the story of a fellow American whose new Mercedes Benz was stolen off the street. The next day, he received a phone call demanding a $10,000 ransom. On the advice of his insurers, he paid up, and the robbers duly left his car where he could find it.
The next day they phoned again, saying that because he had paid so promptly, his car was "insured" against theft for a full year. A week later, however, his Merc was gone again. The same thieves phoned to demand $10,000.
"But it's not fair," protested the victim. "You stole my car before and promised it wouldn't happen again for 12 months." After first protesting that this was impossible, the caller promised to check, and the victim could hear computer keys over the phone. Finally, the caller was back on the line, full of apologies, and told the victim where his Merc could be found. When he got there, the American found not only his car, but also a bottle of French Champagne on the front seat, as well as a card apologizing for the mistake and the inconvenience.

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A woman was giving birth to a baby, and the mid-wife was standing there ready for when the baby came out.
The baby pops his head out, looks at the mid-wife and says "Are you my daddy?".
The mid-wife says, "No, I'm not your daddy" and the baby pulls his head back inside. The mid-wife calls the doctor over to see what's going on.
The baby pops his head out, looks at the doctor and says "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not your daddy" says the doctor, and the baby pulls his head back in again.
The doctor calls the father over to have a look. The father puts his head down, the baby pops his out and says "Are you my daddy?"
"Yes" says the father, "I'm your daddy".
The baby knocks his fist against the father's forehead and says, "Fuckin' hurts, doesn't it?"

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Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"'It's me, Bill Clinton."
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

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The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

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THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS.

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3 Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing: "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the minister in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
6. The services will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Jusius Belser.

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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

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More Darwin Award Nominees

GIMME A LIGHT!

Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.

Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...

A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer.

He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I, AM, LET ME HAVE IT!"

Needless to say, God delivered well, wouldn't you? The other two passengers on * the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire to some fireworks.

Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank.

Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.

Oklahoma City:

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer.

Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.

Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off."

The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there."

The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Secretary Of State Makes Diplomatic Visit To Totally Fucked-Up Country

MOGADISHU, SOMALIA--Secretary of State Madeleine Albright arrived in Mogadishu Monday, beginning a four-day diplomatic visit to the totally fucked-up nation of Somalia.

"The ravages of civil war have taken a terrible toll on Somalia, claiming the lives of more than 500,000 people since 1995," said Albright in an address before the United Somali Congress. "Another 300,000 Somalis have died of disease and hunger. Your nation is truly up shit creek."

Albright called for an increase in U.N. funds for resettlement of the nearly two million Somali refugees displaced by political unrest. She also pledged $800 million in U.S. aid for food and medical supplies, though she acknowledged that it would make little difference in a country so profoundly under the shithammer.

"Somalia is fragmented under the control of a dozen rival clan-based ruling factions, each with its own military force," Albright said. "The resultant internal fighting, compounded by perpetual border tension with Ethiopia, makes it difficult to establish the kind of stability necessary for sustained, substantive economic development."

Added Albright: "Christ, this place is fucked."

In addition to pledging $800 million in aid, Albright said the U.S. will finally restore economic ties severed in 1989 due to human-rights violations committed by the now-deposed Siad Barre government.

"By driving out the corrupt Siad Barre regime, Somalia has shown a commitment to reform," Albright said. "Steps are being taken to establish a climate in which democracy and free-market capitalism can take root. But despite such progress, we must not lose sight of the fact that this nation is in such a shitstorm of trouble, it is unlikely ever to happen. I mean, there's fucked, and then there's total, reamed-up-the-ass, fucked-in-half fucked."

Albright's visit included a tour along the only paved road in Somalia. The road runs from Berbera in the north to Mogadishu, and then down to Chisimayu, a city Albright said is all the way in the shitter.

"The U.N. classifies Somalia as a developing nation," Albright said. "Well, I didn't see very much developing going on in Chisimayu. You don't even want to know where these people go to the bathroom. I practically fucking puked."

U.S. political experts say Albright's assessment of the situation is on target.

"Right now, three different men claim to be ruling Somalia," said Dr. James Knox, a Yale University African Studies professor specializing in the insane shit going on in the Gulf of Aden region. "A clan chief in Northern Somalia has proclaimed independence and leads a government in Hargeysa, while another clan chief, Hussein Aideed, recently nominated himself president of the Somali National Alliance. Then there's Ali Mahdi Muhammad, who presides over the United Somali Congress. Could you imagine if that kind of fucked-up shit went on in America?"

Environmental factors have exacerbated the plight of Somalia, which has been hit by crippling droughts and massive flooding. Earlier this year, the Jubba River in southern Somalia flooded, causing massive crop devastation and leaving hundreds of thousands unbelievably fucked.

"The factors responsible for the chaos in Somalia are complex and varied," Knox said, "but whatever the cause, one thing is clear: This East African nation of nine million is taking it in the ass, big-time. And as far as I can tell, there's pretty much not a chance in hell they'll be able to un-fuck themselves anytime soon."

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Hey Martha (true)

1998 was another wacky year By CRAIG WONG -- Canadian Press

Maybe it was the strange weather. Or perhaps the approach of a new millennium.

Whatever it was, something had Canadians acting just a little strange in 1998 -- sometimes with fatal consequences.

Leading the pack was a 39-year-old Manitoba man who startled the medical community by choking to death in a Winnipeg hotel room after biting calluses off his feet.
"This really makes you wonder about human nature," said Jim Hull, spokesman for the chief medical examiner.

Almost as baffling was the 32-year-old thief who took off in a stolen plane from the airport in St. Andrews, Man. Problem was he didn't know how to land it.
After four failed attempts to land in St. Andrews, he ended up flying to Winnipeg and crash landing. Police arrested him there.
"We never thought anyone would steal an airplane -- especially someone who doesn't know how to fly," said the plane's owner.

Two robbers in Toronto weren't quite so dumb -- but they were among the kinder crooks of 1998.
Shortly after holding up a bank, the manager caught up with them on a city street. He told them that along with the bank's money, they had stolen some of his as well.
The thieves gave back the money, then returned to the bank and waited for police.

But Paul Karalekas wasn't going to let a bank manager tell him what to do.
The Ottawa restaurateur sued and won $1,765 after a Canada Trust branch failed to show for dinner. The branch had reserved a table for 30 people but no one arrived.
A judge ruled the reservations were a binding contract and ordered Canada Trust to pay up.

For a Calgary teenager, 1998 will be the year he found his faith in God.
During an argument about religion, Josh Rempel had told his mother "may God strike me down with lightning" to show his non-belief.
The next day, Rempel was struck by lightning.
"I believe in a higher being now," the 16-year-old said. "I was spared."

It took something slightly less dramatic for Maritimers looking for proof of God.
About 4,000 people showed up one evening at a doughnut shop in Cape Breton to view what they believed was the face of Jesus Christ on the side of the building.
In Riverview, N.B., dozens of believers claimed to be able to see the face of the Virgin Mary through the weathered paint of a pizza billboard.

While many might have wondered if Riverview residents were living on another planet, a man in southwestern Ontario actually spearheaded a campaign to name a newly merged town Mars! -- exclamation point included.
In the end, resident Mac McKenzie failed and South Bruce Peninsula became the new name of the community after a referendum. But Mars! finished third, beating both Bruce Portage and Rankin Crossing.

In nearby Walkerton, Ont., Bill Reuber was charged with importing guided missile components bought at a Ohio flea market. The lasers were supposedly used to direct missiles and artillery shells to their targets.
The charges were thrown out after the Crown failed to prove the lasers were part of a missile system as the U.S. military had claimed.

A Grade 1 student in Stoney Creek, Ont., wasn't as lucky. The six-year-old girl was suspended from school for three days for refusing to do her homework.
A letter to her parents explained the punishment was for "conduct injurious to the moral tone of the school."

And, finally, while the warm start to the Christmas season this year slowed retail sales across the country, Canadian Tire stopped selling one product altogether.
The chain pulled from its shelves a battery-powered Santa that sang Christmas songs -- trouble was, they were obscene versions of the popular tunes.