Daily Dose - 990224 - Stupid People, Gravity Kills, Mr. President, 58 Actual Newspaper Headlines, Dear Ms. Cameron, asserting himself, Jesus and Satan, The Onion, Hey Martha

I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

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I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

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1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

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GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.

Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.

"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.

Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

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Mr. President, I am a 13 year old boy and I totally support you. My mom and dad are always picking on me for lying. Since you have taught me it's okay to lie as long as you say you're sorry, I have become quite good at it, and can get away with it more than I ever thought I could. When I get caught, just say I'm sorry. But my teacher bugs me and brings up George Washington. I'm so glad he's not our leader. He's not cool like you. Also, my girlfriend says she wants to be a virgin when she gets married. I told her that doing what Monica did isn't sex and is OK - even the President says so. Now I'm getting oral sex from her all the time.

Your theory even makes sense to her little sister. I told her like you said. That this is private nobody's business, and told of what happened to you when Monica told. I wish all those evil mean people would stop criticizing you so much. They don't understand all you've done for us children. You have made our lives a real joy. Like the other day when me and my buds were smoking pot and got caught, all we had to say is we didn't inhale, and our principal, who lucky for us, voted for you, let us go. I thought you would like to know that you sure taught us how to have fun, Mr. President!

After hearing about what you and Monica did, me and my 3 older friends talked six girls into your idea that they were not having sex by doing what Monica did to you. Then we each took a turn on the phone talking to their father. Man, you would have been proud of us. Please never resign Mr. President. We have never had such a cool role model in our lives before. Tell Chelsea she is lucky to have an understanding dad and mom.

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58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `89
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

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Courtesy of Jim in Austin

Dear Mr. Cameron: As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote your 15 year old daughter in response to a query we received from her.

Dear Ms. Cameron.
Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment.
In answer to your first question: In every picture existent of your father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from December until March--hardly the entire school year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.
I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open.
As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times: the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship," "Ecology," and one which apparently was called "Relevance." We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation.
Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China Syndrome.
Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary.
One thing IS completely verifiable: Your father's name is, indeed, carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers. The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to whether his name is upon it.
Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.

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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?' they asked as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in four you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything-meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate and this time use chrome. "
"Why chrome?" asks the patient. to which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

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Q. Why do Mormons object so strongly to pre-marital sex?

A. They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.

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A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

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Jesus and Satan have an discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

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The Onion

Experts Predict On-Line World Of 21st Century To Feature More Breasts

PALO ALTO, CA--Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual International CyberTechnology Summit at Stanford University this past weekend to discuss the future of the Internet. And that future, they say, will be graced with an ever-increasing quantity of naked breasts.

Despite differing on many Internet issues, all attendees were united in one basic belief: The Internet is a revolution in communications that will radically alter the way we access and view breasts in the 21st century. "The company that controls computerized pictures of naked breasts," said Marc Andreessen, Netscape senior vice-president of technology, "is the company that will control the next century."

Netscape, whose Navigator is currently the world's most popular breast-server program, is in a position to be that company. But Microsoft, with its recent $5.1 billion purchase of the Hustler Archives, is mounting a strong challenge.

"The Hustler Archives, with their high-resolution pictures of over 50 million pairs of breasts, is the largest catalog of digitized mammaries in existence," said Nicholas Negroponte, head of the famed MIT Breast Lab. "In the future, anyone who wants to see breasts--assuming, of course, they do not have access to real, live ones--may have to go through Bill Gates."

Added Negroponte: "Every single person in the world uses computers."

In attendance at the conference was Vice President Al Gore, who in his keynote speech said he someday foresees "a single, unified global computing community, in which men from as far off as New Zealand and Germany will be able to log onto their computers and masturbate silently in the dark to the same pair of breasts."

"This," Gore stressed, "is the exciting promise of the Information Age."

To compete with Microsoft, Netscape is currently developing BreastLink 8000, a state-of-the-art, fiber-optic downlink device which will one day meld the television, telephone and computer into a single breast-viewing device.

"BreastLink 8000 will be the center of every family home someday," Netscape CEO James Barksdale said. "It will make 72 dpi images of breasts obsolete, replacing them with supra-real photos and quick-time movies. Waiting several seconds for breast pictures to download on our clunky computers of today is simply barbaric."

Negroponte agreed with Barksdale: "Revolutionary. Computers. Internet. Future."

Educators present at the conference stressed the importance of keeping America's children on top of all the latest breast-viewing technology.

"Breasts will be a vital educational tool in the years to come," said Chicago-area elementary school teacher Pat Ross. "We must be careful that we don't fall so far behind that there becomes a 'breast gap' between children of the U.S. and those of other nations."

While the ripe, juicy, heaving bosoms of nubile females was the main focus of the technology summit, many in attendance promised a future bright with wonders beyond breasts.

"A cornucopia of bare, wet rumps; hot and horny lesbian action; and naked nympho sluts in various stages of auto-erotica await the computer user of the future," said Wired editor Phil Henson. "The flesh-sampling possibilities are virtually limitless. It's very exciting."

"What an extraordinary time to be a child," said Walter Lowery, of Phillips Magnavox's new BreastTV.

On-line breast viewing, or "the Internet," is currently a $20 billion a year enterprise.

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Hey Martha

Tuesday, January 06, 1998

United we swim: school of herring sinks fishing boat

OSLO, Norway (AP) -- A school of herring caught in a trawler's net refused to give up without a fight -- and sank a 63-foot boat.

The trawler Steinholm was fishing off Norway's northern coast when it made a huge catch of the fish. When the crew tried to haul in the net, the entire school of herring swam for the bottom and capsized the ship, the Oslo newspaper Dagbladet reported Tuesday.

"I have been fishing since I was 14 and I have never seen anything like it," skipper Geir Nikolaisen, 49, was quoted as saying.

Crew members tried to cut loose the net but were forced to abandon the capsized ship, which sank in 10 minutes.

No one was hurt and the six fishermen were rescued by another trawler. It was not clear whether the fish escaped the net.