Daily Dose - 990223 - baseball, More Headlines, ladder to success, flowers, The Onion, Hey Martha

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scottish, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish mans embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Scottish then stood up and screamed,
"Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

_____________________

More Headlines

TOKYO, JAPAN -- Hideki Oshi of the All Japan Spacewatch Association says U.F.O. aliens keep in touch with each other through classified ads in newspapers. He claims the outer space aliens don't want Earthlings to phone tap their conversations, so they communicate to each other via the "Personals" columns.

PARIS, FRANCE -- Babbette Girard, a French fashion model, lost her career because she mistook her husband's hair restorer for breast cream and started growing hair. Great wads of hair began to sprout on her breasts shortly after she accidentally started using the hair-growing cream purchased by her bald-headed husband.

GRAND RAPIDS, MICH. -- A bar in Grand Rapids has been banned by the liquor control board for holding a dwarf tossing competition. The dwarves don't seem to have any complaints because they can earn up to $1000 a night for being hurled into a padded area.

TROY, N.Y. -- 25-year-old John Kronau was arrested by the New York State Police for disorderly conduct after he frightened a bank teller at the Troy Savings Bank. Kronau handed the teller a note that read, "Don't be alarmed -- this is a bank deposit -- please take the money out of the envelope and deposit it into my account."

BRAZIL -- Dr. Meyer Schmitt says he found a South American jungle tribe that speaks drawling English, flies the Confederate flag and sings Dixie. The German scientist also claims that many of the tribesmen are over 6 feet tall and have blue eyes. Dr. Schmitt says that during the Civil War, a Colonel Beauregard van Huten split Georgia just ahead of Sherman's troops and settled in Brazil's jungles.

YUCCA, ARIZ. -- Metaphysician Dr. C. Ralph Campo says he's been in contact with extraterrestrials for several months and they have told him that an Intergalaxy U.F.O. Convention will be held somewhere in the state of Arkansas on August 1st. Although the exact location isn't given, the exclusive convention is inviting only those people who have been contacted by aliens. Campo says the agenda includes a discussion of world problems but the convention won't be strictly all business. He says humans will be treated to joyrides in the latest flying saucers.

TULSA, OKLA. -- Police report that a man walked into a convenience store, took a quart bottle of beer to the counter and told the store clerk, "Let me have this. I've had a bad day." When the clerk refused, the man pulled out a .357 Magnum and told the clerk, "This is all I want. I don't want anything else." and walked out the door while holding the gun on the clerk Later, officers spotted a man fitting the description of the robber sitting in a truck in a parking lot. They ordered the man to drop the gun and the beer. The man dropped the gun but drank the rest of the beer.

BONN, W. GERMANY -- Dr. Dieter Hollmann says he gave up being a vegetarian when he heard an onion scream. Dr. Hollmann claims that when he hooked up an onion to a machine and sliced into it, the vegetable let out a humanlike scream of pain. He has also cut down trees and heard them cry like babies.

NEPAL -- Explorers have found a U.F.O. baby with gray eyes and the ability to start fires with his mind. The team of mountain climbers were in the Himalayas when they came across the space alien child. The alien has no heart, kidneys or lungs but can still make sounds.

PHOENIX, ARIZ. -- A living skeleton riding a ghostly camel in the Arizona desert has been spotted by a migrant worker. The red camel with a shrieking skeleton lashed to its back scared Manuel Zarate so badly, that Zarate tore up his green card and ran back to Mexico.

HONG KONG, CHINA -- Chinese reports say a huge flying salmon ate a farmer in a northwestern province. Officials report the farmer's son said a 36-foot long salmon flew through the air, swooped like a hawk and carried the man back to the ocean. It's the first report in China of huge fish eating men. Previously, the giant fish swiped horses and cows.

GLOUCESTER, ENGLAND -- The Gloucester (gloster), England town council has passed a new housing law making it illegal for tenants in public housing to die without giving at least 30 days notice.

CALGARY, CANADA -- 210-pound Rachel Pringle of Calgary was angry at her husband for locking the refrigerator so the hunger-crazed woman attacked and ate her husband's parakeets while in the throes of a food fit.

_______________________

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Fondling the breasts of his madam.
He smiled with mirth,
'cause he knew that on earth,
there were only two boobs, and he had 'em.

______________________

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." This was not a hard choice for Jack. Jack ran up the ladder.
At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder further up.
At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Since things were getting better the higher he got, Jack chose to climb the ladder even further.
At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but figuring it could only get better, he choosed to climb the ladder at least one more time.
At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500 lb. naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack screamed, "Who are you?" The man replied, "I'm Cess."

______________________

What’s better than winning six gold medals at the Special Olympics???
Not being retarded.

_____________________

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

_____________________

"Life is like a shit sandwich, the more dough you have, the less shit you have to eat !! "

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex ?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

_____________________

The Onion

2-D Doritos Sales Lagging

DALLAS--In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos.

"The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three-dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth," Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said.

"So wild, in fact, they have lost interest in traditional monoplanar snack chips."

Toomer said Frito-Lay is now developing a highly theoretical "Funyuns 4-D."

"One day, people everywhere will enjoy crispy, extratemporal Funyuns that intersect with an infinite number of parallel universes," Toomer said. "It will be a whole new world of non-Euclidean snacking."

_____________________

Hey Martha

Tuesday, January 06, 1998

Activists honor whaler's son for accident

OSLO, Norway (AP) -- An anti-whaling group has named the son of Norway's most prominent whaler "Crewman of the Year" for accidentally sinking his family's boat.

The 45-foot whaling boat Morild, owned by Steinar Bastesen, sank at its wharf in Bronnoysund, 430 miles north of Oslo, in November.

After a series of attacks on whaling boats, Norwegians immediately suspected sabotage. However, police concluded that the Morild sank because Bastesen's 20-year-old son Stein Eirik forgot to close several valves.

So the Sea Shepherd anti-whaling group, which has claimed responsibility for several attacks on whaling boats, honored the younger Bastesen, the Oslo newspaper Verdens Gang reported Tuesday.

Steinar Bastesen, the former head of Norway's whaling association, said the reported honor was not worth commenting on.