Daily Dose - 990222 - mortitian, 1997 Women's Conference, Gates' diary, limericks, deer hunters, prescription, The Onion, Hey Martha
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.
She took one look and said, "That's just like my Harry's."
"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.
"No," she replied. "That dead."
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At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
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The two east coast hookers decided to move to the west coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store.
Well low and behold there were two older Indian women sitting out on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation, which lead to the one older Indian woman said "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho" and the one hooker said "No Shit, Well I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho"
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There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
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The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary.....
11.Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
10.Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows-yet.
9.The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8.Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7.Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6.Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
5.Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4.Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3.Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2.Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
1.Seventh day: rested.
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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
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We went to a party last Saturday night. One of the party-goers is friend of ours who happens to be a policeman in Wayland.
He told this story about he and a friend who went to Maine to go deer hunting. Seems they didn't get what they were after, but that was OK because they had the last laugh.
They had brought with them an inflatable, man sized doll which they dressed in hunter's clothing and tied it to the hood of their car just before leaving to return home. They also had pullover head masks that looked exactly like a deer which of course they each put on, and then drove nonchalantly down the Maine turnpike.
To say that they caused a commotion would be an understatement. They even got pulled over by a Maine State Trooper who said that they were really doing nothing wrong, but told them they were leaving a trail of accidents behind and asked them to kindly remove the costumes!
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* A lezzie girl from Khartoum
Asked a gay boy up to her room
They spent half the night
In a hell of a fight
Over who should do what, and to whom
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* A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting primly,
Said, "Heaven's above,
I know sex ain't love...
But it's sure an attractive facsimile"
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* There was a young lady name Twilling
Who went to the dentist for drilling
But due to depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
Now Twilling's nursing her filling
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* There once was a warrior from Parma
Who got into bed with a charmer
She, naturally nude,
Said, "Don't think me rude,
But I do wish you'd take off your armor"
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* She wasn't what one would call pretty,
And the other girls offered her pity
Thus nobody guessed
That her Wassermann Test
Involved half the men of the city
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There was a couple that was having sexual problems so the wife decided to seek the advice of a sex therapist. The sex therapist suggested that the wife give her husband a viagra pill and gave her a prescription.
The next day, the woman returned to the therapist and said that it worked really well, but questioned what would happen if she gave her husband 2 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results.
The next day, she returned and told the therapist that it was really wonderful...but questioned what would happen if she gave him 5 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results. The next day, the woman returned to the office, big bags under her eyes, and super tired. She said the results were just fantastic. She then asked the therapist what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle. The therapist shrugged her shoulders and told her that she had never heard of that happening before...but to be sure to let her know the results.
The therapist didn't see the woman the next day...in fact, she didn't see her for severals days. Two weeks later, the therapist came out of her office and found the woman's young son sitting in the waiting room. She said, "Johnny, it's so nice to see you. How is your family-
I haven't seen your mother for two weeks?"
John answered, "Well, my mother is dead... My sister is pregnant... I have a sore butt...and my dad is in the corner of the barn saying, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty'!"
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The Onion
Land Mine Seizes Power In Angola
LUANDA, ANGOLA--The war-torn West African nation of Angola, for decades wracked by violent power struggles among rival factions, was cast into further political turmoil Monday when a 40-pound anti-personnel land mine seized power and declared itself president for life.
"Today represents the dawn of a glorious new era for our nation," said the landmine, which rose to power with the backing of Angola's estimated 40 million subterranean explosive devices. "For too many years, we have been ignored by Angola's leaders, denied representation despite the fact that we outnumber the humans by a margin of four to one."
The new leader punctuated its remarks with periodic detonations, which blew off the legs of numerous nearby orphans.
Though many Angolans are skeptical about having a non-sentient, man-made object designed to maim people as their leader, support for the mine appears to be growing.
"Killing and maiming thousands of innocent people has always been a crucial part of being president of Angola," said Xassengue villager Biaro Opala, one of the nation's 3,000,000+ amputees. "Who is better qualified for this task than a land mine?"
"This land mine will do at least as good a job governing Angola as our previous leaders," triple-amputee Kwala N'ele said. "It will also blow people's limbs and genitals off."
According to political observers, the land mine's ascent to power will likely pave the way for future non-human leaders in Angola.
"This land mine will open doors for other large but politically underrepresented African-Angolan groups, such as rocket-propelled grenade launchers and AK-47 assault rifles," Yale University African Studies professor Ralph Langwell said.
Langwell praised the land mine as a canny leader that may at last bring unity to a shattered nation.
"Waiting until now to seize power was a shrewd move on the part of this mine," Langwell said. "Using all of the innate skills typically possessed by land mines, it was smart enough to lay low for years, waiting until the Angolan political climate was just as volatile as the mine itself, and then--bang!--take everyone by surprise."
"The timing is right for a land-mine presidency," he added. "This is a leader people will think twice before walking all over."
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Hey Martha
Friday, December 19, 1997
3-year-old turns in dad
OXNARD, Calif. (AP) -- Kevin Lee Wallace's night went from bad to worse after police pulled him over for speeding: His 3-year-old son handed over a small bag of marijuana to officers.
"Here. Bad," said little Brandon, according to police.
Brandon's dad was driving 78 mph in a 55-mph zone when he was pulled over Tuesday night, police said. Officers said they smelled alcohol while they were talking to him.
As they checked the car to see if there was evidence to arrest him for investigation of drunken driving, Brandon -- who was not in a child car seat, in violation of the law -- moved freely in the car and picked up a small plastic bag off the floor, police said. The bag contained slightly less than an ounce of marijuana, said police spokesman David Keith.
Wallace, 25, was booked for investigation of speeding, driving on a suspended license, driving under the influence of alcohol, not having his son in a child seat, possession of marijuana and child endangerment. Wallace enrolled Wednesday in a drug treatment program.
"I'm glad he did it," Wallace said of Brandon. "It makes you want to stop using drugs. It gives you the definite desire to stop."