Daily Dose - 990221 - Why Men Can't Win, West Texas Guide to Computer Lingo, after Sidney died, Translating Management Speak, I'll need a specimen, The Onion, Hey Martha

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

__________________

West Texas Guide to Computer Lingo

"Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your gun.

"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" - How to get rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wives/girlfriends.

"Bit" - A wager as in "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways." "Digital Control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"Packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

_____________________

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie', he told me.' I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.
At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring.
"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"

___________________

TRANSLATING MANAGEMENT SPEAK

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."
TRANSLATION: "I disagree."

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.
TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

____________________

Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe."
"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."
"Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye."
Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.
Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing.
"Kate, what ever happened?"
"I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and the fight was on."

_____________________

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.
Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?" He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."

_____________________

A woman's basketball player at Northern Kentucky University has filed a federal lawsuit claiming she was kicked off the team because she is a lesbian. "In Kentucky, a lesbian is defined as 'a woman who refuses the advances of her brother'."

____________________

The Onion

Christopher Cross Finally Reaches Mexican Border

NOGALES, MEXICO--After nearly 20 years on the run, Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Christopher Cross finally reached the Mexican border Monday.

"I had such a long way to go,"said Cross, who fled south after gunning down 10 in 1980, "but I've finally made it to the border of Mexico."

Doctors, who described Cross' body as "weak," said much sleep would be necessary to restore the health of the fugitive adult-contemporary vocalist.

____________________

Hey Martha

Friday, December 12, 1997

Execs recall their worst job interviews

NEW YORK (AP) -- The prospective employee walked into the interviewer's office, took a seat and began to answer questions. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

Pizza delivery!

The guy being interviewed "had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office," recalled the human resources executive, still baffled by the incident.

"I had to ask him not to eat it until later."

Strange but true -- and far from an isolated incident, according to a study of executives responsible for hiring at 200 of the largest companies in the United States.

The study, conducted for Commemorative Brands, a maker of class rings, found that many high school and college graduates seeking entry-level jobs are saying goodbye within minutes of their first hello to an interviewer.

The participating executives had little trouble recalling some of the mind-bending mistakes by prospective employees. In return for their honesty, the executives received anonymity.

Here are their responses to this question: "What is the most unusual or humorous incident you recall during an interview for an entry-level position?"

The envelopes, please.

-- "The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."

Next!

-- "Why did he go to college? His ill-conceived answer: 'To party and socialize.'"

Next!

-- "Said she had graduated cum laude, but had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she said she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1"

Next!

"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. Said she didn't think I'd mind."

Next!

"I had asked the candidate to bring a resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume -- and two people."

In addition to these must-to-avoid tips, the survey uncovered some do's for the aspiring employee: Schedule your interview before 10 a.m. Try to get in on a Tuesday; Friday is the day to avoid. Don't save your best for last; most interviewers make up their minds within 15 minutes.

Most important, pay attention. Listen to the questions and give complete answers. And never, never follow the example of this hapless candidate:

"Without asking, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed a match on to my carpet -- and couldn't understand why I was upset," one executive said.