Dear Bill:

OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

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Q. What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogaine?
A. Don King.

Q. What do they call duct tape in Missouri?
A. Chrome

Q: What does Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
A: Both offer very little support!

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Sign on an "old" car's bumper:

"This car is constipated, can't pass a thing!"

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ROANOKE, Va. (AP) -- The Rev. Jerry Falwell is trying to out Tinky Winky, suggesting that the purple, purse-toting character on television's popular "Teletubbies" children's show is gay.
The February edition of the National Liberty Journal, edited and published by Falwell, contains an article warning parents that the rotund Teletubby with the triangular antenna may be a gay role model. To support its claim, the publication says Tinky Winky has the voice of a boy but carries a purse. "He is purple - the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay-pride symbol."

TOP FIFTEEN REASONS JERRY FALWELL THINKS YOUR FAVORITE TV CHARACTER IS A HOMOSEXUAL

15. Gilligan: Shipwrecked with a movie star but prefers to bunk with the Skipper.
14. Sipowicz: Sure seems to go through a LOT of partners.
13. The Nanny: Said all she wants for Valentine's day is "a box from Tiffany."
12. Reverend Robert Schuller: A robe and a crystal cathedral?
11. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
10. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
9. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
8. Check the reruns closely - Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
7. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
6. Why do you think they were called "Sweathogs"?
5. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows way too much about Broadway musicals and potpourri.
4. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
3. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
2. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.

and the Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is a homosexual...

1. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"

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POLICE BLOTTER

An 80 year old man upset because he thought he had missed his stop, fired a gun 10 times into the ceiling of an Amtrak train car Wednesday in Rhinecliff N.Y..(lets cut down on the caffeine)

Authorities have arrested a Beverly Hills man who rode a rented limousine while committing armed robberies. Detective Bud Mehringer said "when you live in Beverly Hills, what else do you do robberies with? he says he doesn't have a car".

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to the police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R.l. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

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The Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those divorce's."

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

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Patient: Doctor, I want to live for 120 years. What should I do to accomplish that?

Doctor: It's easy. All you have to do is to stay away from alcohol, women, cigarettes, junk food, and gambling.

Patient: Can you guarantee that I will live for 120 years, if I follow that advice?

Doctor: To you sir, it will certainly seem so.

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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.'

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.'

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, 'He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him.'

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, 'You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?'

The guy says, 'No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her.'

The boss says, 'You fuck your sister?'

The guy says, 'Hey, I told you I was sick.'

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Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

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The Onion

COKE INTRODUCES NEW 30-LITER SIZE --Bottle will be unwieldly, inconvenient--

ATLANTA--The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly-large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.

Several major drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss. "The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But, 30 liters? That's untouchable."

The new bottle is plastic, nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.

"By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community," Hertner said. "The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not."

Sociologists see Coke's plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as a logical one. "It makes sense," Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said. "Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big tits, big dicks, and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that's what the new Coke size is."

At the conference, Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. "We're phasing out the smaller cans and bottles as well as two-liter sizes," Hertner said. "We're confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won't have a choice. We own Minute Maid as well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes. Fruitopia, too. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we own a small nation? If the people of this country don't like the newly-sized product, we'll simply declare war. We will bury you."

Consumers are eager to sample the new size. "I like Coke a lot, so it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke," Linda Jillerman of Cincinnati said. "For the last 13 years, I've been working on a mechanism to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I'll be able to get my old job back!"

The new size of Coke is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering "Coka-Munga" and "The Shitload," executives on "Family Size" as the product's official name.

An extensive promotional campaign for the product is also in the works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product's spokesman. If Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. "Ve velcome zees challenge," head scientist Gunther Brauerhauer said.
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Hey Martha

Thursday, December 11, 1997

Pilot blacks out, but plane lands without him

HOISINGTON, Kan. (AP) -- A pilot overcome by carbon monoxide fumes blacked out in his small plane and woke up on the ground in a snowy field. The plane had flown 250 miles on auto-pilot before gliding to a crash-landing.

"The man won the lottery," said Federal Aviation Administration safety inspector Jim Wesley.

Rob Frayser, a 47-year-old doctor, fell ill during the flight Saturday from his home in Hoisington in central Kansas. The plane was supposed to end up in Topeka, about 160 miles to the east, but wound up in Moberly, Mo., about 350 miles to the northeast At first, Frayser didn't realize he had crashed.

"I woke up totally disoriented and didn't know if I was in the air or on the ground or what," he said. "I automatically did what you're supposed to do for an approach -- switched the fuel tanks, lowered the gear, added power. Nothing seemed to help.

"Finally I saw the trees around me, so I opened the door and got out," he said.

He walked away with only a broken arm, cuts and bruises and was back at work Tuesday at the Hoisington Medical Center, where he practices osteopathic medicine.

"I feel very, very fortunate," Frayser said. "On this one, the good Lord was my co-pilot."

Frayser took off at 7 a.m. Saturday, then set the autopilot in the single-engine, four-seater Piper Comanche. He remembers nothing after about the first 100 miles of the trip. A crack in the engine's exhaust system had allowed the deadly carbon monoxide gas to seep into the cabin's heating system.

After crossing over into Missouri, the plane somehow glided to a landing in a field near Moberly, skidding 500 feet on its belly before crashing into some trees.

Frayser emerged from the plane with a splitting headache and severe ringing in his ears -- signs of carbon monoxide poisoning. He staggered about a quarter-mile to a farmhouse, where help was summoned.

An emergency room doctor estimated that the level of carbon monoxide in Frayser's blood had risen to around 35 parts per million at the time of the crash. A level of 50 parts per million could have killed him.

"If the plane hadn't run out of gas, I probably would have had 30 more minutes in the air before I'd have died," Frayser said.