A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

_____________________

Amanpreet was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Amanpreet said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

_______________________

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnnie was brought into the room.
The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The
principal looked at the teacher and told her,
"I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking,
"What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer,
Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

____________________

If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

____________________

A truck driver who has been delivering radio-active waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He then seeks to be compensated for this ailment. Appearing at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right all lead
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

___________________

A woman enters the Police station. "I've been raped by a lawyer", she says to the nearest constable. The constable starts taking her statement and asks, "What is his name?"
"I don't know", comes the reply.
"Where does he normally work?" asks the constable.
"I don't know", comes the reply.
"Have you ever seen this man before today?", inquires the constable.
"No, I have not", comes the reply.
"Madam" says the baffled constable, "then how on earth do you know that he is a lawyer?"
The woman, who fails to understand the constable's lack of intellectual powers snaps back in a flash, "He drove off in a luxury German sedan with a sunroof, he had a briefcase with him and I had to do 50% of the work!"

__________________

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

__________________

Seen on the door to a LASER lab:
" Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

_________________

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

" Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?".

" When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

" Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?

She said, " Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

________________

The Onion

Russia's Power Shut Off

MOSCOW--Russia came one step closer to eviction Monday when the beleaguered nation's electricity was shut off due to nonpayment.

"Russia has been on thin ice for months now," landlord Bob Nowicki said.

"They keep saying they'll pay the bill, they'll take care of it, but then nothing happens."

Russian president Boris Yeltsin has begged Nowicki to restore power, promising him that the nation will "almost definitely" have the money by the end of the week, when the World Bank is slated to vote on a $5.3 billion Russian aid package.

Monday's power shut-off leaves more than 148 million Russians without heat or running water.

"I hope our leaders can somehow come up with the cash to cover rent," St. Petersburg resident Olga Krupskaya said. "This would be a difficult time of year to have to find a new country."

Russia has already forfeited its $44 trillion security deposit.

________________

Hey Martha

Wednesday, December 10, 1997

Driver about to lose car flees in tow truck

NEW YORK (AP) -- Chalk one up for the millions of motorists miffed by the tow truck.

To the cheers of onlookers, a plumber who was about to have his car hauled away for double parking jumped into the tow truck and sped off with his 1985 Chevrolet Celebrity rolling behind. Police have found the $67,000 Cdn tow truck, but are still looking for the man -- and his car.

The incident began Monday night after Ronald Glivens ticketed the car with a $80 summons, police spokesman Det. Robert Samuel said. The driver, who was not identified by police, politely approached Glivens, said he was a plumber from upstate and had no other way to get home.

"I told him there was nothing I could do, " Glivens said in today's Daily News. "I was pound-bound."

As residents in the Bronx neighborhood gathered to watch, the man got inside his car even as it was hoisted up by the tow truck.

"The guy turns on the ignition and puts the car in gear, then hits the gas like he's doing 100 mph," Glivens said. "He bashes into my truck four or five times and I'm thinking this fool's going to kill me, so I get out."

The man then climbed into the tow truck and drove off.

The truck was found Tuesday morning in nearby Yonkers.