A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?"
The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf."
The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The son-of-a-guns never bring 'em back!"

_________________

A street-wise stunningly beautiful blonde walked into a bank and asked to see the manager about a loan. When seated in his office, she said, "Look ! Before we get started on this, I heard a story where a girl borrowed some money & she was unable to pay it back. The manager of the bank made her sleep with him for $100 a night until the loan was paid off. Could that happen ?"
The bank manager smiled, "Well, I've never heard of such an occurrence, it's not likely..." then he looked her over again, "but... I guess it's not impossible."
"Good !" smirked the blonde, "I'd like to borrow $286,000."

________________

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside.
The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?" Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents.
She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.
About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."

________________

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs, and your meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob.

_______________

After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him plling down his pants!

"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap.

_________________

Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his teeth are missing.

______________

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

________________

The Onion

World Shocked By Possible Link Between Olympics, Big Money

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND--As the Olympic bribery scandal widens, a stunned world is expressing disbelief over the notion that the Olympics have been tainted by big money.

"To think that these IOC officials were exploiting the world's greatest amateur sporting event to make a buck--it's shocking," Phoenix resident Jill Petruso said.

"The purity of the Olympics has been forever tarnished by greed and profiteering."

In addition to receiving more than $500,000 in bribes from Salt Lake City officials, the IOC is believed to have accepted $450 million from Coca-Cola in exchange for special favors and privileges during the 1996 Atlanta Games.

________________

Hey Martha

Thursday, December 04, 1997

Lemon award given for 'misleading' ads

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Gleaming awards were announced for major U.S. corporations in an Academy Awards-style ceremony Thursday but the recipients said they were undeserving and wouldn't accept.

The awards, bronze figures each holding aloft a fresh lemon, were presented for trying to sell products through "misleading, unfair and irresponsible" advertising campaigns.

They were presented in absentia by a coalition of consumer, safety and health advocacy groups.

The Harlan Page Hubbard Lemon awards are named, according to the coalition, for Hubbard, a 19th century ad man who touted Lydia Pinkham's Vegetable Compound as a virtual cure-all, effective against everything from cancer to flatulence, headaches, sleeplessness and low sex drive.

"The Hubbard spirit is still alive and well in the advertising community today and I am sure that old Harlan would be proud of this year's winners," said Bruce Silverglade, legal director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest. "Whether it's a long-distance telephone company that promises 'free' phone calls or a diet program that promises weight loss 'without the risks,' deceptive ads can empty our pocketbooks and endanger our health."

Among the recipients and their responses:

--R.J. Reynolds, for implying that its new "no additive" Winston cigarettes are safer than traditional cigarettes. The company's response: it was emphasizing "true taste," not safety. "New Winston is simply a choice we are offering to the 45 million adults in this country who choose to smoke," said corporate spokeswoman Carole Crosslin.

--The American Egg Board,for ads claiming that eating eggs will probably not raise a healthy person's cholesterol level. The board's response: "The advertising is supported by over 25 years of scientific data that show very clearly that it is OK for most Americans to eat one or two eggs every day."

--Sprint, for promising free calls on Monday nights without disclosing a variety of hidden restrictions, including that the free calls were limited to the month of November for existing Sprint customers. Sprint spokesman Steve Lunceford said, "We feel they have misinterpreted the ad, which clearly states the program is for new customers. They focused on existing customers. The terms were one month for old customers, three months of free Monday night calls for new ones."

--Cadillac Motor Cars, for an "irresponsible TV ad showing its new Catera illegally crossing a double yellow line to pass other cars," allegedly showing a disregard for safety. Cadillac's response: "The ad portrays safe, normal driving ... . The car passes legally and safely across a broken yellow line. In the interest of avoiding any misunderstanding, the spot was re-edited, so that the driving conditions cannot be misinterpreted."