In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

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STUPID CRIMINALS

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity "while" also breaking the law. To these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
The following are their accounts ...

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where "else" can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-=87 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

Nevada: A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

California: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

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Did you hear about the blonde that:

Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
Thought that "moby dick" was a venereal disease.
Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
Studied 5 days for a urine test.
Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.
Did you hear about the two blond thieves that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

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(the editor AGAIN apologises in advance for this one)

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of being with a black man. One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome black man who appeared to be great, so she figured, what the hell, she'd go for it. So Mary asked the fellow to come home with her.
When the two got to Mary's apartment they had a few more glasses of wine and, Mary told the black guy about her fantasy, and asked if he would be a part of it.
Well, the black man, agreed, so the two headed for Mary's bedroom. Mary said, "OK, first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the black guy uses two of her silken scarves and securely ties her arms and legs to the bedposts so she's left spread-eagle on the bed.
By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up at the black guy with lust in her eyes and says, "Now, big boy, do what it is that you do best!"
And would you believe it?
The guy grabs her TV and climbs out the window.

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A woman is having a drink at the bar when a guy slides up to her and says, "Pardon me, I couldn't help but notice that you have the most beautiful tits I've ever seen."
"Well, I never. You keep your filthy thoughts to yourself, you creep." She gets up and moves to the other end of the bar.
He follows her over, sits down next to her and says "While you were walking away, I noticed that you also have a perfect perky little ass."
"Sir, you are way out of line. I must ask you to leave me alone this instant."
Undeterred, he replied "I tell you something else, I'd like to tip you upside down, fill your pussy up with beer and drink you dry."
"Sir, my husband will be arriving in ten minutes, and he's going to put a serious hurting on you for saying such things to me."
Her husband arrives. The woman says "That greasy looking man over there said I have nice tits.?
"I'll punch his lights out" replied the husband.
"He also said I have a perfect perky little ass." "He's really gonna get knocked out now." The burly husband said.
"That's not all, he said he wants to tip me upside down, fill my pussy up with beer and drink me dry."
Well, uh, maybe we better get going. I don't want to mess with anyone who can drink that much beer."

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The Onion

Price-Gun-Wielding Maniac Riddles Supermarket With Savings

MIDDLETOWN, OH--Shock, dismay and fabulous money-saving opportunities were just part of the aftermath of a tragic mass-discounting Monday, when a price-gun-wielding maniac opened fire on the canned-goods aisle of a local supermarket.

Though shot and seriously injured by in-store security personnel while escaping, the unidentified man, who police and grocery authorities describe as "armed and dangerous," remains at large as of press time.

Inflicting discount savings of an estimated 30 to 40 percent on a variety of delicious food items throughout the store, the man held a stand-up display of Hormel Chili products hostage at gunpoint for 30 harrowing minutes before opening fire.

The rampage of markdowns, which occurred at the Food Lion at Cobb Road and Highland Avenue in Middletown, caused an estimated "$22,000 in savings, product rebates and great three-for-two deals, valid until 10 p.m. Friday," a visibly shaken Food Lion spokesperson told reporters.

"There was nothing anybody could do," said second-shift produce manager Fred Gwaines, who witnessed the incident. "We had no choice but to stand there and watch as our profit margin dropped right in front of us. I mean, I saw a 12-ounce jar of Mott's-brand applesauce get marked down to $1.19 right before my eyes. How could a person do something like that?"

Though it is not known how the man came into possession of the price gun or managed to get it inside the store, law-enforcement and grocery-industry authorities believe he may have at one time received stocking and pricing training at a major supermarket chain, most likely as a short-term probationary employee or trainee.

"This was a sophisticated price gun, with dual spring-loaded sticker-tape loops and twin five-digit display settings," Food Lion store manager Hank Schwepp said. "People don't just walk in off the street with a price gun like that. What's more, he knew how to use it. This guy's seen his share of instructional training videos, that's for sure."

Witnesses said the man discounted hundreds of food items, as well as products for use in and around the home, before store security guards made the decision to return fire. Shot twice in the left calf and once in the right shoulder, the wounded gunman nevertheless continued to furiously discount food items without remorse before fleeing into the frozen-food aisle, eluding pursuers.

"It's a decision no guard ever wants to make," security officer Bill Nissen said. "But when I saw that deranged madman heading toward the frozen-food aisle, I knew it was either the Hungry Man salisbury-steak dinner entrees or him. There was never any question."

"For a person to take that many bullets and keep going, it's almost superhuman," Schwepp said. "We're talking about a perpetrator who is pathologically devoted to huge savings on quality food items for a limited time only. Our grocery pathologists and retail forensic psychiatrists indicate that he likely has a long history of smart shopping and coupon use, and was probably exposed to budget-conscious family shopping as a child. Savings rule his life."

Food Lion officials are strongly urging all shoppers to keep a close watch on upcoming "Clip 'n' Save" newspaper inserts for information about when and where the price-gun-wielding man may strike next, letting loose another barrage of low, low prices.

"Somewhere out there, this maniac is still free," assistant store manager Ted Conn said. "There's no telling how much ammunition he has remaining or how far he is willing to go in his mad pursuit of greater and greater savings at all Food Lion locations throughout the greater Middletown area. He's obviously highly resourceful, intelligent and single-minded about discounts. All consumers can do is watch, wait and pray. And stop by your neighborhood Food Lion, where we have no choice but to pass these inhuman, tragic savings on to you."

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Hey Martha

Tuesday, December 02, 1997

Officers scare suspect ashore

KEY WEST, Fla. (AP) -- Even police chases are different in the laid-back Florida Keys.

Officers were called to the Ocean Key House marina early Sunday because a 17-metre cruiser was bashing into other boats.

A man appeared on the bridge of the cruiser Fireball, saw police and dove into the water.

Usually, that's when police shout "Freeze!"

But this is Key West.

They yelled "Sharks!"

The man swam ashore -- rapidly.

Jon Davison, 34, of Titusville, Fla., was booked on charges of grand theft and burglary, the Miami Herald reported Tuesday.