If idiots could fly, Wafra would be an airport.
____________________

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN, "I'm inconsolable at the present time. I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion."

____________________

If you're not into Valentines Day this is for you!

Hearts and roses and kisses galore....
What the hell is that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
and wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So there's the story...what else can I say?
____________________

You know you are from the south if:

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

_________________

ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested and when the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins"; then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisment which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisment which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident".

He won the case
________________

A guy went to a grocery store and asked the clerk behind the counter for 2 cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes, I do," replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied, "but you're going to have to prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you the dog food."
The frustrated customer went home to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way to the store. "Here's my dog!" said the tired customer.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of dog food."

2 days later, the same guy returned to the same store. He went up to the same clerk and asked for 2 cans of cat food.
"Do you have a cat, sir?"
"Of course, I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you the cat food."
The guy stormed out of the store, went home, grabbed his cat, dragged it to the store and held the cat by its tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of cat food."
The very next day, the guy returned to the store with a white shoebox with a small hole on its cover. He approached the clerk and placed the shoe box on the counter.
"Yes, sir, " asked the clerk, "What can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole," ordered the guy.
"I beg your pardon?" asked the clerk.
"Just do as I said. It won't bite." Cautiously the clerk put his finger in the hole.
"Pull your finger out and tell me what it looks like," said the guy.
The clerk pulled out his finger and exclaimed, "It looks like shit!"
"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. Now give me 2 rolls of toilet paper

________________

Steve stalked into the drugstore on Monday morning and shouted at the manager, "Friday night, I came in here and brought a gross of condoms. Later, I counted them and found five missing."

"Sorry to have ruined your weekend, sir," said the manager.

________________

Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today"

HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear"

HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news"

HER "Well, the air bag works"

__________________

(the editor apologises for this one in advance)

A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her.
He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million.
This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around.
In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well. He asks the leprechaun what is going on.
"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."
"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"
"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."
"And them out there?" asks the guy,
"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."

____________________

The Onion

Aging Pope 'Just Blessing Everything In Sight,' Say Concerned Handlers

VATICAN CITY--Concerned handlers for Pope John Paul II announced Monday that, in recent weeks, the 78-year-old Catholic leader has "just been blessing everything in sight."

The frail pope has been confined to bed ever since his Jan. 28 return from North America.

"We are, of course, very concerned for His Holiness' mental condition," said chief papal physician Giuseppe Clementi, standing by the pope's bedside, surrounded by dozens of newly consecrated pill bottles, urine-specimen cups and orthopedic slippers. "Pretty much anything you hold up in front of his face these days, he blesses."

Vatican handlers said they first noticed signs of papal deterioration on Jan. 26, as he deplaned at St. Louis' Lambert International Airport upon his arrival in the U.S. After descending the airplane staircase and kissing the runway, as is papal tradition, the pope broke free of his handlers and blessed a luggage cart, a podium, a Life photographer's camera, the plane's left-side landing gear, three TWA flight attendants, and two of the Swiss Guard who were attempting to release his grip on the landing struts and subdue him. Upon realizing that he was being physically restrained, the pope worked his papal-signet-ring-bearing right hand free and blessed the entire aircraft, which now resides in its own special five-story grotto under St. Peter's Basilica.

The pope's blessing rampage also necessitated the construction a 40,000-square-foot reliquary for the storage of thousands of now-holy items. Housed in the structure are such hallowed objects as the Blessed Vacuum Cleaner Of St. Matthew, the Consecrated Ball Of Crumpled-Up Paper, and the Sacred Zagnut Bar Of Christ, which the pope discovered and blessed during his recent U.S. visit.

The only artifacts not stored in the reliquary are those of medical necessity, which have been left in the pope's room. These include the Most Holy Intravenous Saline Drip, Maria The Day Nurse Of The Blessed Virgin, and the Electroencephalogram and Electrocardiogram Of St. Peter and St. Paul.

"That which the Vicar of Christ has sanctified becomes a holy object and must be used for no other purpose," Clementi said. "Therefore, it is unthinkable to commit the mortal sin of sacrilege by, for instance, either restraining the pope from the consecration of his strained beets or emptying the bedpans once he has filled and blessed them."

Though concerned about the pope's erratic behavior, Vatican staffers did not admit to a loss of morale.

"The pope's condition may be somewhat disconcerting to those of us charged with his care, but it is no doubt God's will," said papal drool-bib acolyte Thomassini Moretti, a nine-year veteran of Vatican spoon-feedings. "I have seen many mysterious things in the service of the Lamb of God, and I must trust that my wristwatch, lunch sack and right leg have become holy artifacts as part of some divine plan that I was not meant to comprehend."

Moretti said he first noticed changes in the pope in May 1996, when he held a much-publicized public baptism of pigeons and stray dogs in Rome's Trevi Fountain. Later that year, he made headlines again when he announced the excommunication of Big Boy and released a controversial papal bull condemning "picnic apes."

__________________

Hey Martha

Thursday, November 27, 1997

Marijuana lovers flock to "harvest festival"

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (AP) -- A whiff of Skunk? Some dazzling Northern Lights? How about a Great White Shark bite?

Different tokes for different folks competed Thursday for the attention of the high rollers judging the 10th annual Cannabis Cup.

About 2,000 marijuana lovers, many of them from the United States, are in the drug-tolerant Dutch capital for their yearly blowout, a five-day "harvest festival" organized by the U.S.-based High Times magazine.

Judges puffed their way through bags full of homegrown weed as paying guests took a special bus tour of Amsterdam's famous marijuana-selling "coffeeshops."

"You have to pace yourself," said Jody Miller, the event's publicist.

Miller said she doesn't smoke -- not that it matters. Sitting in one corner of a room thick with sweet-smelling smoke, she confessed to being high for three days on the secondhand fumes.

More than a five-day marijuana binge, the festival is an attempt to show the world what cannabis users can achieve, said organizer Steven Hager.

There are seminars on religion and the medicinal use of marijuana as well as a presentation promoting hemp -- the fibrous cannabis plant -- as a viable alternative to wood as a source of pulp for paper production.

This year's heady mix is completed by a hemp cloth fashion show, a ceremony honoring the late reggae singer Bob Marley and a trade exhibition showcasing cannabis growing and smoking paraphernalia.

But Arjan Roskam, owner of three marijuana cafes in Amsterdam and a mail-order company that sells cannabis seeds, was blase about the competition.

"It's good for sales, but it costs a lot too," the 32-year-old said, complaining he had to take on extra staff.

"I've won 13 cups in the last four years. I don't have any competitors. I do my own thing," he added.

Though marijuana is illegal in the Netherlands, Dutch authorities consider it and hashish as "soft" drugs and allow small-scale use and sale.

That's what makes Amsterdam a magnet for the likes of John Utterback, a self-proclaimed "Marijuana Monk" who lives part of each year in the Dutch capital and the rest of the time in Florida.

"This town is Disneyland for adults," he said, offering a puff of his fragrant joint to passers-by, "and this is THE gala for cannabis lovers."