Valentine's Day Kids Page!

Gasp! It's Valentine's Day, and you still haven't found the perfect valentine for your special little
friend. Not to fret! Here are some dear little valentines, all ready for delivery. Use a safety
scissors to cut them out, then affix them to cardboard with school glue or sticky tape. Remember
to have mom help you. Have fun!

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The Biblical Truth About Cats and Dogs

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

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The Checks

I just heard on the radio about a 90 year old lady who one Christmas found buying presents for family and friends a bit much, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in her Christmas cards.

She wrote out her Christmas cards and put "Buy your own present" after her name on them then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk! Everyone had got a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside but without the checks!

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The Moleskin Gift Wars

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.

The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.

He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

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A young woman ducked into an exclusive (no kids allowed) dress shop leaving her five-year-old son in charge of his year old sister. When she finally emerged, there was her son pushing a different stroller; her daughter nowhere in sight.

"Daniel ? What are you doing ?" she said. "That's not your sister !"

"Shhhhh, Mother." he replied. "This is a much better stroller."

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Wisdom Teeth

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

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These are actual answers from a Bible knowledge quiz as published in the Vancouver Sun and reprinted in a local church newspaper (it was also a topic of a Sunday Sermon)

1. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.

2. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night

3. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

4. The seventh commandment, "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

5. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

6. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

7. The people who followed Jesus were called the Twelve Decibels.

8. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

9. One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

10. Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Harrod's.

11. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

12. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

13. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.

14. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

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The Onion

Roof On Fire Claims Lives of 43 Party People

NEW YORK--Tragedy struck at a popular Manhattan nightclub Saturday, when the roof, the roof, the roof of The Tunnel caught fire, collapsing and killing 43 party people.

According to fire-department officials, the death toll was exacerbated by the clubgoers' unwillingness to evacuate the burning building.

"I tried shouting to the people on the dance floor that the roof was on fire and that they should exit the premises immediately, but they seemed unfazed by the danger," firefighter Michael Pitti said. "I just kept shouting, 'The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!' and so forth, but they just went right on dancing, insisting that they didn't need any of our water and that we should let the motherfucker burn."

The party people's refusal to exit the flame-engulfed nightclub is widely believed to have been the result of DJ Phreek Malik's unstoppable mix of the hottest house, funk, hip-hop, disco, jungle and techno beats.

"DJ Phreek Malik was spinning in a manner so hot, these party people were willing to give up their lives for a few extra minutes on the dance floor," New York City fire commissioner Thomas Von Essen said. "Even as a 50-foot-high wall of flames surged toward them, they continued to dance, throwing their hands in the air and waving them as if they just didn't care."

As flames continued to fill the nightclub, firefighters frantically urged the revelers to keep low to the ground to avoid smoke inhalation, but the warnings were universally ignored.

"I was screaming at the top of my lungs, 'Get down! Get down, party people!'" said Garry Hodges of Ladder Company 42, "but the more I shouted out, the harder they danced."

Though an FDNY investigation is still pending, the deadly blaze is believed to have begun at 11:40 p.m., when a roof-mounted ventilation system short-circuited, igniting the motherfucker. The fire is New York's deadliest since 1978, when 117 party people burned, baby, burned to death in a South Bronx disco inferno.

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Hey Martha

Tuesday, November 25, 1997

Pink slippers nail robber

ANAHEIM, Calif. (AP) -- A man suspected of robbing a credit union had a little trouble covering his tracks -- after the heist, police say he slipped into a business suit and fuzzy pink slippers.

"He knew we were looking for him and he probably wanted to change his appearance as much as possible," Sgt. Joe Vargas said. "The suit was OK. But he really should have taken less of a fashion risk with the shoes."

The 33-year-old man and a woman, whose identities were not released, were believed to be part of a group that held up an Orange County Federal Credit Union on Monday. Officers who zeroed in on an apartment complex spotted the man -- and his slippers.

"We talked to him, and he couldn't give us a logical reason for wearing the slippers, and he and the woman had conflicting stories about why they were there and where they were going," Vargas said. "And he was a real macho male wearing these things on his feet."

Police were further helped by a resident who reported a burglary and told police that clothes and pink slippers were missing. The couple was being held on $50,000 bond each. Three other suspects were still missing.