The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.
"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto. " Well the Captain forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wutcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night." I'm gonna lick and suck on those Big Titties of her's until I milk em' dry! Just thinkin about it makes me want to squirt right here.
Well, everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag ***splat *** and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's gotta take a shit first!!!!!!!!
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Johnny at Christmas? Oh no
Little Johnny desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas. His friends were writing letter to Santa Claus, so Johnnie decided to do them one better.
"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will not fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and wrote anew:
"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise. Then Johnnie had an idea. He threw away the paper and went downstairs to the living room.
From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers then stuffed the newspapers into a grocery bag. He took the package upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the whole works in the farthest, darkest corner. Then he closed the closet door tightly, took a new sheet of paper and wrote:
"Dear Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
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Microsoft Tech
Q.How do you get a Microsoft Tech to change a light bulk?
A. You can't, When Microsoft discover they have a blown light bulb they will just change the industry standard to darkness.
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Mom/Girl
A young girl, came up to her mom and ask " Mom how old are you?" The mother replied you are not suppose to ask women there age. Just one of these days you will understand.
So the next day the daughter asked "Mom- How much to you weight?" The mom replied, "You don't ask women that question, just gone on and one day you understand"..
In the next couple hours the girl came back and asked, "Mom how come you and Daddy got a divorce?" The mother replied you wouldn't understand, just go on and play maybe one of these days you will understand.
So the next day the girl was talking to a friend about all the questions, her friend said, "I know how you can find out all about your Mother, look at her drivers licenses". So that night the girl got her moms licenses and looked at them.
The next morning the girl said "Mom-I know how old you are, you are 38 yrs old." Then the mother said "How did you know that?" Then the daughter said, "I know that you weight 125 lbs too". The mom said."How did you know all of that?"
Then the girl replied:
"Also I know why you and daddy got a divorce because YOU made an "F" in sex."
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Definition of a Canadian
- An un-armed American, with a health care plan
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Needed: $100
A little boy needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those jerks deducted 95%.
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POSSIBLE NAMES FOR THE STAIN ON MONICA'S DRESS
Arkan Sauce
Bill's Spill
The Secretion Service
All the President's Semen
Chelsea's Little Sister
Presidential "Pardon"
Sperm Spangled Splatter
Willie's Slick
In the Line of Fire
Buddy Did It!
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Sorry Bill
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says:
"If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
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The Onion (satire)
November 18, 1998
New $5000 Multimedia Computer Systems Downloads Real-Time TV Programs, Displays Them On Monitor
HOUSTON--The highly touted "Internet Revolution" took another major step forward Monday, when Compaq unveiled the breakthrough Compaq Presario 6000, a $4,995 multimedia computer system that enables users to download files containing network-television programs and display them on a computer monitor.
"Imagine watching TV at the click of a mouse, instead of a remote control," Compaq director of product development Bill Welborne said. "With the Compaq Presario 6000 and a few reasonably priced add-ons, you'll never have to watch TV on a television again."
According to Welborne, for a $49 monthly fee, owners of the Presario 6000 will be able to access network websites, where 300MB ".vid files" will be available for download. The downloaded files can then be conveniently viewed on the Presario 6000 using a special TV-dedicated version of Netscape Communicator 4.0, priced at just $89.95.
A sound card enabling users to enjoy the sound that accompanies the downloaded TV images is also available for $349.
"Pictures, sound--this is the promise of the Multimedia Age realized," Welborne said.
Demonstrating the technology, Welborne stood proudly beside a prototype of the Presario 6000 as it displayed an eight-minute segment from a recent 3rd Rock From The Sun episode, downloaded from an NBC server in under 75 minutes.
"Please note that this is a television program," Welborne said, "but it is being displayed on a computer monitor."
More exciting still, the viewing can occur in real-time concurrent with the download, provided the user owns a dedicated T1 Internet connection.
"Yes, the image is somewhat grainy and limited to just six frames per second," Welborne said. "But the technology will only improve as 466 MHz processors with more efficient Pipeline Burst Cache and Accelerated Graphics Ports with 10 MB VRAM become standard in the consumer marketplace. And when they do, the images will be remarkably crisp and detailed, every bit as good as that of, say, a 19-inch Philips-Magnavox TV."
"This is incredible," said Wayne Messers, a Huntington Beach, CA, systems analyst who sampled the Presario 6000 last weekend at the National Computer And Electronics Expo in San Diego. "I'm watching TV, but there's a keyboard in front of the screen."
Added Messers: "There's also a disk drive to the left of the screen."
"When I buy my 6000, I'm going to have all my co-workers over to view the first-ever Spin City episode downloaded from the Internet," said Peter Rinaldi of Escondido, CA. "I feel like I'm a part of history just buying this product."
The Presario 6000 will be the first computer to feature the forthcoming 550 MHz Intel Pentium III processor, with MMX2(TM) technology. It is this revolutionary new chip that will enable the Presario 6000 to play television programs on its monitor, a capability virtually unheard-of in an electronic device.
As for the future, Compaq promises even more astounding breakthroughs.
"An even bolder technology still in the planning stages involves a plug-in computer peripheral featuring rows of metal coils which heat up when activated," Welborne said. "Once this device is perfected, computer users will actually be able to convert bread into toast. The future is now."
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, November 24, 1997
Panicky U.S. camper forces $12,000 rescue attempt
EDMONTON (CP) -- It cost nearly $12,000 to send a Hercules search and rescue plane from Ontario to the Northwest Territories after an inexperienced American camper thought he was about to be attacked by wolves.
George Moscatello, 47, will not be billed for the rescue attempt despite using an emergency locator beacon that uses a frequency that in Canada is restricted to air and marine emergencies.
"Canada's policy is that we do not do cost-recovery for search and rescue," Maj. Joan Gordon of the Search and Rescue Co-ordination Centre in Trenton, Ont., said Monday.
Moscatello of Woodside, N.Y., was camping Saturday in a remote area about 280 kilometres from Fort Simpson, N.W.T., when he panicked after hearing "some pitter-patter sounds" outside his tent.
Scared and cold after an earlier mishap with his propane heater burned part of his tent, Moscatello loaded his rifle and pushed his emergency locator.
The weather at the time was about -15 C., at least 15 degrees warmer than the average for this time of year.
Search and Rescue in Trenton received the signal and later sent the Hercules aircraft with seven crewmen aboard after it was decided the weather was too poor to use civilian search planes.
Gordon said the signal that Moscatello used is not approved for use by hunters or hikers in Canada.
"When we get that on our system we think there's a good chance that it's an airplane that has gone down."
Police in Fort Simpson asked some locals to help in the search. Moscatello was located and taken into town.
The Hercules was in the air for nearly four hours with an operating cost of $3,000 per hour before the search was called off.
"I don't believe Canada has anything in place to actually fine somebody for utilizing a device that's not certified for use," she said.
Corp. Tonia Enger of the Fort Simpson RCMP said police and others in town tried to dissuade the American from heading into the bush when his inexperience became clear.
"He was determined to do something and there was no deterring him, said Enger. "We don't have any authority to lock him up because he's being foolish."
Moscatello was drawn to the area by a book he read years ago about the Nahani Valley. He said he was also interested in investigating the legend of Bigfoot.