Executed
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."
and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
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Ghandi (Pun)
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
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God's Wife
It's a cold day in December...New York City. A little boy about 10-years-old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boys reply.
The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get a half dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel.
By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she then purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him.
She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?"
As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's wife?"
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Guard Duty
The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2am. He did his best for awhile, but about 4am he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, the looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
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Guest speaker
Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.
The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"
The Chinese fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"
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The Onion (satire)
Buchanan Woos Gay Vote: 'I Promise I Will Not Incinerate You'
Eager to gain momentum in the fight for delegates, Republican presidential hopeful Pat Buchanan reached out to gay voters Monday at a stump speech in South Carolina, pledging that he would not incinerate homosexual Americans if elected.
"In a Buchanan presidency, gays would not be incinerated," Buchanan said before a crowd of 2,000 in Spartanburg. "I will not rule out public floggings, horse-propelled skewerings, iron-bar impalings or churchyard genital chainsawing, but I will draw the line at incineration."
Incineration of gays, Buchanan stressed, should be an issue for states to decide. "If the individual states, such as Alabama and Colorado, want to burn gays, be it at the stake or in their gay homes, that is their prerogative," he said. "That is not a federal issue."
To demonstrate his gay support, Buchanan added he would stop wearing his pink "Incinerate 'Em!" lapel pin throughout the remainder of the campaign.
Reaction within the Republican Party was mixed. Buchanan's pledge makes him the third candidate to voice opposition to the systematic burning of gays, giving pro-incineration Republicans little choice. Gay Republicans have reacted positively, though.
"Many gays, like myself, will now have to give Buchanan a serious second look," said Henry Tilesdil, a prominent gay Republican strategist. "Like Buchanan, I support trade barriers, oppose abortion, and am against burning myself and my friends alive."
Buchanan was quick to allay fears among his strong pro-incineration supporters, many of whom believe that, with the announcement, Buchanan is moving too far to the center.
"The Republican Party is one if inclusion, not exclusion," Buchanan said in his speech. "That is why I will not exclude those who favor the federally funded burning of homosexuals."
To avoid losing his many anti-gay supporters, Buchanan promised that as president he would appoint at least two Cabinet members who had burned gay people.
Buchanan also assured pro-incineration supporters that his opposition to burning is largely fiscally based.
"The burning of all gays would simply not be cost- effective," Buchanan said. "Although the end goal is admirable, the project would be terribly expensive, and it would require a massively bloated government bureaucracy to manage it."
Commented Republican pollster Charles Wonthrip: "This is a shrewd move on Buchanan's part. It shows his strong pro-incineration support base that he is only motivated by a deep sense of fiscal responsibility, and it shows potential gay supporters that he will not go to any great length to kill them in this most painful way."
Sources inside the Buchanan camp, however, say their candidate is open to incinerating gays in the case of a national emergency.
With the recent courting of gays, other minority groups are hoping Buchanan will make a political concession to them as well.
"We would be happy to support Pat Buchanan," said Ricardo Guiterrez, Chairman of the Committee to Rock the Latino Vote, "if he would consider adopting our 'anti-mass drowning of Mexican-Americans' platform."
The Jewish community also awaits an overture from the Buchanan campaign. According to the American Jewish Political Action Committee, Buchanan is considering adoption of its "let's not re-live the Holocaust, unless absolutely necessary" policy.
After his New Hampshire win and strong showings in the Western states, Buchanan is eager to face Bob Dole, Steve Forbes and Lamar Alexander on Super Tuesday, armed with a new gay constituency.
Buchanan has, however, maintained a hard line against women, reinforcing his vow that in his first 100 days as president, he will make it a federal offense to teach a woman to read.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, November 21, 1997
Police asked to collect prostitution money
ONEIDA, N.Y. (AP) -- Lesson No. 1 for prostitutes: Don't take cheques. Lesson No. 2: If you ignore Lesson No. 1 and the cheque bounces, don't call police.
Three girls -- two 17-year-olds and a 16-year-old -- face prostitution charges after reporting that a man who had sex with them gave them a bad cheque for $1,500, state police investigator Heidi Abrial said.
The call to police wasn't a total loss, however. Even if the prostitutes didn't get their money, they may still get their pound of flesh.
Mark A. Humphrey, 39, a construction worker from Newark, Ohio, was arrested at his hotel Wednesday and charged with three counts of patronizing a prostitute. The offence carries up to a $1,000 fine and a year in jail.