A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife. "Er - just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor. "Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in whose profession? Yours, or hers?!"

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Airline Mistletoe

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge)

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

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A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

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An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior. So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do." The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."

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Bar Translations "No, really, I'm OK to drive."-I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with. "I'm not used to these darts."-I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed. "Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap. "You get this one, next round is on me."-We won't be here long enough to get another round. "I'll get this one, next one is on you.-Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop. "I haven't seen you around here for a long time."-You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends?? "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"-I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position. "Lets get out of here-I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female) -- I'm easy. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male) -- I'm gay. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home? "I don't feel well, lets go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me. "I don't feel well, lets go home." (male) -- I'm horny. "I've had like 10 beers already."-I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way. "Who's got the next round?"-I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention. "Excuse Me." (male to male) -- Get the fuck out of the way. "Excuse Me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now. "Excuse Me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way. "Excuse Me." (female to female) -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are. "I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."-I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season. "What do you have on tap?"-What's cheap? "Can I have a white Russian?" (male) -- I'm really gay. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female) -- I'm really easy. "You go ahead, I'll catch a cab"-I already lined up a ride home with your "ex". "That person looks really familiar."-Did I sleep with him/her? "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this. "Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking ½ hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me. "Do you have any Wild Turkey?"-I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning. "I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 19. "I don't have my ID on me." (male) -- I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .40 after my last visit here.

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The Onion

Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor

WASHINGTON, DC--On the heels of last week's decision to allow witness testimony in the presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica Lewinsky was subpoenaed Monday to re-blow President Clinton on the Senate floor.

The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the president, was described by Senate leaders as a "regrettable but unfortunately very necessary" move.

"This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or not the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained many detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own eyes, exactly what took place during these secret rendezvous between the president and Miss Lewinsky, we won't have all the facts necessary to determine if the president's statements before the grand jury constituted a crime."

In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly engaged, including but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing, under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various objects.

Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of this administration to humiliate the president," chief prosecutor Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair trial.

"How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details? Yes, we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky's vagina, but just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the way up inside there?" Hyde asked. "What were their exact facial expressions at key moments of ecstatic release? To what extent did Miss Lewinsky's ample bosom bounce to and fro as she vigorously bobbed her head up and down? Precisely how much of the president's erect penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to force deep into the back of her throat? Was there gagging involved? Were the president's balls, at any point in the proceedings, licked? If we do not explore every possible detail of these shocking improprieties, we will never know the answers to these vital questions of national security."

"If President Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the citizens of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in these proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm, reserved dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing less than the very future of our country is at stake."

More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled to begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most senators are demanding that they be included in the regular televised broadcasts of the trial, citing the imperative of the public's "right to know."

"If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure--including full frontal nudity, if necessary--before the American people," Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. "As elected officials, we have taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we represent. If we fail to provide the public with the whole truth--no matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even vicariously titillating it may be--we have failed in our duty to the people of this nation."

In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected, complete coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related "second-" and "third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on C-SPAN. Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all the prime-time network newscasts.

Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the ease of global dissemination via television and the Internet, footage of the Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely seen in history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to last well beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm over such a prospect.

"How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the president is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine Sanders, associate director of the What About The Children? Foundation and a staunch presidential-penis-penetration opponent. "For God's sake, she's only a child. An innocent child!"

"This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to," said concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a campaign to place content-warning labels on federal legislators. "Watching the president get his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible adults only."

Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised uncensored and in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics."

"This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its 210-year history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible removal of the highest elected official in the land, and that is not the sort of matter that should be trivialized."

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Nation's Rappers Down To Last Two Samples

LOS ANGELES--In an announcement that has caused grave concern within the nation's hip-hop community, the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers (ASCAP) revealed Monday that only two songs remain for rappers to sample, Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" and Styx's "Mr. Roboto."

"Such albums as Puff Daddy's No Way Out and Mase's Harlem World have taken a heavy toll on our nation's precious sample reserves, ASCAP president Richard Goffin said. "Our nation's rap artists must now face the consequences of their failure to conserve this all-too-finite resource."

With such artists as Puff Daddy, Jay-Z, Foxy Brown, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and Method Man all slated to begin work on new albums in the next six months, bidding for the sample rights to "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" and "Mr. Roboto" is expected to be fierce. Puff Daddy, a.k.a. Sean "Puffy" Combs, has already stated that he is willing to pay up to $20 million for the rights to the ukulele line in "Tiptoe" alone.

"Yo, I got to get that 'Tiptoe' track," Combs said in an interview in The Source magazine. "I ain't got an album without it."

Styx spokespersons said the band will attempt to maximize profits from "Mr. Roboto" by selling off the hit song from 1983's Kilroy Was Here piecemeal. "Our asking price for the song's 'Domo Arigato' spoken-word intro with synthesizer backing is $25 million," Styx bassist Chuck Panozzo said. "As far as the lyric, 'My blood is boiling, my heart is human, my brain IBM,' goes, I can't imagine we would be asking any less than $55 million for that."

While Monday's ASCAP announcement stunned rappers across the U.S., signs of the impending crisis were present years ago. In 1989, James Brown became the first sample source to be exhausted, when the Jungle Brothers used a snippet of Brown sneezing during an outtake for "The Big Payback" on its album Done By The Forces Of Nature. By 1992, the music of numerous other high-profile artists was exhausted, including George Clinton, Rick James, Kool & The Gang, Prince and Queen. By 1995, nearly 80 percent of ASCAP-registered artists were tapped out as sample sources, including Roxette, Peaches & Herb, Bruce Hornsby, White Lion and Jon Secada.

Last Friday, the number of unsampled songs fell to two when rapper Master P paid $12 million for the rights to "Is It Love," the B-side to the 1986 Mr. Mister hit "Broken Wings."

"This is an extremely serious situation," said Def Jam president Russell Simmons, whose label--which has featured such artists as Public Enemy, Beastie Boys, EPMD, and LL Cool J--was responsible for much of the sample depletion of the mid- to late '80s. "Rappers may have to wait upwards of 10 years between albums, until there's enough new pop songs to sample. Other than that, the only solution is for rappers to come up with the music themselves. Let's just hope it never comes to that."

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Hey Martha (true)

Saturday, October 11, 1997

Man shocks family, turns up at his own funeral

CAIRO (AP) -- Ahmed Ibrahim Awadh was supposed to be dead. A rotting corpse that washed up on the Mediterranean coast was identified as his.

Relatives wiped away tears as scores of people sat in a funeral tent in the north Egyptian port of Alexandria, mourning the death of Awadh, in his 30s.

Then the "dead man" walked into the tent, looking fit as a fiddle, the newspaper Al-Gomhuriya reported Sunday.

Awadh explained to his stunned family and friends that a thief had stolen his wallet and identity card. The items had been found in the pocket of the corpse on the beach.

The newspaper said once the mourners recovered from their shock, the funeral turned into a party.

Police were not celebrating though, the report said. They now have to exhume the body and try to find its real identity.