Personals Translation List

EUPHEMISM TRANSLATION
40ish 52 and looking for 25-year old
Affectionate Needy, and looking for mother figure
Aging child Self-centered adult
Ambitious Ruthlessly exploits people
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Beautiful Pathological liar
Disease free Up to date on mumps vaccinations
Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed P/T Job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoy life's pleasures Overindulged, spoiled brat
Enjoy long walks Car is in the repair shop
Enjoy moonlit nights Can't pay the electric bill
Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
Financially secure Has $5 in the bank
Flexible Desperate
Free Spirit Substance abuser
Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Gentle Comatose
Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count
Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Marriage minded A bigamist
Moody Manic-depressive
Nontraditional Ex-wife lives in the basement
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Openminded Desperate
Outgoing Loud
Passionate Loud
Perfect Blind to own flaws, unforgiving of others'
Physically fit Spends a lot of time in front of mirrors
Poet Boring manic-depressive
Professional Owns a white button-down
Reliable Shows up on time, give or take 3 hours
Self-employed Jobless
Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
Spontaneous Picks his nose at traffic lights
Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Sultry/Sensual Easy
Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
Very human Quasimodo's best friend
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Writer Once scribbled on a bathroom stall
Youthful Over 40, and trying to deny it

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A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.
"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."

____________________

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough, she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway ?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"

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Money
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

_________________

You might be an engineer if..
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
The Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You're both in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've have tried to repair a $5 radio.

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The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

Raped Environment Led Polluters On, Defense Attorneys Argue

OLYMPIA, WA--In their opening statement before jurors Monday, defense attorneys representing Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp. argued that their client was not at fault for the July 1997 rape of 30,000 acres of virgin forest, claiming that the forest led the development company on with "an eager and blatant display of its rich, fertile bounty."

"While, obviously, it is extremely unfortunate that this forest was raped, it should have known better than to show off its lush greenery and tall, strong trees in the presence of my client if it didn't want anything to happen," said lead defense attorney Dennis Schickle, speaking before a courtroom packed with members of the media. "It's only natural for any red-blooded American developer to get ideas in its head when it's presented with that kind of untouched beauty."

"The bottom line is," Schickle continued, "if you're going to tease and encourage like that, openly flaunting your abundant natural resources, don't be surprised by the consequences."

Public opinion regarding the high-profile case, which is being closely watched by timber-industry lobbyists and victims' rights groups across the U.S., is deeply divided. While some contend that the forced ravaging of a piece of land until it is stripped bare is never justifiable under any circumstances, others say that such an action is understandable if the wooded area gives off mixed signals.

"The Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp. had every reason to believe that that forest wanted it bad," said logger Victor Duffy of Chelan, WA. "Just look at where it was at the time of the incident: It was in a secluded, far-off place, nearly 25 miles from the nearest road. What were those trees doing in that kind of remote spot if they weren't looking for trouble?"

Those siding with the timber company also cite the forest's history, claiming that it has a reputation for being easily exploited.

"Believe me, this is no virgin forest," said Frank Abbate, owner of the Bellingham-based G&H Consolidated Timber. "It may try to pass itself off as pristine and untouched, but I know for a fact that it has a long history of allowing itself to be used by developers."

In his opening statement, defense attorney Schickle also pointed out that when Pacific North loggers arrived at the forest on the day in question, its floor was covered in alluring, fragrant flowers that were "clearly meant to attract."

"When a forest drapes itself in flora of every color and scent imaginable, it's obviously asking for it," Schickle said. "I'm sure the plaintiff will argue that these radiant flowers were meant to lure pollen-hungry bees, not pulp-hungry loggers. But how was my client supposed to know this? When was it made clear that this colorful display was meant to attract one particular species of fauna but no other? When was it made clear that this forest was looking to satisfy the needs of bees and bees only?"

Russell Belanger, president of the National Timber And Logging Association, agreed. "This forest made it seem like it wanted it, then cried environmental rape when it got it," he said. "At some point, we've got to start asking ourselves who the real victim is in these cases: our nation's promiscuous, manipulative forests, or the good, decent developers out there who are just trying to make an honest living razing the land."

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Hey Martha

Wednesday, November 26, 1997

Nude ice skaters protest against fur

NEW YORK (AP) -- Ah, the holiday season in New York. The Christmas shows. The tree lightings. And don't forget the nude ice skaters.

Two animal rights activists shed their clothes at Rockefeller Center's ice skating rink Tuesday as part of a holiday protest against fur coats by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Nora Burns and Lisa Permut -- nude from the waist up except for leopard-marking body paint, fake tails and ears -- skated before a lunchtime crowd of gawking tourists before being escorted off the outdoor rink. The two PETA members held a banner in front of them that read "Only Animals Should Wear Fur."

Prosecutors decided the protesters had not shown enough skin to violate public nudity laws. But the weather might have been punishment enough. It was 38 degrees.

"A few minutes of freezing cold does not compare to the 3 million animals who will be in cages in snow, sleet and rain," said Toni Vernelli, campaign coordinator for PETA.