Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

___________________

There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

___________________

Q What do you call a sheep that does housework?
A. A threat to women everywhere.

___________________

Jones, returning from a business trip, was surprised to find his wife in bed with a strange man. Both were nude and looked like they had been doing a lot of hard Fucking.
"Why, you rotten bastard!" the husband exploded.
"Wait darling," said Mrs. Jones. "You know that fur coat I got last winter? This man gave it to me. Remember the diamond necklace you like so much? This man gave it to me. And remember when you couldn't afford a second car and I got a Toyota? This man gave it to me."
"For heaven's sake, it's drafty here!" shouted the husband, "cover him so he doesn't catch cold!"

___________________

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active...

1.Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

__________________

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his Cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

_________________

The Onion (satire)

November 18, 1998

New Study Shows Progress Made By Broads

A University of California-Berkeley study released Tuesday revealed that broads have made significant progress in the workplace over the past decade.

A comprehensive, long-term examination of the career paths of over 4,500 broads from across the U.S., the study indicates that broads are earning 15 percent more on average and are twice as likely to be in positions of upper management than just 10 years ago.

"This is a tremendously exciting, very promising report," said Stan Cullums, director of UC-Berkeley's famed Institute For Gender Research, which conducted the study. "After several decades of status quo and periodic retrenchment, it would appear that broads are finally beginning to make strides toward equality in the workplace."

The Institute's survey revealed that the average earned income for broads relative to men rose from 64 cents on the dollar to 77 cents. Average salaries for professional broads also rose, from $21,500 to almost $24,000.

According to Institute spokespeople, those numbers are the result of a steadily increasing number of broads in the upper ranks of American corporations.

"In 1985, among Fortune 500 companies, there were only a handful of broads occupying top positions," said Harvey Bollings, the Institute's Director of Research. "In the past few years, however, we have really begun to see some major changes."

Despite the Institute's enthusiasm, many experts warn the numbers are deceiving.

"Yes, there are more broads than ever working in the upper ranks of corporate America," said R. Nelson Sommers, head of Washington, D.C.'s prestigious Hastings Foundation, an independent think-tank. "But in terms of real power, there is quite another story. Today, only two of America's top 500 corporations are headed by broads."

In addition to collecting raw economic data, the Berkeley study also questioned broads about their feelings toward their position in the American workplace. Overall, broads were optimistic about their prospects for the future, confident that opportunities for them would continue to increase. Three of every five broads surveyed responded "yes" to the question, "Careerwise, do you broads feel you have a better chance of achieving your goals than you would have 10 years ago?"

Survey respondents were also generally optimistic about their ability to balance career and family, with 57 percent of those polled responding "no" to the question, "Will you broads have to sacrifice your careers in order to have a family and children?"

Nevertheless, the vast majority of broads, approximately nine out of 10, still believe that men have an overwhelming advantage when competing for jobs.

"We have so much more to prove in a job situation than men do," said Jocelyn Kane, some broad from Maryland who participated in the survey. "Men instantly give each other respect. There's still a big 'old boys club' mentality looming in the business world."

Cullums agreed: "A lot of the broads I know find the job market very unfriendly toward their kind."

The Institute For Gender Research plans to follow up its study over the course of the next 10 years, periodically tracking changes in both income and attitudes for all broads who participated.

"This is the most comprehensive survey of its kind, both in terms of numbers and longevity," Cullums said. "We already have a remarkably clear and detailed picture of the broad's work experience here in the United States. Our future research will only add to that."

________________

Hey Martha

Friday, November 21, 1997

Police asked to collect prostitution money

ONEIDA, N.Y. (AP) -- Lesson No. 1 for prostitutes: Don't take cheques.

Lesson No. 2: If you ignore Lesson No. 1 and the cheque bounces, don't call police.

Three girls -- two 17-year-olds and a 16-year-old -- face prostitution charges after reporting that a man who had sex with them gave them a bad cheque for $1,500, state police investigator Heidi Abrial said.

The call to police wasn't a total loss, however. Even if the prostitutes didn't get their money, they may still get their pound of flesh.

Mark A. Humphrey, 39, a construction worker from Newark, Ohio, was arrested at his hotel Wednesday and charged with three counts of patronizing a prostitute. The offence carries up to a $1,000 fine and a year in jail.