"You know why I drink so much?" asks John. "Because my wife is so ugly."
"Oh, yeah?" counters Richard. "You think your wife's ugly? You should see my wife. She's a pig."
They continue to drink and argue about whose wife is uglier. They soon realize that the only way they're going to settle the debate is to meet the other's wife. And so, the two men start off for John's house. When they arrive, John knocks on the door and his wife answers. Richard whispers, "Sheesh, John, you got a point there. She's a show stopper. That face could send a freight train down a dirt road. But, listen, you still gotta see my wife."
When they arrive at Richard's house, they walk into the living room. Richard pushes the couch, chairs and table aside and then rolls up the rug. In the middle of the floor, there is a large trap door. He lifts open the trap door and yells down, "Hey, Bertha, come on up here!"
"Okay, honey. But, should I put the bag over my head?"
"No, I don't want to screw you dear. I just want to show you off."

__________________

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable motherfucker!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

__________________

Charlton Heston, the 75-year-old president of the NRA has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. "Considering where his head's been lately, it must have been a self-diagnosis." (Bill Williams)

__________________

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

__________________

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

_________________

Mrs. McGillicuddy volunteered her free time to the local hospital nursery, assisting the nurses with the newborns.
One day, as she was walking through the nursery, she noticed a small, pre-mature baby in the incubator. "What's the matter with this wee, little tyke," she asked.
"Oh, he's the result of an artificial insemination. He'll make it, all right, but he just needs a bit of help."
"Artificial insemination? That just confirms a pet theory of mine:
Spare the rod and spoil the child!"

_________________

The Onion (satire)

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,"Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

_________________

Hey Martha (true)

Friday, December 12, 1997

Kennel costs more than a house

HACKENSACK, N.J. (AP) -- How do you know you've spent too much on a dog?

When the dog house costs more than your own.

A kennel for 20 drug-sniffing dogs being built next to a new jail has already cost Bergen County $236,000 -- $32,400 more than the average county resident pays for a house.

And the price is going up. Sheriff Jack Terhune is asking county freeholders to approve $38,000 more to connect sewers, water and electricity to the dog's facility.

The kennel will have heated rooms, individual sleeping quarters, a grooming area, an office, a food preparation room and a locker room for trainers.

Each dog will have a private, 4-by-4-foot stall connected to individual dog runs.

The freeholders delayed a vote on the payment last week until they could learn more.

Freeholder Anthony Cassano, who has toured the proposed kennel site, defended the project, which has been slashed from an initial $500,000 price.

"This is not the Taj Mahal," Cassano said Wednesday. "This is not a dog house you can put cars or Cadillacs in."

________________

Hey Martha - again

Tuesday, February 03, 1998

Elephant says six more weeks of winter

NEW YORK (AP) -- Move over, Punxsutawney Phil. You've got some elephantine competition.

King Tusk, a 14,762-pound Asian elephant, was trotted out of his tractor-trailer sized home Monday for a good-natured jab at Groundhog Day and a not-so-subtle promotion for "The Greatest Show on Earth."

The elephant, an attraction at the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus, was welcomed by Mayor Rudolph Giuliani at City Hall Park.

Giuliani read a proclamation on behalf of the pachyderm: "The largest land mammal travelin the face of the earth, here in the Big Apple of the United States of America, stands firm and resolute in the face of El Nino ... and declares 'I do see a shadow, six more weeks of winter, folks."'

The famous groundhog from Punxsutawney, Pa., made the same prediction Monday, but King Tusk's was a no-brainer. After all, he did cast quite a large shadow.