SUE: Can my husband be in the delivery room with me when I deliver the baby?
DOC: Sure! I'm a strong believer that the father should be with the mother during childbirth.
SUE: Oh no, that would never do! They can't stand each other!

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MORE RUMINATIONS

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk.-Lee Entrekin

When ever someone tells me I'm barking up the wrong tree, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I get this irresistible urge to bite their pants leg.-Dave Henry

Once, while working in my office, I thought I saw Dorothy's house go by out of the corner of my eye. Then I realized it was just that cow from the movie "Twister." --Kenny Smith

If I were a fraction, my goal would be world denomination.-Chris Lipe

"Ask not what your country can do for you-ask what you can do for your country." Nah, I think I rather ask what my country can do for me. Maybe France, too.-Jennifer Ritzinger

I hope the Q-Tips in that 500 count box I bought last night are Year 2000 compliant, 'cause it'll take me at least three years to get through them all.-Mark Mundy

When the boss tells you that he thinks you would be best suited for another job, I think a great comeback would be, "Ha! Fooled you. I don't even own a suit." --Dave Henry

All that glitters isn't gold, but if it's attached to a bicuspid and embedded in concrete in front of your seat at the stadium, it most probably is.-Peter T.T. Perez

I like that movie where the cars and trucks come alive and drive around by themselves trying to kill people. It reminds me of the time when I went picking corn. You know, because I had the TV with me.-Brian Auten

One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey.-Jim Rosenberg

My momma told me she had eyes in the back of her head. Good thing she didn't also have a mouth there because it would be really hard to floss those back molars.-Paul Paternoster

Why is it that when snooty department stores put their Christmas decorations out just after the 4th of July it's "elegant foresight", but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors just think I'm tacky? --Alisa Meadows

Power of Attorney doesn't really make you as powerful as an attorney. There's still a lot of stuff you can't do.-LaDonna Brown

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said, "Parking Fine." --Tommy Cooper

They say kids will always find Christmas presents and guns. I bet if a kid is getting a gun for Christmas, they'll find it for sure, and really fast, too.-Timothy Fenton

If I was a baseball player, and I got hit in the head with a fastball and was dying, I wouldn't want medical attention. I'd want my lifeless, limp body flung to first base, 'cause, dammit, I earned it! --James Nicoll

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he's always asking to borrow your bass boat.-Bill Hewins

If I could keep time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is to get a costume and a cool supervillain name and demand 100 million dollars or I'm putting the cap on the bottle.-Richard Marek

Neanderthals didn't have cars, but if they did, I bet they would have had the option of dinosaur leather seats. And they probably could've gotten around much faster, too.-Tristan Fabriani

Sometimes I feel like a naked crazy man in an empty desert, laughing at the blazing hot sun. Sometimes I don't.-Tom Wigington

Maybe some things do improve with age, but no matter how long I wait, my Commodore 64 just won't run Windows 95.-Keith Sullivan

To me, sex is a way of communicating. A way of communicating: "Damn, that feels good!" --Jim Rosenberg

My friend lost 5 inches on the Slim Fast plan. Now he has no penis at all. · Rob Munda

When all is said and done, it'll be pretty boring.-Larry Baum

If I owned a ceiling fan company, I would have a model called the "Dion" because then you could own the ceiling Dion fan. You got to jump on these things when the market is hot.-Richard Marek

If all the world's a stage and we are merely players, then why don't we all have Screen Actors Guild cards? --Janne Burke

A wise man once told me, "Violence is not the answer." But if the question is, how do I get wise men to mind their own freaking business, then I think violence IS the answer.-Matt Diamond

I think that if my last name were Back and I had a little girl, it would be my responsibility to name her Helen.-Tim Groen

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but people who live in stone houses can pretty much throw whatever they want.-E.G. Merten

A word of advice: If you're going to play the shell game, be sure you don't use turtles.-Paul Paternoster

Discretion may be the better part of valor, but it sure dampens a kegger. · Keith Sullivan

Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, "You've got something hanging out of your nose." Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy.-Michael Hayward

You CAN teach an old dog new tricks, But even the brightest pupils at Obedience School rarely get fellowships.-Jim Lockwood

I sometimes think if only I'd been in the right place at the right time, I could have been a Spice Girl. But I guess that place would have to have been a sex change clinic.-Buck Joyce

I think one reason that Ally McBeal is so popular is that she is a hot-looking babesicle who wears shorts skirts that show her gams all the way up to heaven. But that's just one man's disinterested opinion.-Jim Rosenberg

Sometimes I wonder why I just can't be happy, and then I realize it's because Joe's bogarting the bong.-R.M. Weiner

I think my paranoid schizophrenia has improved my ability to be a good ruler of my fellow Aztec citizens.-Jennifer Piatak

If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, you could bring me another damn 2x4. And hey-get me a beer, willya?! --Guy Hoyle

I remember the days of youth-running through fields of clover, barefoot and carefree; playing in the rain, naked and innocent; riding with my head out the window of my parents' car, the wind blowing through my hair... no, wait... that was my dog, Cookie. I was the one who had to stay after school and finish my math homework. Yeah, I remember now...-Lee Entrekin

Apparently, some HR managers don't appreciate having interview questions answered through interpretive dance.-Michael Hayward

I would not want to live in a cartoon world... Too many people have too much access to too much dynamite.-Erik Shmukler

I used to wonder what was beyond the edge of the universe. Then one day, during a planetarium show, I found out. I opened the door marked "Authorized Personnel Only" and saw it: a primordial quark-gluon plasma, sprinkled with countless unmatched socks.-Larry Baum

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!!" --Jennifer A. Ford

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The F Word

A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.

The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word." The priest sighed and told him to continue. "Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
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The Onion (satire)

Amish Give Up - 'This Is Bullshit,' elders say

LANCASTER, PA--After centuries of enduring harsh, spare living conditions and voluntarily shunning modern amenities such as microwave ovens and red clothing, Amish leaders announced Monday that Amish across the U.S. will abandon their traditional ways and adapt to modern American life.

"Fuck that," said Amish Father Ezekiel Schmid at a Lancaster press conference. "This is pure bullshit."

Schmid recounted the hard Amish life, in which many long hours are spent toiling under the hot sun in heavy black clothing without any refrigerated drinks or gas-powered farm machines. He spoke of the arduous task of raising barns by hand from dawn until dusk, and of laboriously churning his own butter without electrical power.

"I can't believe we were such suckers," Schmid said. "I feel like a fool."

Schmid added that he will shave off his "ridiculous" Pennsylvania Dutch-style beard with no mustache, a look he says went out of fashion in "about 1820."

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me how stupid I looked?" he said.

According to Schmid, the Amish look forward to a wide variety of "alternative lifestyle" opportunities that now await them.

"I am indeed looking forward to wearing clothing that is a color other than black," said Josephat Kreugger, a prominent Kruegger, an Amish counsel member. "I will try on some dark gray suits, perhaps even medium gray. I am also considering buying a charcoal-colored hat."

Kreugger also expressed a desire to travel "twice the speed of horse."

Many social changes await the Amish, as well.

"When I punish my son for not saying his prayers," Mary Wittgenstein said, "I normally use a wooden switch taken from a tree. But now, think of the modern child-beating weapons that will be available to me in the outside world. Perhaps there are whips made especially for use on disobedient children, or muskets."

Many Amish are looking forward to getting jobs in the real world. Amish farmer Abraham Verveert said he has greatly entertained other Amish people at church meetings with his rousing scripture readings, and hopes to capitalize on that talent by taking his Bible-reading on the road.

"I have readings scheduled at nightclubs and ballrooms across the country, and judging by the gleeful reaction of my Amish brethren, I believe I will find great success entertaining outsiders with my lively readings," Verveert said. "This week, I will be reading a particularly delightful passage from Corinthians at the Sunrise Motor Inn in Kew Gardens, NY. You will surely want to be present."

One Amish couple, Jacob and Sarah Neamer, plan to move to an apartment in a major city and adopt a modern lifestyle, but will continue to make a living the only way they know how.

"We will charge admission for people to enter our home and observe our lifestyle," Sarah said. "For $12.50, or $10 with coupon, you can watch us as we cook meals and watch the television."

One Amish entrepreneur, Lucas Hagen, is looking forward to taking full advantage of modern technology.

"I was often ostracized in the Amish community for my blasphemous ideas about loosening Amish traditions," he said. "Now that I am free to explore life on the outside, I plan to buy a cable TV station and create an Amish Porn Channel."

If successful, Hagen's Amish Porn Channel will feature programs in which women take off their bonnets and expose their hair.

Amish Father Schmid is looking forward to being a policeman. "I want to rid the world of illegal butter churning," he said somberly. "It is costing the government millions every year."

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, November 20, 1997

Principal suspends 1,200 students

BALTIMORE (AP) -- Where, oh where have all the kids gone?

The principal of Northern High School suspended 1,200 of her 1,800 students Wednesday in a test of wills that stemed from their refusal to pick up report cards.

"'She can't suspend all of us.' That's the kind of attitude that was there, so I suspended them," said principal Alice Morgan-Brown.

Morgan-Brown said she simply is demanding students follow the rules and show more respect for administrators.

Some parents complained the principal overreacted.

"I'm tired of this at this school. She runs this school like a dictatorship, I'm sorry," said parent Larry Neal.

The students were told to report to homeroom to pick up their report cards. Those who didn't were suspended. Brown said the students will be allowed to return to school after parent-teacher meetings.

Parent Charlene Little said she was surprised at the action.

"Twelve hundred kids were suspended at 3 o'clock. They're going to see 1,200 parents. That's crazy," Little said.