Children's Letters to God

Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. HAHA -Danny
Dear God, If you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael
Dear God, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I don't like her. - Denise
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything else before, You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear God, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest? -Tom L.
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some thing about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. -Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm really going to fix my brother. -Darla
Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear God, , I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Dear God, Are you invisible or it that just a trick? -Lucy
Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison
Dear God, In school they told us what YOU do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

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Father O'Malley was having dinner with his good friend Rabbi Stern. Naturally the conversation turned to the differences in their beliefs. Teasing, the good Father asked the Rabbi, "When are you going to break down & taste some pork ?"

The Rabbi replied, "At your wedding Father, at your wedding."

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Money and Candy

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

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A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all
around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major
cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San
Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say
'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife'
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said the old Jew, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give...

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Please Log On
I do system support in a law firm. The other day I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then she just gave me her password (Rule No. 1 broken). Her password is "genius".
After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it.
She said, >"G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
There's one in every crowd.

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Three Guys and The Sheik

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

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November 18, 1998

Chrysler Halts Production Of Neckbelts

DETROIT--Violent decapitations and permanent paralysis due to severing of the spinal cord are among the reasons cited by the Chrysler Corporation for its decision to recall all '97 automobiles containing the "neckbelts" safety feature.

"In the case of collision, it would appear that the neckbelts have a detrimental effect on overall passenger safety," read a statement released by the company Monday.

The recall, the most expensive in Chrysler's history, goes into effect early next week. In the meantime, the company is advising all motorists who use the neck belts to maintain a defensive driving stance at all times, as accidents may result in "crushed trachea, severe spinal and/or brain damage, and, in the most severe cases, sudden defenestration of the head area, as the entire region above the neck separates from the upper body, flying at tremendous speed through the breakaway glass of the windshield, rolling several yards into the street directly in front of the car," the Chrysler press release stated.

The neckbelts were developed with passenger safety in mind, say Chrysler spokespersons. "Our research showed that one of the biggest risks to motorists is the danger of passengers sustaining head injuries by striking the dashboard or the seat in front of them as their bodies are flung forward during a crash," Chrysler safety designer Robert McArdle said. "Our thinking was that by immobilizing the head and neck, this type of injury would decrease significantly."

The belts, McArdle said, were also intended to reduce the neck stress associated with whiplash. "Unfortunately, it appears that we were erroneous in this analysis as well," he added. "Even minor fender-benders seem to cause motorists wearing neckbelts to have their entire heads forcibly ripped from their torsos, landing in the front seat to the shocked screams of terrified onlookers."

Another negative side effect of the neckbelts is the psychological damage that may be suffered by eyewitnesses upon observing a convulsing, headless human body spontaneously jettison fountains of blood as the adrenaline-maximized heart furiously pumps quart after quart from the neck wound, coating the car interior, the Chrysler statement continued.

Neckbelt wearers are warned that a severed human head may remain alive for up to two minutes before blood loss, oxygen starvation and shock trauma cause it to lose consciousness.

"Brain death is something science still knows very little about," said Chrysler safety engineer Tom Savini, "but drivers should take note that law enforcement personnel have reported observing bouncing, rolling severed heads blinking their eyes and gasping for air as if attempting to speak minutes after separation from the torso on more than one occasion."

Savini said that such still-alive severed human heads "probably live out their last moments in a state of unimaginable agony," and urged caution on the part of drivers who wear the neckbelt device.

In addition to decapitation and paralysis, some consumer advocates have complained that the neckbelt safety devices inhibit side-to-side motion of the head, causing drivers to swerve wildly back and forth in order to maintain a clear view of the street. Other negative side effects cited include difficulty in breathing, eating and talking.

In the wake of industry-wide concern about the safety of the neckbelts, Chrysler is also reexamining the so-called "shrapnelizing" explosive dashboard which became a standard safety option on all new models in 1995.

"By splintering into literally thousands of rapidly spinning jagged fragments, which ricochet around the car's interior at tremendous speeds, tearing any living tissue inside to shreds in seconds, these dashboards may represent a significant safety risk to motorists," read a report submitted to CEO Robert Eaton by a Chrysler safety engineering team.

Many observers are comparing the Chrysler recall to the controversy surrounding the 1976 Ford Pinto, the economy-model compact which, when rear-ended, ignited its fuel tanks and became doused in flaming gasoline, causing passengers to ineffectually pound on the windows and scream as they were burned alive at superheated temperatures within, before exploding as a bomb does.

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Hey Martha

Wednesday, February 25, 1998

Randy skunks close schools

SPOKANE, Mo. (AP) -- Spring is in the air and a young skunk's fancy turns to thoughts of love. Unfortunately, that means something else is in the air, strong enough to shut down an entire school district.

About 760 students from three schools in this small town between Springfield and Branson went home Monday when a handful of skunks enjoying mating season unleased the scent of love underneath a middle school.

"It was an odor that burned your mouth, it was that strong," said Dorothy Prewitt, secretary at Spokane Middle School. "We had to think of the safety of the children. We didn't want to make them sick."

Officials opened the windows and doors, turned on the fans and called in a skunk trapper. The smell was gone by Tuesday.

The animals likely had been under the middle school for some time, said Larry Thorne of Critter Control. Territorial behavior probably caused them to put out the odor, which was exacerbated by unusually warm weather, he said.

Mating season for skunks is late February. Mrs. Prewitt said this isn't the first time several have chosen to rendezvous at Spokane's schools.

"We get this about this time every year," she said. "I think it's a mating thing."